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I've written about helicopter parents in the past. At the time I thought (hoped and prayed) it was yet another pendulum swing ... way too far to one side. Unfortunately, it's starting to look like helicopter parenting is the new traditional parenting.
There was a Twitter discussion last week initiated (I think) by @TheNextMartha (you are following her on twitter even if she does think Halloween is the best holiday ever, right??). She asked if anyone thought it was odd (my word, I don't remember hers, and I've been scorned for saving twitter screen shots) for a mom to still be making lunches for her high school student. Based on her responses, it seems mothers got a bit defensive.
Look, I'll be the first to admit that navigating the tween/teen years is akin to walking across a bed of fire sprinkled with glass shards. Not only is the heat immense, but there will be blood and it will leave a mark.
It's not easy to allow your kids to make mistakes, mostly because when they do (and they will, many of them), it reflects on your parenting. It's embarrassing and humiliating when your kid decides TP-ing the high school for homecoming is a good idea, even after the district-wide announcement that it will result in school and criminal consequences, and you get that call from the local Po-Po telling you they have Susie in a holding cell ... just ask my co-worker.
The problem is the flip side - not allowing them to make mistakes because you make all of their decisions for them - sets them up for failure as an adult.
Yes, school should be a teen's "job", but what skills are we teaching "almost grown up" Susie when we make her lunch, do her laundry, make sure she has nothing to distract her from her studies and let her walk out of the house at midnight with 12 rolls of toilet paper claiming she's making a food bank donation?
Guess what? When Susie leaves home, life will distract her and she will have to make decisions. Hopefully she's had the opportunity to make some bad ones (with real life consequences) while still within the "safety net" of home. Take that away from Susie and you aren't doing your job as a parent.
See, Susie won't have the luxury of mom cooking dinner for her every night, of opening the refrigerator and finding food without ever stepping into a grocery store, of clean, folded clothes magically appearing in her closet. She'll have to pay bills, set an alarm clock to get to work on time and know how to use a washer and dryer. These are skills and they need to be taught to - not done for - our kids.
Sure, you can defend your actions with "Empty Nest Logic" - you won't have Susie in your life forever, you only have a few years left before she heads off to college and you want to make her happy while she's still living in your house, but that is quite self-serving.
Not to worry. If you keep coddling Susie, she'll never leave home. She won't be able to, unless you drive around town finding boxes for her stuff, pack it up for her, load it into the moving van, go grocery shopping for her, open up a checking account for her insuring you have access to her on-line bill pay, call her in the morning to make sure she's gotten out of bed and pick up her laundry every week.
I've written about helicopter parents in the past. At the time I thought (hoped and prayed) it was yet another pendulum swing ... way too far to one side. Unfortunately, it's starting to look like helicopter parenting is the new traditional parenting.There was a Twitter discussion last week initiated (I think) by @TheNextMartha (you are following her on twitter even if she does think Halloween is the best holiday ever, right??). She asked if anyone thought it was odd (my word, I don't remember hers, and I've been scorned for saving twitter screen shots) for a mom to still be making lunches for her high school student. Based on her responses, it seems mothers got a bit defensive.
Look, I'll be the first to admit that navigating the tween/teen years is akin to walking across a bed of fire sprinkled with glass shards. Not only is the heat immense, but there will be blood and it will leave a mark.
It's not easy to allow your kids to make mistakes, mostly because when they do (and they will, many of them), it reflects on your parenting. It's embarrassing and humiliating when your kid decides TP-ing the high school for homecoming is a good idea, even after the district-wide announcement that it will result in school and criminal consequences, and you get that call from the local Po-Po telling you they have Susie in a holding cell ... just ask my co-worker.
The problem is the flip side - not allowing them to make mistakes because you make all of their decisions for them - sets them up for failure as an adult.
Yes, school should be a teen's "job", but what skills are we teaching "almost grown up" Susie when we make her lunch, do her laundry, make sure she has nothing to distract her from her studies and let her walk out of the house at midnight with 12 rolls of toilet paper claiming she's making a food bank donation?
Guess what? When Susie leaves home, life will distract her and she will have to make decisions. Hopefully she's had the opportunity to make some bad ones (with real life consequences) while still within the "safety net" of home. Take that away from Susie and you aren't doing your job as a parent.
See, Susie won't have the luxury of mom cooking dinner for her every night, of opening the refrigerator and finding food without ever stepping into a grocery store, of clean, folded clothes magically appearing in her closet. She'll have to pay bills, set an alarm clock to get to work on time and know how to use a washer and dryer. These are skills and they need to be taught to - not done for - our kids.
Sure, you can defend your actions with "Empty Nest Logic" - you won't have Susie in your life forever, you only have a few years left before she heads off to college and you want to make her happy while she's still living in your house, but that is quite self-serving.
Not to worry. If you keep coddling Susie, she'll never leave home. She won't be able to, unless you drive around town finding boxes for her stuff, pack it up for her, load it into the moving van, go grocery shopping for her, open up a checking account for her insuring you have access to her on-line bill pay, call her in the morning to make sure she's gotten out of bed and pick up her laundry every week.
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16 comments:
Thanks so much for writing this. I had no idea that my comment was going to get that much "heat." Striking that balance is difficult. I get it. But I personally want to error on the side of letting them do/learn to manage more than less. Thanks again.
Good Post. I am HUGE on teaching my kids to take care of themselves. I'm sure 'Im that way because I have so many that sometimes it is very necessary for them to step up. My oldest, 14 is awesome at this. He irons, cooks, does laundry, cleans etc. The 12 year old is coming along. The 9 year old is almost a lost cause and the 3 year old is too damned independent to let me do anything for her. So three outta four ain't bad.
I think it is so important for parents to pull back. However a lot of parents mistake pulling back for checking out. You can stop doing these things but you should always "keep an eye on it" so to speak to make sure that your teens are doing what needs to be done.
As for the lunch part. HELICOPTER!!! If you are making a high schoolers lunch. Paleeeze! It's okay to help out and make it when they are overwhelmed with activities every once in a while but for the most part the teen should be able to at least pull this off.
Wow. Who would think something as minor as making a sandwich would be a major parenting issue?
TheNextMartha, my thinking has always been that you can't gain too much experience in life skills.
Raquel's World, I would agree with your "checking out" observation. Trust me, I'd like to be done with parenting after 14 years, but now is the time when I had better be aware of what's going on (without attempting to control it) as the consequences for bad decisions can be life altering.
Karen, Ha! Spoken like a true non-parent! Sandwich making is only one of a myriad of SIGNIFICANT parenting issues.
Wow. There is SO much to discuss on this topic. I agree with you 100% (or for your American Idol readers, 150%). When did it become acceptable for parents to switch from empowering thier kids to enabling them?
And I will take your toilet papering story a step further: a "local high school" actually allows the CHEER LEADING TEAM to TP the entire school the night before the homecoming game. All in the name of "school spirit." When I was growing up, that was called vandalism.
I need a xanax.
I can't beleive the concern about TPing. My daughter was a hockey cheerleader and our house as well as other cheerleaders' houses got TPed once in awhile, by the other cheerleaders.
When that happens your kid gets to go out and clean it up. So what. I just have to laugh at the OCD puckered butts that this activity bothers.
I agree with Mike on the TP-ing, even if it is a school. That's a rite of passage, and well, it's fun. As for the packing of a HS kid's lunch..?
My mom would pack my lunch all through High School because I was typically working thirty hours a week at Hardee's and even Monday-Friday wouldn't get home until 11 PM some nights...even later on weekends.
I understand your point...some kids (and we all know some)get everything handed to them even into adulthood, but I think the lunch thing is a circumstantial issue.
Cheers Dana!!
This is a GREAT post. It is so hard to learn a good balance. Being a parent in the heat of things now I can so totally relate.
It is hard to learn to let go. Especially when your a SAHM. I figure I am here, why not make the bed, do the laundry, cook the food, scratch that no one cooks here, run his errands.
It is hard.
I would assume that would embarass the teen/tween. I recall having to buy my lunches at school and trying to figure out a way to make my money last properly week to week.
My sister works in human resources and recently received a call from a potential employees mother to ask if there were any job openings for her 28 year old daughter. Helicopter parents are one reason many young adults and adults are not able to be self-sufficient and think on their own. They have to call mommy and daddy for everything. I like the fact that most colleges now literally lock parents out after the first day of orientation. I know of a parent who stood in the back of their college age daughters lecture class for almost one week before being asked to leave. My children have responsibilities. My oldest son is very busy and I will not make his lunch for him. Last week he forgot it and he learned he just didn't get to eat. He has to learn consequences for his actions at some point. Children must learn to advocate for themselves. If you can't make a simple sandwich how will you be able to negotiate with your peers or teachers in a classroom setting.
As for TP-ing the yard I guess it depends on where you grew up. This was certainly not a right of passage where I grew up and I would have been pissed if it happened to my house. Maybe I would feel differently if this was the norm where I grew up.
"... and you get that call from the local Po-Po telling you they have Susie in a holding cell ... just ask my co-worker."
THIS is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.
Wow...were you over our house last night when we decided to not press charges of trespassing on a child who is totally out of control?
Who told me he was going to kick my a** as he chest bumped me?
Who told me to get on my knees and give him head (not in those words)?
Would have been easy to tell the sheriff to lock him up. Instead the sheriff was told to let him know that this was the last straw and next time he would be sent to jail.
The whole time, his daddy is telling him WE are the bad people and he loves him...this after stating this last weekend the kid was out of control and a real problem!
Bubble-wrapped kids will eventually find themselves, unemployed, unloved and wondering why no one will hold their hand as they go potty.
TPing a school? Arresting the kids? Over the top IMHO
My son is still in Middle School and I let him sleep in a bit, so for him to get ready, he has to keep moving. Luckily, he eats the school lunch most of the time, but if he wants a cold lunch, I'll still throw it together for him. But, on weekends, he will get in the kitchen and make any number of things for himself, so I know he has those skills.
I love this post! And once again, you said exactly what I think and feel! Parents who don't let their kids grow up cause more problems for their kids than they realize. My mom never taught us anything to be self-reliant. Hell, I remember the first time I found out that I actually had to pay for electricity. I thought all that time that it was free! A boyfriends sister-in-law taught me how to grocery shop when I was 19 cause I had no freaking clue. I had no idea about money, checking accounts, nothing.
My kids all know how to use a debit card, write a check, pay bills, grocery shop, order their food at restaurants(even my 7 year old). Heck, my 7 year old does her own laundry, and before anyone freaks out, she WANTED to learn, and she LOVES to do it, and she folds her own clothes and puts them away!
Okay, I could go on and on, but I won't.
With the full recognition that my childhood was perhaps too far the other way, I have to wonder what parents are thinking when they do everything for their kids. By high school you should be able to make your own lunch and know how to set an alarm clock. These are not things you should be learning your first time out in the world, whether in college or at a first job. Part of parenting is teaching your kids how to survive on their own, not enabling them to be completely effing helpless.
There seems to be a subset of parents who see their kids as just an extension of themselves and become entirely obsessed with the success of the kid as the only indication of their own personal success. They are seriously stunting the personal growth of their kids by doing everything for them.
(and then they get to college and I have to deal with them. not good.)
My parents were definitely not helicopter types, but they were always there if I needed them. You people are really starting to make me appreciate my parents! I TPed someone's house. I don't even remember who, but a holding cell?
It seems to me like the pendulum is swinging wildly these days both ways!
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