~*~*~
In Friday's post I mentioned that Saturday I would be attending a conference on treatment strategies for children and adolescents on the autism spectrum. I was quite excited about the conference - finding information on relevant (to Cam) topics like this has proven difficult in the past.
Rather than bore you with the irrelevant (to you) details of the conference, I thought I'd give you a view of the conference from my perspective.
I headed out to Naperville (about an hour drive from Podunk) early Saturday morning. As y'all know, this kind of excursion has the ability to cause me great anxiety, but since I attended an event at this location about 9 months ago, I'm fairly comfortable ... until I miss my exit ...
GAHHHH! There is a reason I build plenty of extra travel time into any trip. Panic ensues as I watch the exit go by. I consider my options. Map?? No ... just the Google map directions I printed out before I left. I could stop on the shoulder and back up to the exit. Probably not a good idea. CRAP!
I decide to take the next exit (3 miles down the road) and hope that I can get back on the tollway going the opposite direction (here in Illinois, just because you can get off the tollway at a certain point doesn't mean you can get back on at that same point). If all else fails, I can do the one-day subscription to VZ Navigator on my phone. Paying the $2.99 is better than having to stop and ask a stranger for directions.
Ahhhh ... crisis averted. I can get back on the tollway going the opposite direction. Now I can make my way back to my exit and still have plenty of time.
I park at one of the far edges of the lot. It's much easier to find my car at the end of the day if I park at the edge of a parking lot (preferably the left side when exiting the building) than if I do one of those "find the closest spot" moves.
I head to the building, remembering the last time I was here. I wandered for about 15 minutes trying to find the registration desk , finally asking a security guard for directions, only to learn I was standing about 20 feet from it. This time I head straight there.
I pick up my conference materials and am extremely excited to learn I've scored a highlighter and a container of Post-It flags. No ... seriously! I love office supplies. I actually browse office supply catalogs learning the names of all of the different items.
The actual presentation starts at 9:00AM - it's 8:15AM. There is a continental breakfast being served prior to the start of the conference, but first things first. I must go find my seat in the auditorium. Not just any seat. Nope! I need the same seat I sat in the last time I attended a conference in this auditorium. Not one near it, but THE SAME SEAT.
Thinking to myself, "Please God ... please God ... PLEASE GOD ... let me have gotten here early enough that no one is sitting in my seat.
They aren't. The auditorium is empty. Whew! I find my seat and put my conference materials on the seat to mark my territory. No one will dare move my things and take my seat ... unless they were me. I would do that to someone else, but only if their things were in my seat.
I grab a bagel and some coffee and try to find a place to eat it where no one will bother me. Table? No, someone will sit down and expect me to do the small talk thing. Bench up against the wall? Better option, but still the potential for forced social chit-chat. Ahhh ... the windows have a wide ledge. I'll go stand by one, use the ledge for a table and gaze out the window with my back to everyone. That should do the trick.
It's about 10 minutes until the presentation will begin. Must get into the auditorium NOW ... before it's full and people actually look at me while I'm walking to my seat. People looking at me - or me thinking people might be looking at me - makes me extremely uncomfortable. Invisible is my preference ... kind of ...
The first session will explore How Individuals on the Spectrum Think and Process the World. Cool! I enjoy learning more about how Cam's brain works. Who am I trying to kid? I like LEARNING. Brains are a fascinating topic though.
Dr. Tim Wahlberg tells the group that in order to understand the brain of someone on the autism spectrum, we need a clear picture of how our own brains work. He throws out phrases like "social comparison." What?? This makes no sense! How can you be talking about how our brains works if your idea of how I think is so skewed. You call yourself an expert? I'm a little irritated that I spent $40 on this.
DAMN! I wish they'd turn off that fan. I'm missing parts of what Dr. Wahlberg is saying because that fan is all that I can hear. And why are those women behind me talking? Don't they know it's impossible to concentrate on what is going on in front of me when they are being so disruptive??
Maybe if I fidget with this pen I'll be able to concentrate a little more. I always get irritating glances when I click my ball point pens, but the rhythmic sound and feel of the process helps me concentrate. I'll just do it quietly.
Thank goodness! First break. Time to find a bathroom and sit in the stall for a few minutes to get away from all of these people. LONG line at the women's restroom ... of course. I bet there is another bathroom upstairs and no one will want to walk up there. Let me sneak to the stairs so that no one else goes up there. Ahhh! Success! And quiet!
A few minutes in the stall. Then a few minutes at the sink. The soap is slippery goodness between my hands, and the warmth (all the way to hot) and weight of the water makes me smile.
OK. Enough. If I don't head back into the auditorium I'll be in that awkward position again where everyone might be looking at me as I find my seat. Can't deal with that.
Why are all of those people talking to Dr. Wahlberg? Don't they know the guy is selling snake oil?? He may know a lot about the autism spectrum, but he is clueless when it comes to the way most people think. And why are they having him sign their books? Really? Do they think that is impressive? Flattering? Makes them special?? Odd ...
OK, session two is about to start - Strategies and Interventions for Behavior - let's hope this session is a little more informative. I'd hate to think I paid $40, drove all this way and got up at 6:00AM to hear more of this crap.
This is starting to make more sense. Understanding the brain of someone on the autism spectrum is much easier than understand the "normal" brain.
Wait! Why is everyone laughing when Dr. Wahlberg gives example of how kids on the spectrum think? This is the first time his explanation of thinking has made any sense. It feels like these people are laughing at me.
SHIT! FUCK! This conference isn't for me ... it's about me! Oh hell! Now what?? How am I supposed to get anything out of this? EGADS!
I spent most of that second session fretting over the epiphany that this conference wasn't really going to help me. In fact, it had just made it even more clear why I have such a high level of frustration when it comes to dealing with the school. Of course they cannot see the logic behind my thinking. Of course they don't see why what they are doing is wrong. THEY DON'T THINK LIKE ME!!
I have very little recollection of anything said in that second session. I was fretting over the fact that the reason I understand what Cam needs is because I need those same things. My thoughts started hyper-focusing on how I was ever going to be successful at advocating for Cam when everyone around me thought we were both nuts.
Before I realized it 90 minutes had passed and I had heard NOTHING except the thoughts in my own head.
"Boxed lunches are out the door and to your right."
"Please fill out your name tag and wear it the rest of the day."
"There are tables set up in the lunchroom for you to sit at."
Ummmm ... no! Let me sit in the auditorium until it clears out. I'll get a lunch when there isn't any line. I will not wear a name tag. That's just stupid. No one cares what my name is anyway and they don't really want to talk to me. I will not sit in that noisy room with all of those strangers talking about stuff I really have no interest in.
I waited in the empty auditorium for about 5 minutes, reading the handouts and looking at the copy of Finding the Gray, hoping no one would bother me. It worked. Went out and picked up a boxed lunch and found a quiet corner to sit in. Ahhh ... reprieve from the craziness. One more session to get through.
I did get through that last session and made it home relatively unscathed, armed with the knowledge that most people don't think like I do.
... and I don't like that one bit!
In Friday's post I mentioned that Saturday I would be attending a conference on treatment strategies for children and adolescents on the autism spectrum. I was quite excited about the conference - finding information on relevant (to Cam) topics like this has proven difficult in the past.Rather than bore you with the irrelevant (to you) details of the conference, I thought I'd give you a view of the conference from my perspective.
I headed out to Naperville (about an hour drive from Podunk) early Saturday morning. As y'all know, this kind of excursion has the ability to cause me great anxiety, but since I attended an event at this location about 9 months ago, I'm fairly comfortable ... until I miss my exit ...
GAHHHH! There is a reason I build plenty of extra travel time into any trip. Panic ensues as I watch the exit go by. I consider my options. Map?? No ... just the Google map directions I printed out before I left. I could stop on the shoulder and back up to the exit. Probably not a good idea. CRAP!
I decide to take the next exit (3 miles down the road) and hope that I can get back on the tollway going the opposite direction (here in Illinois, just because you can get off the tollway at a certain point doesn't mean you can get back on at that same point). If all else fails, I can do the one-day subscription to VZ Navigator on my phone. Paying the $2.99 is better than having to stop and ask a stranger for directions.
Ahhhh ... crisis averted. I can get back on the tollway going the opposite direction. Now I can make my way back to my exit and still have plenty of time.
I park at one of the far edges of the lot. It's much easier to find my car at the end of the day if I park at the edge of a parking lot (preferably the left side when exiting the building) than if I do one of those "find the closest spot" moves.
I head to the building, remembering the last time I was here. I wandered for about 15 minutes trying to find the registration desk , finally asking a security guard for directions, only to learn I was standing about 20 feet from it. This time I head straight there.
I pick up my conference materials and am extremely excited to learn I've scored a highlighter and a container of Post-It flags. No ... seriously! I love office supplies. I actually browse office supply catalogs learning the names of all of the different items.
The actual presentation starts at 9:00AM - it's 8:15AM. There is a continental breakfast being served prior to the start of the conference, but first things first. I must go find my seat in the auditorium. Not just any seat. Nope! I need the same seat I sat in the last time I attended a conference in this auditorium. Not one near it, but THE SAME SEAT.
Thinking to myself, "Please God ... please God ... PLEASE GOD ... let me have gotten here early enough that no one is sitting in my seat.
They aren't. The auditorium is empty. Whew! I find my seat and put my conference materials on the seat to mark my territory. No one will dare move my things and take my seat ... unless they were me. I would do that to someone else, but only if their things were in my seat.
I grab a bagel and some coffee and try to find a place to eat it where no one will bother me. Table? No, someone will sit down and expect me to do the small talk thing. Bench up against the wall? Better option, but still the potential for forced social chit-chat. Ahhh ... the windows have a wide ledge. I'll go stand by one, use the ledge for a table and gaze out the window with my back to everyone. That should do the trick.
It's about 10 minutes until the presentation will begin. Must get into the auditorium NOW ... before it's full and people actually look at me while I'm walking to my seat. People looking at me - or me thinking people might be looking at me - makes me extremely uncomfortable. Invisible is my preference ... kind of ...
The first session will explore How Individuals on the Spectrum Think and Process the World. Cool! I enjoy learning more about how Cam's brain works. Who am I trying to kid? I like LEARNING. Brains are a fascinating topic though.
Dr. Tim Wahlberg tells the group that in order to understand the brain of someone on the autism spectrum, we need a clear picture of how our own brains work. He throws out phrases like "social comparison." What?? This makes no sense! How can you be talking about how our brains works if your idea of how I think is so skewed. You call yourself an expert? I'm a little irritated that I spent $40 on this.
DAMN! I wish they'd turn off that fan. I'm missing parts of what Dr. Wahlberg is saying because that fan is all that I can hear. And why are those women behind me talking? Don't they know it's impossible to concentrate on what is going on in front of me when they are being so disruptive??
Maybe if I fidget with this pen I'll be able to concentrate a little more. I always get irritating glances when I click my ball point pens, but the rhythmic sound and feel of the process helps me concentrate. I'll just do it quietly.
Thank goodness! First break. Time to find a bathroom and sit in the stall for a few minutes to get away from all of these people. LONG line at the women's restroom ... of course. I bet there is another bathroom upstairs and no one will want to walk up there. Let me sneak to the stairs so that no one else goes up there. Ahhh! Success! And quiet!
A few minutes in the stall. Then a few minutes at the sink. The soap is slippery goodness between my hands, and the warmth (all the way to hot) and weight of the water makes me smile.
OK. Enough. If I don't head back into the auditorium I'll be in that awkward position again where everyone might be looking at me as I find my seat. Can't deal with that.
Why are all of those people talking to Dr. Wahlberg? Don't they know the guy is selling snake oil?? He may know a lot about the autism spectrum, but he is clueless when it comes to the way most people think. And why are they having him sign their books? Really? Do they think that is impressive? Flattering? Makes them special?? Odd ...
OK, session two is about to start - Strategies and Interventions for Behavior - let's hope this session is a little more informative. I'd hate to think I paid $40, drove all this way and got up at 6:00AM to hear more of this crap.
This is starting to make more sense. Understanding the brain of someone on the autism spectrum is much easier than understand the "normal" brain.
Wait! Why is everyone laughing when Dr. Wahlberg gives example of how kids on the spectrum think? This is the first time his explanation of thinking has made any sense. It feels like these people are laughing at me.
SHIT! FUCK! This conference isn't for me ... it's about me! Oh hell! Now what?? How am I supposed to get anything out of this? EGADS!
I spent most of that second session fretting over the epiphany that this conference wasn't really going to help me. In fact, it had just made it even more clear why I have such a high level of frustration when it comes to dealing with the school. Of course they cannot see the logic behind my thinking. Of course they don't see why what they are doing is wrong. THEY DON'T THINK LIKE ME!!
I have very little recollection of anything said in that second session. I was fretting over the fact that the reason I understand what Cam needs is because I need those same things. My thoughts started hyper-focusing on how I was ever going to be successful at advocating for Cam when everyone around me thought we were both nuts.
Before I realized it 90 minutes had passed and I had heard NOTHING except the thoughts in my own head.
"Boxed lunches are out the door and to your right."
"Please fill out your name tag and wear it the rest of the day."
"There are tables set up in the lunchroom for you to sit at."
Ummmm ... no! Let me sit in the auditorium until it clears out. I'll get a lunch when there isn't any line. I will not wear a name tag. That's just stupid. No one cares what my name is anyway and they don't really want to talk to me. I will not sit in that noisy room with all of those strangers talking about stuff I really have no interest in.
I waited in the empty auditorium for about 5 minutes, reading the handouts and looking at the copy of Finding the Gray, hoping no one would bother me. It worked. Went out and picked up a boxed lunch and found a quiet corner to sit in. Ahhh ... reprieve from the craziness. One more session to get through.
I did get through that last session and made it home relatively unscathed, armed with the knowledge that most people don't think like I do.
... and I don't like that one bit!
~*~*~
16 comments:
We all think differently in some ways, so that should not disturb you.
I also get those feelings in seminars and hate to get cozied up to by strangers when i am there for one purpose and that is to learn.
hopefully some of the material will make more sense to you and you will get something out of this conference - even after it is over.
But one good thing came out of it...you went!
I know. :)
I'm thrilled most people don't think like I do. Most people are idiots.
I've actually never really spent much time wondering if people think like I do. It's not something that bothers me.
Which makes my thinking different from yours. ;-)
Vinny "Bond" Marini, there is a difference between thinking differently and having people LAUGH at the way you think because it is so entirely different than the way you think. I understand we are not all the same, but being slapped up along side the head with just how different the gap is causes me a great deal of discomfort.
Mike, I'm sure you do Mike ... I'm sure you do!
Knight, ahhh, but when it becomes a hindrance to successfully navigating simple tasks, it's an entirely different ball game.
Jay, I haven't either, until it became clear I was an oddity.
So long as you know how to deal with your thoughts and make your life productive and valuable, there is no issue in being different.
If you are talking about any of the simple tasks you listed in this blog I would have to admit you don't think any differently than me. All I got out of it was a reminder of how much I hate attending crap like that for the exact same reasons.
It bothers me when we have talks about the different generations and everyone laughs about and talks about how much my generation sucks. It's like, I'm right here! How dare you laugh!
This was very interesting to read. I very much dislike when people try to adopt me as a project just because I'm sitting alone. It's on purpose, not because I want to chat but am too shy! Yuck.
Dana, I recognized so much of myself in your description. The social anxiety and extreme self-consciousness, especially. Lemme ask you a question: Throughout your life do you feel that people's assessments of your behavior and/or your personality or character have gone to extremes -- you're either awesome, incredible, stupendous, or evil, rotten, totally irredeemable? Never just typical or normal or average in any way? I've only just figured that out about my life. My memory of the way people have described me is very vivid, and it always seems to paint me as larger-than-life. Too often, the same people who started out with the former view of me changed it to the latter. Has this been true for you? Just curious.
Oh my god, I love you.
You totally should have told the presenter what you were thinking. He'd have loved you too. :)
you are funny. I learned a long time ago that the reason I didn't see anything wrong with my son, is that my brain works exactly like his. So I couldn't figure out why the schools didn't get him because I understood him completely. ephiphany when I had him tested.
Karen, some days I am better at that than others. My fear is trying to teach those skills that I don't have!
Knight, sometimes the anxiety overtakes me and I cannot function. It requires a fight or flight response. It was all that I could do to remain seated in that auditorium for the full day.
Maggie, I've learned that sitting at a table - alone - seems to be an invitation to become a "project" I just DON'T do it!
Volly, most definitely! People either love me or hate me, and all too often start with the former only to end with the latter. Relationships are my most challenging task in life, whether they be work relationships, family relationships or romantic relationships. I pretty much suck across the board.
Gina, I actually have his email address and have considered sending him a link to this post. We'll see. I get stuck in that "Why would he care how I think?" mode which keeps me from doing just that.
dlk24, yeah ... I think the realization that I was never going to be able to explain this "simple" concept to the schools was one of my biggest issues with this conference.
You should have taken your lunch and gone home, skipping the last session. Hee...I want to say more, but shall yield my time. Cheers Dana!!
This also reminds me of a song I often sing "Killing Me Softly". For me, it describes something I often feel and I think it sounds like what you described when you felt the speaker was implying you don't think like everyone else. See, there are lots of us out there. My anxiety kicks up my hyperhydrosis so not only am I hiding but I'm leaving a sweaty palm trail.
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