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October is traditionally a very pink month. Breast cancer awareness takes center stage and it's easy to overlook that October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 10 men, will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.
I am one of the 25% of women who have experienced domestic violence in my lifetime.
It was this time last year that I came to accept that I had put myself - and my son - in an abusive relationship (you can read the longer story [HERE]).
I wanted to think that it wasn't a pattern. I wanted to think I was just a bad person and deserved exactly what I was getting. I wanted to think that if I just tried harder I would be worthy of love. I wanted to think that somehow this was under my control - that I could fix it - that I could be lovable.
Thinking that way was easier than believing someone who claimed to love me would hurt me with such methodical intent ... again ...
The first time it happened it was my father, a functional alcoholic, working in construction to support my mom and me by day, and turning into a violent drunk at night.
No one and nothing was spared. Holes were punched in walls. The dog was kicked and beaten. My mom was hit. Objects were thrown randomly and with great force. Furniture was broken. A loaded shotgun was held to my head.
I was usually spared his physical violence, but not his words ...
I was told I was fat, lazy, worthless - that I was an embarrassment to my father and to my family. I was grounded for bringing home an A- on a straight A report card because I wasn't working up to my potential. I wanted nothing more than to be good enough to be loved but was constantly reminded that I didn't deserve the love I so craved.
When my mother had no one else she could lash out at, she took her turn too. In public, and from the time I was 9, I had to call her by her first name so that people wouldn't know the fat, ugly girl was her daughter. She used to tell me if I'd just lose weight - if I'd just do better in school - if I'd just [fill in the blank] better, my dad would stop drinking and our family would be happy.
I still wrestle with the bouts of insomnia that have plagued me since childhood. Nothing says interrupted sleep quite like forcing yourself to stay awake until midnight to make sure your father makes it home alive from the bar, and then pretending to sleep through that same man tearing down your house around you.
Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t know ethnicity, income level, religion or gender.
I do believe my mother did everything she knew how to do to keep me safe. It was a different time. Women were not easily able to support themselves. Divorce was relatively unheard of. She tried desperately to fix my father.
It never worked. It never does. Loving someone isn’t enough to stop their violence.
My life was one woven with lie after lie. Smiling family photos, mirrors and a large plaque with the words of Desiderata covered holes punched into walls. Broken furniture was hidden in the garage and taken to the dump under a tarp. Both my mother and I became very adept at putting the house back together each morning. Day after day I was forced to act like we had a normal, happy family. The price I would pay if I let something slip was steep.
I'm not sharing this story because I want sympathy. I don't deserve sympathy. I put my son in much the same place that my mom put me. I shoulder a great deal of guilt for those years and the struggles he now faces because of my choice to do so.
It's been 40+ years since my first memories of my drunken, violent father, yet I still don't believe I deserve better. Logically, I know I do, but I don't believe it in my heart. I don't know that I ever will.
Some of you give me far too much credit. I didn't get myself out of an abusive relationship last year, I got my son out because I know, and believe, that he deserves better.
I hope he believes that too.
October is traditionally a very pink month. Breast cancer awareness takes center stage and it's easy to overlook that October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month.According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 4 women, and 1 in 10 men, will experience domestic violence in their lifetime.
I am one of the 25% of women who have experienced domestic violence in my lifetime.
It was this time last year that I came to accept that I had put myself - and my son - in an abusive relationship (you can read the longer story [HERE]).
I wanted to think that it wasn't a pattern. I wanted to think I was just a bad person and deserved exactly what I was getting. I wanted to think that if I just tried harder I would be worthy of love. I wanted to think that somehow this was under my control - that I could fix it - that I could be lovable.
Thinking that way was easier than believing someone who claimed to love me would hurt me with such methodical intent ... again ...
The first time it happened it was my father, a functional alcoholic, working in construction to support my mom and me by day, and turning into a violent drunk at night.
No one and nothing was spared. Holes were punched in walls. The dog was kicked and beaten. My mom was hit. Objects were thrown randomly and with great force. Furniture was broken. A loaded shotgun was held to my head.
I was usually spared his physical violence, but not his words ...
I was told I was fat, lazy, worthless - that I was an embarrassment to my father and to my family. I was grounded for bringing home an A- on a straight A report card because I wasn't working up to my potential. I wanted nothing more than to be good enough to be loved but was constantly reminded that I didn't deserve the love I so craved.
When my mother had no one else she could lash out at, she took her turn too. In public, and from the time I was 9, I had to call her by her first name so that people wouldn't know the fat, ugly girl was her daughter. She used to tell me if I'd just lose weight - if I'd just do better in school - if I'd just [fill in the blank] better, my dad would stop drinking and our family would be happy.
I still wrestle with the bouts of insomnia that have plagued me since childhood. Nothing says interrupted sleep quite like forcing yourself to stay awake until midnight to make sure your father makes it home alive from the bar, and then pretending to sleep through that same man tearing down your house around you.
Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t know ethnicity, income level, religion or gender.
I do believe my mother did everything she knew how to do to keep me safe. It was a different time. Women were not easily able to support themselves. Divorce was relatively unheard of. She tried desperately to fix my father.
It never worked. It never does. Loving someone isn’t enough to stop their violence.
My life was one woven with lie after lie. Smiling family photos, mirrors and a large plaque with the words of Desiderata covered holes punched into walls. Broken furniture was hidden in the garage and taken to the dump under a tarp. Both my mother and I became very adept at putting the house back together each morning. Day after day I was forced to act like we had a normal, happy family. The price I would pay if I let something slip was steep.
I'm not sharing this story because I want sympathy. I don't deserve sympathy. I put my son in much the same place that my mom put me. I shoulder a great deal of guilt for those years and the struggles he now faces because of my choice to do so.
It's been 40+ years since my first memories of my drunken, violent father, yet I still don't believe I deserve better. Logically, I know I do, but I don't believe it in my heart. I don't know that I ever will.
Some of you give me far too much credit. I didn't get myself out of an abusive relationship last year, I got my son out because I know, and believe, that he deserves better.
I hope he believes that too.
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21 comments:
God bless you.
It is indeed a sad thing to see happening or be in. And that's all I have to say about that. Cheers Dana!!
Yep! It is a sad thing to see or be in. Thanks for sharing.
Domestic violence is unnacceptable.
You still deserve the credit for getting out no matter who you did it for.
Sometimes it scares me just how similar are stories are. *Hugs* The worst part is that a part of you will always believe the lies and abusive words are the real truth. I struggle with that all the time.
*ahem* Our, not are.
Thanks for sharing this. I will have to email you later, because I cannot share my uncomfortable story - it's not mine to share, it's the Evil Twin's story and I cannot betray him with his story.
Al Anon can help. Search out an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) group.
@bikinfool I have heard so much about this group recently. I have several friends who firmly believe just showing up at a couple meetings has helped them turn around their lives.
It's really amazing how incredibly hard it really is to get out of an abusive relationship. And most people would be shocked to hear how many people live in abusive relationships but never say a word about it.
we're doomed, I'll be fine - God bless Cam!
Matt-Man, and I know you've experienced both.
Baseball Mom, there are too many people who know these feelings - far too many.
Doc, it may be unacceptable,but there sure are a lot of people who find themselves in the midst of it.
Knight, I don't know ... in this case I think it *does* matter who I did it for, or I'm likely to go back again when my "excuse" is out on his own.
boo, I've gotten used to sharing life with you - we do it so frequently *hugs*
Having learned that way of life so early, there is no surprise that you fell in to the pattern as an adult. You should be proud for cracking pattern - and preventing Cam from being exposed to that life style.
Evil Twin's Wife, I don't know what the story is, but for the record, I believe physical abuse*of* men is highly under-reported. There is such a stigma there ...
bikinfool, I am just so *NOT* a self-help group attendee, but I have heard wonderful things about ACOA as well. Maybe I should rethink my position on that.
Jay, I always cringe when I hear, "Well, just leave!" Although true - we always have the choice to stay or leave - sometimes the price for leaving is beyond what anyone who's never been in it can imagine.
I have personally (real life...you and I have still not met) known a few women in bad (abusive) relationships and they struggle to get out. A couple did...a couple still live in silence and fear...
Whether you did it for you or for Cam...you did it and I truly believe you did it for BOTH of you...
No matter the circumstances of getting out of the situation, at least you had the drive to do it. Most failed attempts end up in death, as your research should also show as well. So, for both you and Cam, all I can say is that at least you're here, alive and kicking, and able to relate these stories so that maybe someone somewhere else can take steps to get themselves out of it as well.
Best wishes Dana.
I read the Desiderata. There's one thing I would change.
"Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be."
to
'Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive God to be.'
I'm not going to say "I know how you feel". I was abused as well, but I had no father. My mother was extremely mentally ill and she drank. Her boyfriend was an alcoholic. Some of the many things I remember;
1) He killed a nurse while drinking and driving. The car he used sat in our front yard for months. The windshield was broke and their was blood all over the front of that car.
2) My mother loved pulling me around by my hair. I still can NOT stand for anyone to touch my hair, or my head.
3) My mother hated me. She told me any chance she got, among other things.
I, too, still struggle with thinking I'm anywhere near good enough for any one, ever, at all.
Like you, I am 1 in 4. You've inspired me to write my own post. I did one a long time ago, but it's time to write another.
Once again, a great post! Thanks for sharing this Dana. It also amazes me the people who are in relationships like these that seek them out.
You had the wisdom to understand what is at stake. There are others because of denial or many other reasons, don't have this wisdom and stay....
This baffles me to no end....
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