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I'm struggling these days, with a TON of emotional stuff. Seems the more I let go of my perceived control of my emotions, the more chaotic my emotions become. Ha! Imagine that!
I've been thinking a lot about compassion. How it feels to want it and not have it, and how it feels to have it and not give it.
Compassion is a funny thing. It doesn't require that you agree with what a person does or that you condone their freedom to chose a path different than yours. It doesn't ask you to judge - to determine if the person deserves their suffering. No, it only requires that you be aware of the suffering of another and have a desire to see them relieved of that suffering.
Yet we seem to dole out compassion in little, measured bits - hording it - afraid we might accidentally give some of it to someone undeserving. I've done it - looked at a situation and walked away with all of my compassion chips held tightly in my fist - knowing that those people didn't deserve my compassion generosity.
It's not like I can bank compassion - save it all up and earn interest on it - use it for a better retirement. I won't run out of compassion - it's a renewable resource! So what is it that keeps me from offering compassion?
What is it that keeps you from offering compassion?
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n. Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.
I'm struggling these days, with a TON of emotional stuff. Seems the more I let go of my perceived control of my emotions, the more chaotic my emotions become. Ha! Imagine that!I've been thinking a lot about compassion. How it feels to want it and not have it, and how it feels to have it and not give it.
Compassion is a funny thing. It doesn't require that you agree with what a person does or that you condone their freedom to chose a path different than yours. It doesn't ask you to judge - to determine if the person deserves their suffering. No, it only requires that you be aware of the suffering of another and have a desire to see them relieved of that suffering.
Yet we seem to dole out compassion in little, measured bits - hording it - afraid we might accidentally give some of it to someone undeserving. I've done it - looked at a situation and walked away with all of my compassion chips held tightly in my fist - knowing that those people didn't deserve my compassion generosity.
It's not like I can bank compassion - save it all up and earn interest on it - use it for a better retirement. I won't run out of compassion - it's a renewable resource! So what is it that keeps me from offering compassion?
What is it that keeps you from offering compassion?
~*~*~*~*~
22 comments:
Oh Dana, here is the conundrum. My husband says I'm TOO compassionate and people use me, but I say I'm not compassionate enough. I love helping people. And I swear to you that I actually FEEL pain from other people. Thank God I'm not an empath!
But seriously, I feel for all people. Something as stupid as the Titans having a horrible season and people making fun of them pissing me off because hey, they are still OUR team, and I don't like them just when the win, and I feel bad that they are being made fun of; to something as complicated as, if someone did something horrible to me, rape me, beat me up, whatever, and I had the chance to hurt them legally, I couldn't do it. I am not capable of hurting someone.
I feel bad for children who look unloved, I feel bad for old people, and I go out of my way to just say one thing that might make their day better. And if I could do more, I would. If I were Bill Gates, I would go broke before I died just helping children and animals alone!
Unfortunately, my husband doesn't have the gene of compassion. He thinks people deserve what they get, in some shape or form, and if they don't help themselves, why should anyone else help them.
As for your Sunday secret. Just do it. Don't think about it. Hold your head high and walk in there KNOWING it will help. Of course it's hard. If it were easy, more people would get help. But it's awesome there is even something like that in your area. It might have saved me in my first marriage if there were something like that for me.
*HUGS* I think that sums it up. I know you aren't asking for it but I'm giving it to you any way... Which illustrates a reason I may keep my compassion in check, the fear of it being questioned in some way. When I know I will only show it honestly.
I have tons of compassion for those that are indeed victims of misfortune. However, there are times when too many of us are victims of misfortune too many times.
During these times, compassion undergoes a metamorphosis into enabling. And these people constantly come back for the compassion they desire...sort of like a drug.
I feel that my wife is really too compassionate towards her ex husband. I feel that she enables him too many times. We need to feel sorry for his plight. How is it that he is the only ex-husband that has these issues...over and over again.
Giving compassion is a good thing...as long as you know that you are not supporting destructive behavior.
It seems we are thinking the same thing today.
There are numerous things, I think, that keep us holding on to compassion. For me, at this point, it's because the remaining amount I have I am too afraid to lose for fear that then I will just have no sensitivity to anyone I care for, instead of just the thinly veiled emotions for people I take care of.
Good post, Dana :)
Great post, Dana. I'm like Bina...I'd be broke in a heartbeat if I had any money.
And no, I don't care what the bum does with it. That's his responsibility.
Such a complicated issue...when do you stop? When does it get into enabling?
Compassion is like a friend who comes to visit everyday, the friend wants to go but you insist they stay. Too much compassion is just as detrimental as too little. Find the balance is just as tricky too so you tip the scales one way or the other trying to satisfy the needs for compassion. Such is the heart, an open heart feels much pain and a closed heart gives much pain. Where do we draw the line? When we are at peace with ourselves. Nothing else matters. So I say be at peace with yourself and compassion will find it's way.
This is easy for me to answer. While there may not be a "compassion bank", most of us do not have an infinite supply of emotion for other people. My rule is that I don't offer compassion for people who are not willing to help themselves. My compassion would be wasted and a source of frustration to me if the reciever didn't want it. For me compassion is more than saying "Oh, I feel so bad for you." - It is "I feel bad for you, but how can we fix this problem?" I am sure it isn't a Christian outlook, but would give time, money, emotion and anything I had to help anyone who was willing help himself. However, I won't waste my efforts or emotion on someone who can't be bothered to put forth the effort for himself.
Bina, it's funny. Although no one would likely expect to hear this from me, I feel the pain of others - deeply - as well. However my defense to feeling that pain is to shrug it off - to be judgmental. I want to do less of that.
And no fair commenting on my Sunday Secret (typo and all) on Monday!
Lu', I think fear keeps me from showing compassion at times too!
Joker_SATX, I am just not comfortable being the one who decides whether it is just misfortune, or something else. What if I'm wrong? What if I withhold compassion when - this time - it might have made the difference?
Kim, it's because we are twins, born two weeks and 20-plus years apart *grin*
I guess, when I look at it honestly, I just don't see compassion as something that can be used up.
Real Live Lesbian, I think I need to have more of that attitude - that compassion is something to be given without expectations - because if it has expectations, it's no longer compassion, but something else.
Shiny Rod, too much compassion? I'm having a difficult time wrapping my mind around that because what I see - daily - is far too little compassion.
Karen, and maybe this is a semantics issue on my part. I don't want to feel used, or taken advantage of financially or emotionally. I would hope that I am capable of offering a shoulder to lean on - a kind word in times of trouble - without expecting some action from the other person as "payment".
I just am starting to think I'm not willing to determine if someone is willing to help themselves. For me, it's more important that I have done what I can.
I think compassion is like a lot of things. We all talk big about having lots of compassion, but for many people, it's judge others first and then have some compassion for them which usually comes in the form of "Oh, sucks for them."
How's that for being a Cynical Bastard? ;-)
I think sometimes its an identification with what ever issue in the other which points reflects my own. It's about percieved vulnerability and self prophesy fulfillment of the ultimate fear of being let down, being disregarded.
Or maybe I'm just being a selfish bitch at the time.
I think I hold back very little in this area. I'm a very compassionate person.
I think having lived with someone for 17years that was *not* very compassionate made me go above and beyond to compensate (???).
Compassion is a product of the GOOD in the world.
Without it....we all lose!
I *think* I can find some compassion for anyone, even Dick Cheney or Sarah Palin.
I was thinking about this some more and wanted to have another go. I think compassion is an easy sensibility for me. I Think whne I fail to be though it's because I feel weakened by it in some way. If I see insecurity manifested in snobbery or some other behavior that is hard to swallow it makes it hard to remember that that is when compassion can have the most impact even if it is the least apparent at that moment.
It's easier to have compassion when there is some kind of payoff in terms of behavior change or reciprocation. My lessons seem to come better when compassion is an act of the will, not that the lesson isn't usually a harder one and or one that requires a stronger sense of self.
What a great topic! I am compassionate (I think), but I also adhere to the credo "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime." Those who are willing to learn and do better for themselves get more compassion from me than those who just take the easy handout every time.
There's my problem -- Real Live Lesbian made the point -- when does compassion become "enabling"?
I have a tendency to want to give people the benefit of the doubt as often as I can, but I'm more compassionate to the human condition of others outside of my immediate circle than I am to be compassionate to those I love. Another problem, I suppose.
I just know, from personal experience, that a person can be in one position in their lives and at the drop of a hat be somewhere completely different...so I try not to judge (even though I know I do).
Jay, I would agree, it seems many of us give compassion based on our perception of "need". It's much easier to show compassion for someone who has lost their job and their home than it is for the guy standing on the street corner with a "I'll work for food" sign.
Hope, I think identifying with an issue is a big part, but that is also a double edged sword. I've been on the receiving end of more that one outburst regarding my situation because someone else has "recovered" from a similar situation and is frustrated with mine.
Vixen, I do think life experience plays a BIG part in compassion.
Micky-T, yes it is, and we could use a little more good in this world!
Evil Twin's Wife, yep! If compassion leads to action that helps beyond the moment, it is an even greater thing.
Dharma, as I said in an earlier comment, I think compassion is directly related to life experiences. Funny you mention having less compassion for those you love. I hadn't considered it, but I definitely have an easier time showing compassion to strangers. Hmmm ...
I like to think that I give my compassion without thought...there are things and people and situations that break my heart and i give it up for those things...
Maybe I give it away to those who do not deserve it also - but I am hopeful they learn and pay it forward
vulnerability and getting hurt.
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