~*~
When Cam makes bad choices, it's all too easy for me to judge my parenting, especially when I've made so many mistakes along the way.
When someone else points the finger at me ("She must be a crappy mother if her kid does that!"), I've already beat myself up for whatever failure they see. It's a little less painful to do the proactive beat down.
Logically, I know that free will (not to be confused with Free Willy) is alive and well in the teen brain, but that doesn't stop me from wondering if something I did 5, 7, or even 15 years ago is the cause of Cam's bad choices now.
Sprinkle that with a dash of Time Magazine's Are You Mom Enough and a few one-liners from Rick Santorum (i.e. "We are seeing the fabric of this country fall apart, and it's falling apart because of single moms" and single mothers are "simply breeding more criminals") and you begin brewing the self-loathing mom storm.
I gave birth knowing I would be a single mom.
I didn't breastfeed long enough.
I didn't provide a strong male father figure for him.
I gave him too much and required him to work too little.
I put him in (and kept him too long in) an emotionally and physically abusive environment.
I moved him to an area with no racial diversity.
I didn't teach him abstinence only.
It must be my fault!!!
I've been accused many times of being a smug, know-it-all, but when it comes to parenting (and a few other areas of my life), I have a nagging and overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I fear that I'm just not a good enough parent and, no matter how hard I try, I will never get the parenting thing right. I worry constantly that I did a terrible thing to society by having a child and being a shitty parent. I often imagine how different Cam would be if he'd had a really good parent, or better yet, 2 great parents.
I feel that I let Cam down - that his life will be more difficult because of my inadequate and faulty parenting.
I am fairly certain that I am not mom enough, and outcomes like this offer me further proof of that belief.
No, I probably shouldn't beat myself up, but I am terrified that if I forgive myself, I'll make the same mistakes again.
No, I probably shouldn't beat myself up, but I am terrified that if I forgive myself, I'll make the same mistakes again.
~*~
(8/365)
7 comments:
As much as the mother wants to believe they really have control and it's all on how you raise the kid.. it's just not the case. You're kid is going to be the unique personality that they were born with. It doesn't sound like you have abused or traumatized Cam. Every kid makes bad choices and messes up on occasion. You can't control it all.
OH, HONEY…we are all just doing the best we can at any given moment. None of know how our idea of parenting is going to work out in the end, and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking otherwise.
I ditto what Knight said.
The fact that you are even THINKING about and reflecting upon your parenting makes you a better parent than a lot of parents out there.
Mistakes are okay; I know no perfect parents and even fewer perfect children (fewer than none? Yes.)--but it's apathy that is reflective of a bad parent.
I constantly question myself but I am never afraid to tell my kids, "I am doing the best I can." I provide them a safe, stable home and lots of love. That is all we can do, we all make mistakes.
I work with lots of parents...some shitty, some stellar. You're a damn good momma.
Don't let clods steal your joy!
Post a Comment