~*~*~*~*~
Yesterday, Veronica over at Another Suburban Mom posted a reminder that in addition to October being National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Although I've seen several posts on Breast Cancer Awareness Month, hers was the first I've seen on Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I'm guessing that has something to do with the fact that boobies are so much fun to talk about (and even more fun to look at).
But today? There will be no pink brimmed hats, no pink football gloves, no little pink twibbon on my Twitter avatar. Nope! Today it's going to be all about purple. Today I'm going to be "brave" and speak a little more about Domestic Violence and how it has been a part of my life for 40+ years.
Some of you will chime in with how disgusting it is that I play the victim. Some will say that if it is really as bad as I claim, I'd just walk out, therefor I must be attempting to garner sympathy or maybe I actually enjoy the abuse. Some will accuse me of being ungrateful for the "high life" I live, feeling I'm nothing more than a selfish snob. Some will wonder how a woman who is well educated could possibly be so stupid as to find herself in this situation, and continue to keep herself, and her child, in an abusive environment. But hopefully, some of you will understand. Some of you will feel the heat of the tears that fall down your cheeks as you read this and relive your own tales.
The best place to start this story is at the beginning - my earliest childhood memories. The most vivid one was when I was probably 4 or 5. You see, although my parents marriage was explosive, the physically abusive part of it was well hidden for many years. But on this particular night it wasn't.
My mom woke me up in the middle of the night - told me we had to leave - we were going to visit some family friends of ours. I remember thinking it was really strange that we were visiting someone in the dark, but I was still at that age where I believed whatever my parents told me.
As we walked through the living room to head out the door, I noticed that the dining room table was upside down and two of the wooden chairs were broken into pieces and scattered across the orange, shag carpeting. When I asked my mom what happened, she told me she and my dad were just using furniture to build an indoor fort. The naivety of a 4 year old didn't even see a need to question that explanation.
That was the only time we ever left, and the next day we were right back home - my mom trying to clean up the mess from the previous night and me on my hands and knees next to her, trying to help. With the exception of leaving the house, this scene would replay itself many, many more times over the course of my life. First it was me kneeling next to my mom, trying to help. As I got older, it was me cleaning up the mess left by my father while my parents continued to yell and scream in the background. Years later - as an adult - it would be me cleaning up the mess I had forced my boyfriend or husband to create - the one that occurred when I got out of line, unreasonable, emotional, hysterical, etc. It's what I know and I know it too well.
Growing up, the physical violence - the stuff that leave marks - was doled out primarily to my mother. Sure, I was on the receiving end of the beatings (they were never spankings) with the leather belt - the ones that left welts and bruises - but I always deserved them and no one was ever the wiser. They remained covered, far beneath the layers of clothing that were never removed anywhere that might lack privacy.
Then there was the one time my father threw a set of keys at me, hitting me in the mouth and giving me a bloodied and fat lip, because I had been "flirting" with the older man in the seat next to me on a flight we were on (the older gentleman was an engineer, helping me with my geometry homework).
No, most of the time, the abuse I received at the hands of my father was abuse that no one ever saw and therefor, it didn't exist. It was the late night, drunken driving fests where he put both my mother and I in grave danger. It was having a loaded shotgun held to my head and being told that if I spoke another word he would blow my head off. It was being told I was fat, lazy, worthless - that I was an embarrassment to my father - to my family. It was being grounded for bringing home an A- on a straight A report card because I wasn't working up to my potential. It was wanting to be loved and never being good enough to be loved the way I wanted, then realizing I didn't deserve the love I wanted.
And it didn't just come from my father. My mother made me call her by her first name from the time I was 9 whenever we were in public because she didn't want people to know I was her daughter. She used to tell me if I'd just lose weight - if I'd just do better in school - if I'd just [fill in the blank] better, my dad would stop drinking and our family would be happy.
When I finally started dating at 19, my first "serious" relationship was with a 24 year old alcoholic, single father. We were together for 2 years, and the relationship mirrored my parents marriage in every way. I spent the next 6 years in very similar relationships, marrying twice. My first husband was emotionally abusive and my second - Alan (who I wrote about [HERE]) - was an addict and alcoholic who would eventually take his own life, and part of mine.
After Alan's death, I dated, but only unavailable men. Men who were in relationships. Men who were married. In my mind, they always treated me very well, heaping compliments and gifts my way, often telling me how much more they cared about me than they did their own wives. Somehow I was able to deny that these too, were abusive and destructive relationships. Never was a derogatory comment hurled my direction. Never was I hit or coerced into doing things to make someone else happy. No, I was able to believe that this was what real love was all about, and if I could just be a little bit better, be nicer, be thinner and prettier, these men would see that I was the one they should be with. It never happened, but that didn't mean I would give up.
I've been with husband for six years now, married for three and a half years. This relationship has been no different than the rest. He was married when we got together. It wasn't until we had been living together for six months that his ex-wife filed for divorce and it was 18 months after that, that the divorce was finalized.
It isn't as if husband was on his best behavior while we dated. ALL of the signs were there. The battering, the abuse, started long before we said "I do" ... and I ignored it. I'm not a bad person. I have a lot of good qualities. If I can only be a better wife, be more attractive, fulfill his sexual desires ... if only ... if only ...
Yesterday, as I was reading Veronica's post and clicking on some of the resources, I came across the Domestic Violence Wheel. It's funny, I actually used this very graphic in one of my posts, but didn't really consider its validity in my own relationship. Of the eight pieces of this wheel, I am currently living each and every one of them to varying degrees (in Veronica's comments I claimed only seven of them).
USING INTIMIDATION: Yelling - and I mean at the top of his lungs yelling - is husband's preferred method of intimidation, but he has also used throwing things, punching walls, faking a punch, etc. He intentionally interferes with my sleep, making sure I am awake any time and every time he is.
USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE: I am often told how I waste my life, how I'm not living up to expectations thus making husband work harder. I don't keep the house clean enough. The laundry isn't done quickly enough. I didn't get his clothes to the cleaners soon enough. I don't make enough money. I need to do everything around the house to make up for my lack of financial contribution, Nothing I do is ever enough. I can always do better.
Husband often withholds "love", affection and recognition as punishment when I've done something unacceptable or something that makes him mad. There are frequently days when he never speaks to me, refuses to acknowledge my presence in the home.
USING ISOLATION: Husband has insisted that I not talk about our relationship to anyone in the family or in the community. He distances himself from the families and "demands" the same of Cam and I, mocking and belittling us when we are so weak we must rely on family. He offered to pay the airfare for Cam and I to visit Washington this summer, then changed his mind at the last minute making it almost impossible for us to get there.
MINIMIZING, DENYING & BLAMING: This is one of the bigger ones. It is always the result of my actions that causes husband to act the way he does. All couples fight, but I push him and make him say things he doesn't mean. His favorite? This isn't an abusive relationship, I'm just over-sensitive due to the dysfunction of my family growing up.
USING CHILDREN: This was the one piece of the wheel I thought I was exempt from because husband has no claims to Cam, but the truth is he often tells me how I screwed up Cam's life, how my own selfishness in becoming a single parent has destroyed any potential Cam might have, how I've ruined Cam. Attacking my parenting is a common theme.
USING MALE PRIVILEGE: Husband makes all of the major decisions without any input. If he does tell me and I disagree with his plan, my input is dismissed without consideration, usually to the tune of an eye roll. He often makes decisions that impact the family, the safety and security of the household, without allowing any input from me.
USING ECONOMIC ABUSE: This is another big one in our home. Husband puts the mortgage payment into the joint account - the account I "control" I am responsible for providing EVERYTHING else for the household and for Cam. Husband has at least $2,500 in discretionary spending money each month to my $400. In addition to scrutinizing grocery receipts, he also double checks deposits to the joint account to insure I'm not "stealing" from him. I must ask for money and justify the need should we run short in any month. He then decides if I (or Cam) am worthy.
USING COERCION & THREATS: Any time there is a disagreement, husband tells me he is going to leave and take all of his money with him, leaving me in a house that will be foreclosed on. He threatens to take Cam and me off the health insurance. Tells me to call the police because they'll never see a mark on me and will know I'm lying to them.
When I look at these things, I cannot deny that I am in an abusive relationship, nor can I shake the notion that this is somehow my fault. Logically, I cannot explain why I am still in this marriage, yet emotionally I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear. I can't tell you why I stay (although this guide offers some insight), just as I can't tell you why husband continues to batter and abuse.
I'd love to end this post by telling you all that I am leaving, that I have a plan, but all that I can tell you is that I am closer to leaving now than I ever have been before. I have reached out for help - in more than one direction - but the response has been one of "just do this next", and I've been unable to tackle that next step. All that I can manage right now is to ask for support. Chasing it down? Having to call one more person? Tell my story one more time? It's overwhelming.
I feel crazy. Embarrassed. Humiliated. What is so wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away? How can it be battering? Abuse? If there isn't a black eye? Bruises on my arms? Broken bones? How can it be domestic violence when it doesn't leave a mark you can see?
Yesterday, Veronica over at Another Suburban Mom posted a reminder that in addition to October being National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, it is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.Although I've seen several posts on Breast Cancer Awareness Month, hers was the first I've seen on Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I'm guessing that has something to do with the fact that boobies are so much fun to talk about (and even more fun to look at).
But today? There will be no pink brimmed hats, no pink football gloves, no little pink twibbon on my Twitter avatar. Nope! Today it's going to be all about purple. Today I'm going to be "brave" and speak a little more about Domestic Violence and how it has been a part of my life for 40+ years.
Some of you will chime in with how disgusting it is that I play the victim. Some will say that if it is really as bad as I claim, I'd just walk out, therefor I must be attempting to garner sympathy or maybe I actually enjoy the abuse. Some will accuse me of being ungrateful for the "high life" I live, feeling I'm nothing more than a selfish snob. Some will wonder how a woman who is well educated could possibly be so stupid as to find herself in this situation, and continue to keep herself, and her child, in an abusive environment. But hopefully, some of you will understand. Some of you will feel the heat of the tears that fall down your cheeks as you read this and relive your own tales.
The best place to start this story is at the beginning - my earliest childhood memories. The most vivid one was when I was probably 4 or 5. You see, although my parents marriage was explosive, the physically abusive part of it was well hidden for many years. But on this particular night it wasn't.
My mom woke me up in the middle of the night - told me we had to leave - we were going to visit some family friends of ours. I remember thinking it was really strange that we were visiting someone in the dark, but I was still at that age where I believed whatever my parents told me.
As we walked through the living room to head out the door, I noticed that the dining room table was upside down and two of the wooden chairs were broken into pieces and scattered across the orange, shag carpeting. When I asked my mom what happened, she told me she and my dad were just using furniture to build an indoor fort. The naivety of a 4 year old didn't even see a need to question that explanation.
That was the only time we ever left, and the next day we were right back home - my mom trying to clean up the mess from the previous night and me on my hands and knees next to her, trying to help. With the exception of leaving the house, this scene would replay itself many, many more times over the course of my life. First it was me kneeling next to my mom, trying to help. As I got older, it was me cleaning up the mess left by my father while my parents continued to yell and scream in the background. Years later - as an adult - it would be me cleaning up the mess I had forced my boyfriend or husband to create - the one that occurred when I got out of line, unreasonable, emotional, hysterical, etc. It's what I know and I know it too well.
Growing up, the physical violence - the stuff that leave marks - was doled out primarily to my mother. Sure, I was on the receiving end of the beatings (they were never spankings) with the leather belt - the ones that left welts and bruises - but I always deserved them and no one was ever the wiser. They remained covered, far beneath the layers of clothing that were never removed anywhere that might lack privacy.
Then there was the one time my father threw a set of keys at me, hitting me in the mouth and giving me a bloodied and fat lip, because I had been "flirting" with the older man in the seat next to me on a flight we were on (the older gentleman was an engineer, helping me with my geometry homework).
No, most of the time, the abuse I received at the hands of my father was abuse that no one ever saw and therefor, it didn't exist. It was the late night, drunken driving fests where he put both my mother and I in grave danger. It was having a loaded shotgun held to my head and being told that if I spoke another word he would blow my head off. It was being told I was fat, lazy, worthless - that I was an embarrassment to my father - to my family. It was being grounded for bringing home an A- on a straight A report card because I wasn't working up to my potential. It was wanting to be loved and never being good enough to be loved the way I wanted, then realizing I didn't deserve the love I wanted.
And it didn't just come from my father. My mother made me call her by her first name from the time I was 9 whenever we were in public because she didn't want people to know I was her daughter. She used to tell me if I'd just lose weight - if I'd just do better in school - if I'd just [fill in the blank] better, my dad would stop drinking and our family would be happy.
When I finally started dating at 19, my first "serious" relationship was with a 24 year old alcoholic, single father. We were together for 2 years, and the relationship mirrored my parents marriage in every way. I spent the next 6 years in very similar relationships, marrying twice. My first husband was emotionally abusive and my second - Alan (who I wrote about [HERE]) - was an addict and alcoholic who would eventually take his own life, and part of mine.
After Alan's death, I dated, but only unavailable men. Men who were in relationships. Men who were married. In my mind, they always treated me very well, heaping compliments and gifts my way, often telling me how much more they cared about me than they did their own wives. Somehow I was able to deny that these too, were abusive and destructive relationships. Never was a derogatory comment hurled my direction. Never was I hit or coerced into doing things to make someone else happy. No, I was able to believe that this was what real love was all about, and if I could just be a little bit better, be nicer, be thinner and prettier, these men would see that I was the one they should be with. It never happened, but that didn't mean I would give up.
I've been with husband for six years now, married for three and a half years. This relationship has been no different than the rest. He was married when we got together. It wasn't until we had been living together for six months that his ex-wife filed for divorce and it was 18 months after that, that the divorce was finalized.
It isn't as if husband was on his best behavior while we dated. ALL of the signs were there. The battering, the abuse, started long before we said "I do" ... and I ignored it. I'm not a bad person. I have a lot of good qualities. If I can only be a better wife, be more attractive, fulfill his sexual desires ... if only ... if only ...
Yesterday, as I was reading Veronica's post and clicking on some of the resources, I came across the Domestic Violence Wheel. It's funny, I actually used this very graphic in one of my posts, but didn't really consider its validity in my own relationship. Of the eight pieces of this wheel, I am currently living each and every one of them to varying degrees (in Veronica's comments I claimed only seven of them).USING INTIMIDATION: Yelling - and I mean at the top of his lungs yelling - is husband's preferred method of intimidation, but he has also used throwing things, punching walls, faking a punch, etc. He intentionally interferes with my sleep, making sure I am awake any time and every time he is.
USING EMOTIONAL ABUSE: I am often told how I waste my life, how I'm not living up to expectations thus making husband work harder. I don't keep the house clean enough. The laundry isn't done quickly enough. I didn't get his clothes to the cleaners soon enough. I don't make enough money. I need to do everything around the house to make up for my lack of financial contribution, Nothing I do is ever enough. I can always do better.
Husband often withholds "love", affection and recognition as punishment when I've done something unacceptable or something that makes him mad. There are frequently days when he never speaks to me, refuses to acknowledge my presence in the home.
USING ISOLATION: Husband has insisted that I not talk about our relationship to anyone in the family or in the community. He distances himself from the families and "demands" the same of Cam and I, mocking and belittling us when we are so weak we must rely on family. He offered to pay the airfare for Cam and I to visit Washington this summer, then changed his mind at the last minute making it almost impossible for us to get there.
MINIMIZING, DENYING & BLAMING: This is one of the bigger ones. It is always the result of my actions that causes husband to act the way he does. All couples fight, but I push him and make him say things he doesn't mean. His favorite? This isn't an abusive relationship, I'm just over-sensitive due to the dysfunction of my family growing up.
USING CHILDREN: This was the one piece of the wheel I thought I was exempt from because husband has no claims to Cam, but the truth is he often tells me how I screwed up Cam's life, how my own selfishness in becoming a single parent has destroyed any potential Cam might have, how I've ruined Cam. Attacking my parenting is a common theme.
USING MALE PRIVILEGE: Husband makes all of the major decisions without any input. If he does tell me and I disagree with his plan, my input is dismissed without consideration, usually to the tune of an eye roll. He often makes decisions that impact the family, the safety and security of the household, without allowing any input from me.
USING ECONOMIC ABUSE: This is another big one in our home. Husband puts the mortgage payment into the joint account - the account I "control" I am responsible for providing EVERYTHING else for the household and for Cam. Husband has at least $2,500 in discretionary spending money each month to my $400. In addition to scrutinizing grocery receipts, he also double checks deposits to the joint account to insure I'm not "stealing" from him. I must ask for money and justify the need should we run short in any month. He then decides if I (or Cam) am worthy.
USING COERCION & THREATS: Any time there is a disagreement, husband tells me he is going to leave and take all of his money with him, leaving me in a house that will be foreclosed on. He threatens to take Cam and me off the health insurance. Tells me to call the police because they'll never see a mark on me and will know I'm lying to them.
When I look at these things, I cannot deny that I am in an abusive relationship, nor can I shake the notion that this is somehow my fault. Logically, I cannot explain why I am still in this marriage, yet emotionally I am paralyzed with anxiety and fear. I can't tell you why I stay (although this guide offers some insight), just as I can't tell you why husband continues to batter and abuse.
I'd love to end this post by telling you all that I am leaving, that I have a plan, but all that I can tell you is that I am closer to leaving now than I ever have been before. I have reached out for help - in more than one direction - but the response has been one of "just do this next", and I've been unable to tackle that next step. All that I can manage right now is to ask for support. Chasing it down? Having to call one more person? Tell my story one more time? It's overwhelming.
I feel crazy. Embarrassed. Humiliated. What is so wrong with me? Why can't I just walk away? How can it be battering? Abuse? If there isn't a black eye? Bruises on my arms? Broken bones? How can it be domestic violence when it doesn't leave a mark you can see?
~*~*~*~*~
54 comments:
Dana:
I have nothing to say. Just know that I care about you and hope that you can find your way out.
I dont know you but I have read your writing for the last 6 months You are a beautiful and talented woman and a caring and loving mom. Dont ever forget that
I understand your situation Dana. You and I, and anyone who deals with Domestic violence know what you must do to get out of that "circle". You know why you are in that circle (as does every women in the circle with you) and what you must do to get out of that circle. I strongly suggest that you go see a divorce lawyer. You know you will have to see one sooner or later anyway. And most of all, you know why your husband is that way, made not born. Too bad your husband can't see himself and what his family made him into.
When I was practicing divorce and family law, I saw abuse all the time. But it was easy for me be "better" than those victims. I could look down on them for putting themselves in those relationships and I could pity those poor, poor women (mostly women anyway).
Every time you speak about this topic, it gives me a new perspective. You are someone who I respect - someone who should be "better" than this situation - like I am.
I guess you help me realize that abuse isn't something that just happens to weak, pathetic women. And if you are able to make me re-think my position on abuse, I am sure you are reaching other people too.
My heart goes out to you. You WILL find a way! Your way. Hugs!
Anything else I would say would be pointless. You know what needs to be done. Abuse in any form is not healthy or safe. So, I support you in any effort you feel you need to do. Just don't wait until things get worse because they don't get better.
Very good post.
Another Suburban Mom, thank you for the inspiration. I think there is a common idea of what a battered/abused woman looks like and I think it was important that I stand up and admit to being one of "those" women.
Anonymous, I appreciate the compliment and there are times when I actually consider it might be true.
we're doomed, knowing what needs to be done, and being strong enough to do it are very different things. There is a great deal of conflict between what I know and what I feel.
Karen, I appreciate your honesty and know that your view on domestic violence is a common one. There is a stereotype of what battered women look like - what kind of people they are - but I think there are likely a lot of "me"s out there.
better late than never, I will. It might take me longer (much longer) than people think it should, but I will.
Shiny Rod, it's quite easy to allow myself to believe that love can conquer all - that if I can just be lovable enough husband will love me and stop the nonsense. You'd think after six years I'd realize how idiotic that "hope" is.
We learn about relationships from watching our parents (or whatever adult/adult relationship we see growing up). From your mother, you learn that a woman's place on the receiving end of this kind of abuse. That is why you stay and leave only to find abusive men. It is a hard cycle to break.
I worry about Cam. What "man" behaviours has he learned are appropriate. I worry that Cam my try to be manly for some girl who has a different family background. That he may get himself into trouble and not really understand why.
If he thinks for a moment that the law doesn't protect you because the police won't see any marks, he is fooling himself.
Illinois wasn't a community property state when I lived there, but it seems to me that he is on the hook for a lot "martial" property.
I know it is hard, maybe impossible to leave (right now). Just realize that every abusive word is a lie and you deserve better.
You know it you see it and you are working toward a solution. I don't think the "just get out" comment people might say is correct. Sure we would all like to see both you and Cam out of a bad situation but to jump from the frying pan on to a burner is well scary as fuck I'm sure. You are a smart woman and loving Mom, I read it that you're doing what you can. Verbal and emotional abuse is bad very bad; fear sucks man.
xox
kindness and love also don't leave a mark you can see, but I'm so happy you have so much of that here in your comments.
namaste, mama.
...summon the courage, Good Woman...
My ex told me that we "abused each other." My therapist told me that that was typicl abuser talk.
One day, I heard a sermon by a woman at my church. And somehow it really sunk in. She talked about how I decide what I will accept. I can choose how I let people treat me. If I don't like it, I can walk away.
And I did. At that very moment, I was gone. It took lots of coordination and lots of tears, but Dana....it is SO worth it. You are worth it.
You are. You are. You are. And I'll never stop saying that.
Hugs.
Anyone who feels you are weak, or a victim or any of the other things you mention at the beginning has serious issues themselves and have never opened their eyes to what is truly happening around them.
This is not isolated.
A divorce lawyer is your first stop. You will not be left with the house...and he will be responsible financially to assist or will end up in jail.
I know two wonderful woman who were in your situation. One was almost killed before she took her son and left and then he sent friends after her. They are not resting in jail.
The other got out of one and ended up in a second abusive relationship (this one mental and not physical). She is now, finally, in a loving relationship that I believe fulfills all of her needs. The second husband is still around and tries to continue to abuse her mentally through their children...but she knows better and survives.
Professor Fate makes some excellent points about Cam and what he is witnessing and how it will affect his relationships growing up.
There are shelters for families to get settled in until they can get on their own feet. You and Cam also need to get counseling...together and apart...THIS is very important for the survival of both of you.
I know you mentioned the other day trying to keep Cam in his school district and that would be the best case - but if you can not find housing there, it might be wiser to look elsewhere. He has shown he is resilient and with you as his only role model when you move, he will earn that it is for the best.
Finally...men who abuse - mentally or physically or both - are lower than whale s**t at the bottom of the ocean and they have serious issues with their masculinity...
Outing them to the world shatters them totally...
Shatter him finally once and for all
In the end only you can decide that enough is enough and break the cycle...but you need to do it for both you and Cam
Dana...Always here to listen...
No one blames you for your childhood, that was out of your control. (But can I just say shame on your dad and also your mom for not protecting you better? Not meant in an ugly way at all, but what mom can dare say those things to you?) You are aware of the cycle and how you got here, it is soley up to you to break it for your son. I am glad you are closer, I really don't think you want to be there 30 years from now and dealing with Cam's recalling a similar story about his childhood. I rather think you want him to be able to say my mom broke the cycle. I've told you before, when you get sick and tired of it you will leave. He is not the source of your happiness or sorrow; it is in your hands. You can do it if you want it bad enough.
I have left 2 abusive relationships in my life and both times it was very hard but once I "just did it", it was easier than I had thought and not as bad financially as I had "been told".
I wish you all the luck in getting away from him for you and for Cam. Your husband doesn't deserve YOU.
Wow..
Just.. WOW.
Not only is your post vivid and valid, but I'm actually SHOCKED.
Snugs made a comment that actually REAFFIRMS your position!
*pinches self* Yup, I'm awake..
Dana, nobody knows better than you what needs to be done.
The question here is:
Are you going to be a strong enough person to take the steps needed to protect not only yourself, but Cam?
I hope you can find your way out as well. And, when you do, I know I'll support you in however you do it.
Thanks for sharing your story!
~Emmy
Marsha, I was a bit apprehensive in posting this, but wanted everyone to know that a beautiful home and a six-figure income do not exclude one from being abused ... or an abuser.
Professor Fate, I worry a great deal about Cam and how what he is seeing will impact his future relationships, after all, I am a prime example of how this works. Thinking he is immune to what he sees in nothing more than burying my head in the sand. A frequent reader sent me an email not too long ago that said, "Cam is affected by your husband even though you may think you serve as an adequate buffer." In no way do I think I am an adequate buffer - I know better.
Lu', fear does suck and is always an underlying feeling. It's not the in-your-face you might die kind of fear, but rather an underlying type of fear that nags you into believing this is as good as it gets - that allows you to question whether you really are overreacting - that never lets you feel safe.
The only reason I got out of my former situation was because I had the financial and emotional support of my parents to help me out. I hope you are able to find the help you need to leave, too. {{{Hugs}}}
Hope, why is it that it takes 10,000 doses of kindness and love to overcome just one dose of belittling and degrading. I wish it were the other way.
Phfrankie Bondo, courage ... yet another thing I am clearly lacking.
Real Live Lesbian, I think the bulk of my frustration comes from knowing better and yet being unable (unwilling?) to act. It just reinforces what I've been told - that I'm not good enough.
The only experience that I have lots of, that might help you, is starting over.
Don't look at it as running away, that's bullshit, your running with all your might *to* something. Something that you *really* want. It's a piece of cake!
Bond, Oh ... he will never be shattered. He will make sure I am shattered. He will go to amazing lengths to insure his reputation - his identity - is protected and there is nothing left of mine.
snugs, my greatest fear is Cam talking about me in the same way I talk about my own parents. Of wondering why his mother was so weak. Of "blaming" his failures on his terrible upbringing. And yet even that fear - as terrible and real as it is - isn't enough.
tjames, some of my comments might seem combative, but I think it's important for people to hear how the mind works in these situations.
I read your story - that you have left 2 abusive relationships - and that voice inside my head says, "See? You really are a piece of crap! She can leave 2 abusive relationships and you can't even get yourself out of one. One that is damaging your son and setting him up for failure in his future relationships."
I don't know how to make that internal dialog stop.
When I was finally able to escape my exH, it wasn't w/o an explosive finale, that required me to call 911 from behind a locked bedroom door with my children with me. It was the first time he was arrested for domestic violence (but not the last, the other dv charges were made by other following gf's) and then was arrested numerous other times for felony stalking/menacing and endangering lives -mine and my children).
Afterwards I entered a victims advocate program. It wasn't until then that I realized *every. aspect* of our 16yr relationship had been abusive. Even though the actual physical violence didn't come until the end, all the other forms of abuse were loud and clear.
I'm still healing from those 16 years. And there are days it's still difficult to not view myself as 'damaged goods'. Slowly, over time it gets better. But the first step is removing yourself from the situation. And I *know* how difficult that can be.
You commented on my Sat post and I want you to know, there IS hope.
Anyone who judges you on this post can screw themselves. Bc until you've been in an abusive situation/relationship you DON'T KNOW. I had 'friends' come to me repeatedly saying 'if you're so unhappy why don't you just leave'. It made me sick to my stomach. In most abusive situations, 'just leaving' isn't as easy of an option as they make it out to be.
If indeed you are apartment hunting, you've taken the first step. Make it happen!
Oh Dana. I don't know what to say. So, here is to you finding your way, and hopefully, a PEACEFUL way.
I feel your pain Dana, I grew up in the same environment....Thankfully I had a dream....I have been married 29 years and never been hit, abuse has not been a part of my children's lives...there is hope, and you have to want it for yourself and your child. I really hope you can take that step...the all important one, towards your happiness. I believe that there is always some kind of abuse in every relationship, hopefully it stays as sporadic as anger. I wish for you a life you have dreamed of and deserve....every one deserves that chance. I am waiting for the day when you can tell us you took that step. And know that whatever your decision, you have friends you can lean on. I for one, understand your hesitation and respect that as your choice for now. Good luck with all you do and stay blessed. And you ARE blessed, with a child who loves you, a good job, and many, many friends!
Thank you for reminding me that I am neither pathetic nor stupid. And so much more...I just wish we could sit together for awhile.
its a nasty, nasty business that youre dealing with.i can only say to you what i say to myself, life is meant to be lived in honesty, and happiness while surrounded by love. i hope you find that, its a great place to be. peace in life & harmony in the living of it is easy to find, when you accept it. good luck and hang in there.
Jormengrund, Am I going to be a strong enough person to take the steps needed to protect not only yourself, but Cam? Well ... obviously I haven't been, have I?
Emmy, sometimes I wish that proverbial knight in shining armor would gallop up to my front door and sweep Cam and me away!
Evil Twin's Wife, my parents, although suspicious, have NO IDEA how bad this has become. Being 1500 miles away, I know there is little they could do other than worry, and I don't want to burden them with *my* problems.
Micky-T, starting over is something I'm fairly good at, when given a level (or even somewhat level) playing field. This playing field is about as lopsided as it can possibly be ... unless that's a piece of cheesecake! *wink*
Vixen, "damaged goods" ... yes, that is exactly how I see myself. Not even good enough for the dollar store. And to be fair, this started long before husband, he was just the beneficiary of the work done before him.
I do listen to stories like yours and hope - hope that maybe I can have that life someday. But hope isn't enough. I'm going to actually have to *do* something.
perkins, if indeed? Trust me, that in itself was a HUGE step for me. I have no reason to admit to all of this other crazy crap, but lie about apartment hunting!
May I ask why you feel it's lopsided?
You stay or you go. If you stay, your in his world, if you go, you make your own world. Depending on how *you go* will depend on how much he can influence your new life.
(shit, you got me talking through my ass, WTF do I know)
Every once in a while I hit your blog from my google reader and always wonder why I do.
Anyone who would stay w/ a man who treats their child the way yours has treated your son is an idiot. I believe you stay b/c you like your lifestyle.
I feel absolutely no pity for you. You don't love this man. He's not the father of your son nor is even he a good step-dad. If you stay and he disrupts your sleep or whatever else you said he does, it's your own damn fault.
I had a mother who was sort of like you. You remind me a lot of her sometimes. Total victim. *gag*
Bina, thanks Bina!
Granny Nanny, I *am* in a far better position than many women in similar situations, and for that I am grateful. It does eliminate some of the obstacles.
Librarian Lee, no, not pathetic, not stupid and not crazy, no matter how many times you are told differently.
Clay Perry, I would say that accepting it - accepting that it is there for me - will likely be the hardest part.
Micky-T, I like it when you talk out your ass. You might be surprised at how much sense it makes!
fairyflutters, feel free to remove your reader subscription to my blog. It's quite easy to do. But I know why you don't. Can't pass up the opportunity for good gossip can you? You should have a hay-day with this post on Facebook for at least a week or two!
Yep! I'm in it for the lifestyle - because I am that superficial. I'll pay any price - even sacrifice my son's mental and emotional health - for that 3200 square foot house! Not to mention the high class 1998 Chevy Cavalier I drive.
And your pity? Save it for yourself. Based on this comment you need it far more than I do ... FAR more ...
Have you taken me out of your reader yet??
A lot of people think that getting out of these situations is easy. But, it's never as black and white as it seems from the outside.
My jaw just hit the ground. Fairyflutters I am shocked that really came from you. *shaking head* WTF is this world come to? Why have ppl lost their word sensors? Ugh!
I do feel where u r coming from. Trust me. I lived it. I was you. I was Cam. You'll do it. *wink* You will. Moms always step in (well good ones, and u r) when enough is enough.
Know your in my thoughts. ;-)
Jay, in theory, it is easy - just walk away. Unfortunately there is so much more to it than theory. It come with a whole lot of baggage.
Baseball Mom, she is entitled to her opinion, and my guess is that she is not the only one that feels that way - just the only one who did more than shake her head in disgust and hit the X to close the window.
I really am closer than I've ever been to doing the "right" thing. I'm not there yet, but I can honestly say that some of the BS excuses I've used in the past no longer are even a consideration.
I'm sorry that Domestic Violence (in all its forms) doesn't get as much attention as it should. I'm sorry this all has happened and continues to happen to you and everyone else who has ever been through it. And I'm sorry that the cycle will continue for so many people.
The leaving a mark thing really struck a nerve with me. This is the reason why I rarely attempt to explain why I no longer speak to my father. He was incredibly emotional and psychologically abusive to his children (and I suspect physically also to my mother- they divorced when I was younger) and I walked away at 16 when I realized I'd soon become my mother's replacement as his punching bag if I stuck around. But the way he and his side of the family tell it, I'm just a spoiled rotten ungrateful child who threw a tantrum about something or another and is punishing my daddy. Makes me sick to know some people think this of me, but I'd rather that than put myself through his abuse. My only fear is that he became violent with my siblings in my absence, though they've never said one way or the other.
I guess the point is, and it seems like other commenters agree, you're not alone. There are people who get it, Dana, and I'm sure there are a lot of people thinking of you and Cam.
ASM told me about your post early this morning, but it took me until now to get around to visiting...
It sounds like you're taking the steps you need to do break free and end the cycle.
I'm convinced that abusers and the abused "learn" that it's okay as children, and your own experiences as a child and young adult only reaffirm that for me. [I'm a crappy arm-chair psychologist, but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.]
For Cam's sake and not just your own, you need to get the hell out of there.
You and Cam are in our thoughts
I think you are afraid of failure, or of admitting failure and you don't want to endure another divorce and be alone. All human responses. None of them worth what you subject yourself and your child to. Having lived my own version of hell for six years I tell you to just find a safe way out and leave this man. And get yourself some individual therapy. soon.
one more thing. You mention over and over about how things looking nice on the outside don't mean they are good on inside and I think you think pepole really belive that. Some of the most affluent families are the most messed up. I really think this boils down to money, or at least it is a big part of it. Money does not keep you warm at night nor will it keep you company when your son leaves home. I see so many emotional conflicts in you. I was abused too when I was a child but so what? I was a child. I made bad choices in men and ruined a wonderful marriage because of my abuse. But at some point you have to quit looking back and deal with what is. Take responsibility for your own healing. This from one who has been in your shows.
NY Diva, I think it's much easier for people to empathize with the stereotypical abuse (bruises, broken bones, etc,) and the stereotypical abused woman (under educated, poor, unemployed) than it is to realize this isn't always something so easy to spot and so easy to "cure"
Thank you for sharing your story.
Hubman, I would agree - my "normal" is skewed. I continuously question whether my marriage is normal. After all, it's better than my parents marriage was.
dlk24, I think we all have a tendency to project our own life experiences on the situations of others. Fear of admitting failure? To whom? My family? My church? They all know my failure. It's already been shared.
There was a time when money was of more concern. Not in the way of "I enjoy this lifestyle and don't want to give it up", but in a way of "I am going to loose financial safety and security for myself and my son." I've resigned myself to that - it *is* going to happen.
I continue to be amazed by people who think they know me, yet are so far off base on the money issue.
if the money is not an issue, then why does it constantly show up in your posts when you talk about leaving and or your husband? I guess I am confused. I assume you talk about those things important to your decision.
I just remembered why I stopped reading Fairyflutters......
dlk24, let me be clear - having the money to support Cam and I, in a safe and secure manner - *is* important. Does that mean we need a 3200 sq ft home? Or name brand clothes? Or the ability to go out to dinner when we please? We don't have any of that now, so no - money is not a factor in that way. Being able to pay rent, keep the utilities on and put semi-nutritious food on the table is a factor.
Vixen, ummm ... yeah ... she left my reader long ago.
Dana I have missed you during my blogging break and I think of you often. This shocking and honest post just might bring me back to my blogging addiction. I need to read you every day.
Dana I have missed you during my blogging break and I think of you often. This shocking and honest post just might bring me back to my blogging addiction. I need to read you every day.
Sorry, I didn't realize my friend was still signed on gmail. Mark doesn't know you enough to miss you yet but maybe I should have him start reading too.
I have been in physically violent relationships before-a few of them as a matter of fact.
They are harder to get away from than most people would anticipate. However, once you take that step and get out of there it's the best feeling in the world.
I am now about to get married to a wonderful man who actually treats me right.
Dana,
I've been reading your blog for a long time and this has honestly been one of the most powerful and painful posts you've ever written.
I'm speechless.
You are strong woman (definitely not crazy!), and I have faith that you will able to find a happier, healthier path in life.
Dana -
I just read this post (this is what I get for not being a good blogger friend! Sorry!) but it definitely hit home for me. I didn't have the physical abuse in my marriage of 8 years to the boys' dad but the emotional/mental abuse was there even when we were dating and I chose to ignore then and during the marriage. His threats were paralyzing - using the children (telling me that if I ever left he'd take my kids from me and I'd never see them) and humiliation to control the situation because what I've now come to realize because he's a weak, pathetic individual that has no control in his life so he MUST control someone else's.
He continues the pattern to this day with my children and I absolutely HATE it!! But the state says the boys have to go to be with him because he's allowed time because he helped bring them into the world. What a bunch of shit! My oldest hates his dad, the middle one is scared along with the youngest. He uses the intimidation and in September got somewhat physical with the oldest but as he put it "there's no marks" - meaning there's nothing I can do about it. Uugghh... the therapist says he just had a bad parenting day we all do it. The coordinator that's suppose to help us learn to communicate with each other uses he "alledged abuse by his brother" as an excuse for why he can't communicate or change and I'm left being the bad person because I want better for my boys.
Last night I picked up the boys from the ex as they spent Christmas with him and the youngest piped in when the oldest was saying that he only got 5 gifts and his brothers got several more and said "Yeah, that's because daddy doesn't love him." WTF???? No one can tell me that there is not something going on in THAT house!!!
As many people have stated, it's hard to understand why we stay unless they have been in similar situation. It's not easy to leave but I am SO GLAD you did! I applaud you and your courage to do what you needed to do for YOU and CAM!!! Stories like ours give others the inspiration to do what they need to do to improve their own situation.
Btw, sorry for the very long comment...
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