I Don't Suck

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Some of you have already heard this via twitter and tumblr, but ...

It's my blog and this is one of the coolest things that has happened to me this past year. I'm proud, and not likely for the reason you think, but we'll get to that little tidbit in a second ...

One of the photos that I took while participating in the August 7th, Global Particle Physics Photowalk (which I wrote about briefly at the end of [THIS] post), and that I submitted for the local/global photo competition, was one of 15 honorable mentions awarded by the Fermilab photowalk judges.

My photo, the 14 others receiving honorable mentions, and the 3 Fermilab winners will be featured in a gallery showing at Fermilab in February and March.

*EDIT* For those of you who asked, I have no idea what this is! It was two sheets of metal with these glass thingies that carried light to the top sheet of metal. People were taking photos of the top of it but I thought the side was far more interesting.

So, why am I proud? Well, yeah ... I think it's pretty awesome that, out of 750+ photos submitted at the local level, the judges thought mine was one of the top 18, but better than that?

I came oh-so-close to backing out of this opportunity at the last minute. It was full of things that can (and often do) trigger debilitating anxiety - like running away, screaming and crying, then hiding under a table in the fetal position for 3 hours kind of anxiety. I didn't know if I was going to be able to make it into the building, let alone actually be able to take pictures.

Add to that my embarrassment of walking into a photo shoot where I knew I would be the only "photographer" who was proudly sporting a point-and-shoot camera (and I was), I had no doubt this was little more than a grandiose failure in the making.

That feeling of impending doom was magnified when we sat down for our orientation and it became clear there were only two seating sections - "Team Nikon" and "Team Canon" - and I was carrying a Sony Cyber-shot. But still, I trudged on, scoping out the locations of all tables in case I needed to crawl under one at the last minute.

We got on a bus and headed to our first location. I took my photos. I stood outside - alone - for 15 minutes afterward to recharge. I got back on the bus and headed to the next location. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Four more times. I was emotionally exhausted when I got back into my car to head home 6 hours later.

I downloaded my photos and decided there was no way I was going to submit anything and embarrass myself even further, but then I remembered that I didn't have to see any of the judges. It's not like I'd know that they laughed, mocked and belittled me. If I could figure out how to upload the photos to the server, I'd at least make them sift through 15 more photos (each participant was limited to submitting 15 photos).

A couple of weeks ago, Interactions.org announced the 3 finalists from Fermilab, along with the 3 finalists from DESY, TRIUMF, CERN (all in Switzerland) and KEK (in Japan). Those 15 photos would be competing for the global awards.

I was not one of them, which is a good thing 'cause I'd have likely had an immediate coronary, and my will is not up to date.

Yesterday, when Interactions.org announced the global and peoples choice winners, they also included a flicker link to the top photographs from each of the local competitions.

Wanting to grasp all opportunities to learn more about photography, I clicked on the link to see what winning photos looked like - what the judges were looking for. To say I was a little surprised to see my photo there would be quite the understatement.

Guess what? I don't suck! Well, I didn't suck that day, although had I thought it would have helped me in the competition, I might have. KIDDING!

I may come across as strong and confident on this blog, but I doubt myself, my abilities, and my dreams - multiple times - every single day. That often leads to my giving up before I ever start. I was very close to that point on August 7th.

It looks like trying, even when you are certain you will fail, is sometimes rewarding!

Who knew?

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