Going Green - When Good Blogging Goes Bad

Maybe I should have titled this series "Going Green From 2008" as it seems I'm finding my content during that year is the only content worthy of recycling. 

I've been active online for 15+ years, starting in forums and email lists. When I made the jump to blogging, I really tried to keep those two worlds separate  As you'll see from this post, that didn't work out so well for me.

I have had similar run-ins a few times since this post was written, one of which resulted in a reader (who I also know in "real life") contacting my employer via an anonymous email (later tracked by IP address) and "outing" my tumblr blog in an attempt to jeopardize my employment.

The good news? It was a valuable lesson learned early. Trying to keep your online world from colliding with your real life world is next to impossible. Your best bet is to be who you are, be accountable for what you write, and accept that anything you write can be found by anyone online.

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Any of you who read the comments on my blog yesterday saw what happens when good blogging goes bad. This is a situation where my past caught up with my present, even though I did my damnedest to separate the two.

A little background. When I moved from Maryland to Minnesota in 1998 due to a company acquisition, I was in desperate need of a support system. I was a single mom to a 2-year old. I had just moved halfway across the country to a place that held nothing for me but dark memories. I had no family within 1,500 miles, and I knew no one in my new "home" state.

While surfing the net one day, I came across a Single Moms email list that I thought might be helpful. I subscribed and built some very strong cyber friendships, and even a few amazing real life friendships. Sure, there were ups and downs on the list - any time you get a large group of women together there are plenty of opportunities for snarky cat fights - but overall it was just what I needed - a group of women who had been where I was that had made it through. That meant I could too!

Over the years there were some list members that I frequently butted heads with. My Anon commenter yesterday was one of those. She and I often saw things differently - from parenting to politics - and many a nasty word was said. We were always able to come to some resolution though, and life moved on.

Not long after starting Half Nekkid Thursday (HNT) on my blog, one of the list members asked about it. I had one of those email brain farts where you reply to all rather than replying to the individual, and posted the link to my blog to the entire Single Moms email list.

I am certain there were many on the list who questioned my blog writings and HNT pics, but there were two, in particular, who were quite vocal and critical.   These two women did their best to shame me in a group of women that I had grown to respect, and who had grown to respect me. Each of them claimed to be doing it for my own "good." 

I attempted to defend myself for about a month, but every time the topic died down, one of the two would bring it up again. I asked, respectfully, that they stop reading the blog and/or stop discussing it on the Single Moms email list. They believed that because my blog was public, they should be able to bring up any part of it they wanted, any where they wanted. 

*shrugs*

I left the list. It was difficult - many of these women had been around when I became a member of the list 10 years ago - but I was tired of trying to explain myself - tired of hearing the criticisms (I get enough of that at home) - tired of feeling that I didn't belong. I didn't make some "I'm taking my ball and playing somewhere else" exit speech, I just quietly walked out the door and closed it behind me.

I've been quite impressed with the blogger community I stepped into. Those of you who read me regularly, as well as those who just stop by for HNT, have been amazingly supportive. I know that you don't necessarily agree with what I'm doing all of the time, but you offer positive thoughts, stories and often just a smile. Those are the things that keep me going these days - that remind me that when I'm ready, I can make good decisions and have the life I deserve. I know that my life is a train wreck and I don't ever take your support as a blanket "atta-boy," but the positive way that y'all approach difficult situations has given me a different perspective.

At least one of these two women (and I'm almost certain, both of them) have come out from behind the lurker curtain (they've both continued to read me over the past few months) to judge me and shame me in yet another public forum. One of them claims this is about security - both mine and that of my family - (and to a certain extent I understand that) but there is always this underlying tone of how "wrong" I am for doing what I do.

This time they are on my playground, yet they want to play by their rules. Neither of them seems to realize what a bad decision this is. I'm not quitting, and I'm not going away. I do have some concern that these two women know too much about me and may try to leverage that knowledge to "force" me out of blogging - to shame me even further. In their distorted, self-righteous lives, they believe I am harming myself and my family and they need to "fix" me. They are entitled to their opinion, but it would be good for them to remember that I have just as much knowledge about them. 

I won't fight dirty, but I will fight fair.

Am I Mom Enough?

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When Cam makes bad choices, it's all too easy for me to judge my parenting, especially when I've made so many mistakes along the way. 

When someone else points the finger at me ("She must be a crappy mother if her kid does that!"), I've already beat myself up for whatever failure they see. It's a little less painful to do the proactive beat down.

Logically, I know that free will (not to be confused with Free Willy) is alive and well in the teen brain, but that doesn't stop me from wondering if something I did 5, 7, or even 15 years ago is the cause of Cam's bad choices now.

Sprinkle that with a dash of Time Magazine's Are You Mom Enough and a few one-liners from Rick Santorum (i.e. "We are seeing the fabric of this country fall apart, and it's falling apart because of single moms" and single mothers are "simply breeding more criminals") and you begin brewing the self-loathing mom storm.

I gave birth knowing I would be a single mom.

I didn't breastfeed long enough.

I didn't provide a strong male father figure for him.

I gave him too much and required him to work too little.

I put him in (and kept him too long in) an emotionally and physically abusive environment.

I moved him to an area with no racial diversity.

I didn't teach him abstinence only.

It must be my fault!!!

I've been accused many times of being a smug, know-it-all, but when it comes to parenting (and a few other areas of my life), I have a nagging and overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. I fear that I'm just not a good enough parent and, no matter how hard I try, I will never get the parenting thing right. I worry constantly that I did a terrible thing to society by having a child and being a shitty parent. I often imagine how different Cam would be if he'd had a really good parent, or better yet, 2 great parents.

I feel that I let Cam down - that his life will be more difficult because of my inadequate and faulty parenting.

I am fairly certain that I am not mom enough, and outcomes like this offer me further proof of that belief.

No, I probably shouldn't beat myself up, but I am terrified that if I forgive myself, I'll make the same mistakes again.

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(8/365) 

A Man in the House is Worth Two in the Bush?

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Sometimes I crack myself up! With the title of this post you'd think I was a sex blogger. Nahhhh ... I'm just going to talk about single parenting.

I had a bit of an internal debate surrounding this post. Something tells me it won't be the popular opinion, but hopefully you'll read to the end before getting out the flame thrower. In the mean time, I'm donning my asbestos armor!

Yesterday, ~c left the following comment on my Sunday Secret:

Dana, i don't know what to say, other than keep hoping, but a Male figure in the house is better than no figure..

Maybe eventually,,.. we can hope.. Send them to do things together, leave you outta it, just trips to the store, or something like that,, maybe there's a bonding that still hasn't happened.. Can't force it, but put the two in a situation as to where they are together,,.. without you.. and see.. maybe..

Wish you all the luck,..

I had a great deal of discomfort with what she said. I actually agree that having two parents in the home is preferred, important and critical, yet I have to wonder about the concept of two parents is preferred at any cost (which may NOT have been her point at all).

Life is an odd creature and quite fickle. When I found out I was pregnant with Cam, I knew I would be a single parent. There wasn't any baby-daddy drama (other than having to wait until after Cam was born to be certain of who his father was) - I would be raising Cam on my own. While pregnant, I was in the "I am woman hear me roar" mode. Of course I would be a successful single parent. Kids don't need a father in the house. Women can do it all! Yeah ... I actually went there ...

After Cam was born, the reality of being a SINGLE parent hit hard. I had no family in the area - no social support system in place. I had never changed a diaper until Cam cam into my life. I didn't know how to bathe, burp or bundle a baby, and I didn't have anyone to show me how. Sleep deprivation was a constant in my life for the first two years. There was no one to give me a break. If I wasn't caring for Cam completely on my own, I was worrying about who was caring for him while I was at work.

As Cam got older I realized the importance of there being a same gender role model in his life. Sure, this person could have been an uncle, a grandfather, a family friend, except I had none of those available. I was beginning to see that I was not capable of being everything Cam needed.

There are some great programs out there to help with voids like this. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is a wonderful organization, but with so few volunteers and so many needs, the wait for a place in the program is often long. They also have age restrictions, serving kids age 7-14 only. There are usually single parent support groups that offer resources for single moms, but seldom do those include role model opportunities.

Fast forward 7 years. Husband and I get together. The every-other-month interactions Cam and husband had seemed promising - promising enough that I decide to sell my home and move us to Illinois. It wasn't long before we got out here that I realized this wasn't developing into the "father/son" relationship I had hoped it would.

There are many reasons for this and in no way am I attempting to place the blame entirely on husband. As a single parent, my discipline of Cam was inconsistent at best. I was dealing with a child that wasn't "neuro-typical" and I was too damn proud to ask for help. Husband felt the discipline needed to be addressed and that was where his relationship with Cam began - as disciplinarian. They continued to develop quite an adversarial relationship. I can count on a single hand the times they've done something together that didn't involve punishment of some sort.

It's sad on many levels. Cam wants nothing more than unconditional love from husband - husband doesn't know how to give anything but conditional love and that is what he gives to Cam (and to me).

So where am I going with all of this. First, let me say that I believe single parenting is HIGHLY over-rated, specifically single parenting by choice (where a single woman intentionally becomes pregnant knowing she will be a single parent). Second, if single parenthood does occur through some other set of circumstances, it is CRITICAL that there be a support system in place for the single parent and the child(ren). Third? I don't believe that having a man - any man - in the house is better than no man at all. What I think is critical is that we do our best to chose the father/mother of our child carefully and that we make a commitment of unconditional love to the CHILD, no matter where the relationship with the other parent goes.

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