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Sometimes I crack myself up! With the title of this post you'd think I was a sex blogger. Nahhhh ... I'm just going to talk about single parenting.
I had a bit of an internal debate surrounding this post. Something tells me it won't be the popular opinion, but hopefully you'll read to the end before getting out the flame thrower. In the mean time, I'm donning my asbestos armor!
Yesterday, ~c left the following comment on my Sunday Secret:
Life is an odd creature and quite fickle. When I found out I was pregnant with Cam, I knew I would be a single parent. There wasn't any baby-daddy drama (other than having to wait until after Cam was born to be certain of who his father was) - I would be raising Cam on my own. While pregnant, I was in the "I am woman hear me roar" mode. Of course I would be a successful single parent. Kids don't need a father in the house. Women can do it all! Yeah ... I actually went there ...
After Cam was born, the reality of being a SINGLE parent hit hard. I had no family in the area - no social support system in place. I had never changed a diaper until Cam cam into my life. I didn't know how to bathe, burp or bundle a baby, and I didn't have anyone to show me how. Sleep deprivation was a constant in my life for the first two years. There was no one to give me a break. If I wasn't caring for Cam completely on my own, I was worrying about who was caring for him while I was at work.
As Cam got older I realized the importance of there being a same gender role model in his life. Sure, this person could have been an uncle, a grandfather, a family friend, except I had none of those available. I was beginning to see that I was not capable of being everything Cam needed.
There are some great programs out there to help with voids like this. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is a wonderful organization, but with so few volunteers and so many needs, the wait for a place in the program is often long. They also have age restrictions, serving kids age 7-14 only. There are usually single parent support groups that offer resources for single moms, but seldom do those include role model opportunities.
Fast forward 7 years. Husband and I get together. The every-other-month interactions Cam and husband had seemed promising - promising enough that I decide to sell my home and move us to Illinois. It wasn't long before we got out here that I realized this wasn't developing into the "father/son" relationship I had hoped it would.
There are many reasons for this and in no way am I attempting to place the blame entirely on husband. As a single parent, my discipline of Cam was inconsistent at best. I was dealing with a child that wasn't "neuro-typical" and I was too damn proud to ask for help. Husband felt the discipline needed to be addressed and that was where his relationship with Cam began - as disciplinarian. They continued to develop quite an adversarial relationship. I can count on a single hand the times they've done something together that didn't involve punishment of some sort.
It's sad on many levels. Cam wants nothing more than unconditional love from husband - husband doesn't know how to give anything but conditional love and that is what he gives to Cam (and to me).
So where am I going with all of this. First, let me say that I believe single parenting is HIGHLY over-rated, specifically single parenting by choice (where a single woman intentionally becomes pregnant knowing she will be a single parent). Second, if single parenthood does occur through some other set of circumstances, it is CRITICAL that there be a support system in place for the single parent and the child(ren). Third? I don't believe that having a man - any man - in the house is better than no man at all. What I think is critical is that we do our best to chose the father/mother of our child carefully and that we make a commitment of unconditional love to the CHILD, no matter where the relationship with the other parent goes.
I had a bit of an internal debate surrounding this post. Something tells me it won't be the popular opinion, but hopefully you'll read to the end before getting out the flame thrower. In the mean time, I'm donning my asbestos armor!
Yesterday, ~c left the following comment on my Sunday Secret:
Dana, i don't know what to say, other than keep hoping, but a Male figure in the house is better than no figure..I had a great deal of discomfort with what she said. I actually agree that having two parents in the home is preferred, important and critical, yet I have to wonder about the concept of two parents is preferred at any cost (which may NOT have been her point at all).
Maybe eventually,,.. we can hope.. Send them to do things together, leave you outta it, just trips to the store, or something like that,, maybe there's a bonding that still hasn't happened.. Can't force it, but put the two in a situation as to where they are together,,.. without you.. and see.. maybe..
Wish you all the luck,..
Life is an odd creature and quite fickle. When I found out I was pregnant with Cam, I knew I would be a single parent. There wasn't any baby-daddy drama (other than having to wait until after Cam was born to be certain of who his father was) - I would be raising Cam on my own. While pregnant, I was in the "I am woman hear me roar" mode. Of course I would be a successful single parent. Kids don't need a father in the house. Women can do it all! Yeah ... I actually went there ...
After Cam was born, the reality of being a SINGLE parent hit hard. I had no family in the area - no social support system in place. I had never changed a diaper until Cam cam into my life. I didn't know how to bathe, burp or bundle a baby, and I didn't have anyone to show me how. Sleep deprivation was a constant in my life for the first two years. There was no one to give me a break. If I wasn't caring for Cam completely on my own, I was worrying about who was caring for him while I was at work.
As Cam got older I realized the importance of there being a same gender role model in his life. Sure, this person could have been an uncle, a grandfather, a family friend, except I had none of those available. I was beginning to see that I was not capable of being everything Cam needed.
There are some great programs out there to help with voids like this. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is a wonderful organization, but with so few volunteers and so many needs, the wait for a place in the program is often long. They also have age restrictions, serving kids age 7-14 only. There are usually single parent support groups that offer resources for single moms, but seldom do those include role model opportunities.
Fast forward 7 years. Husband and I get together. The every-other-month interactions Cam and husband had seemed promising - promising enough that I decide to sell my home and move us to Illinois. It wasn't long before we got out here that I realized this wasn't developing into the "father/son" relationship I had hoped it would.
There are many reasons for this and in no way am I attempting to place the blame entirely on husband. As a single parent, my discipline of Cam was inconsistent at best. I was dealing with a child that wasn't "neuro-typical" and I was too damn proud to ask for help. Husband felt the discipline needed to be addressed and that was where his relationship with Cam began - as disciplinarian. They continued to develop quite an adversarial relationship. I can count on a single hand the times they've done something together that didn't involve punishment of some sort.
It's sad on many levels. Cam wants nothing more than unconditional love from husband - husband doesn't know how to give anything but conditional love and that is what he gives to Cam (and to me).
So where am I going with all of this. First, let me say that I believe single parenting is HIGHLY over-rated, specifically single parenting by choice (where a single woman intentionally becomes pregnant knowing she will be a single parent). Second, if single parenthood does occur through some other set of circumstances, it is CRITICAL that there be a support system in place for the single parent and the child(ren). Third? I don't believe that having a man - any man - in the house is better than no man at all. What I think is critical is that we do our best to chose the father/mother of our child carefully and that we make a commitment of unconditional love to the CHILD, no matter where the relationship with the other parent goes.
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