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Quick little blurb before I get started. Beginning Tomorrow, and every Tuesday until she takes my privileges away, I will be posting over at Real Live Lesbian. Lynn, likely in a Sunday morning haze, offered me a weekly gig . Not to worry - no ego growth here! Lynn recently started a new job and is running a little short on blogging time. The gig gives me an opportunity to write to a different audience and will hopefully introduce you guys to some new blogs/bloggers that you might have missed.
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Dreams. I don't care what parents say, they all have them for their child(ren). Sure, you'll hear a lot of, "I don't care what he does or who he loves, I just want him to be happy," but guess what? They're lying ...
Here's the deal. As parents, we do want our children to be happy, but we want them to be happy by our standards. What I mean when I say "I don't care what he does or who he loves, I just want him to be happy," is really, "I don't care what Cam does (when he finishes his bachelor's degree) or who he loves (that will always treat him with dignity and respect), I just want him to be happy (meeting my personal and professional expectations)."
With this latest round of neuropsych testing, and some great discussions with a couple of people that I served with at the food bank (a husband/wife team - husband is the principal at the county juvenile detention center - wife works in administration for a technical trade school) I realized that it was time for me to come to terms with the idea that Cam might not follow a "traditional" educational path.
Don't get me wrong, I expect him to do his best in whatever path he follows, but I had a moment this weekend where I realized that his best might not (and should not) equate to my best.
I think as parents we all want our kids to do better than we did. In my case that means I want Cam to go to college after he completes high school rather than "wasting" his life, waiting until he is 42 to complete a college degree (like I did).
But what if that is not Cam's dream? What if Cam just isn't ready to make the transition to college out of high school? Is it right for me to bombard him with my expectations, thus setting him up for failure?
Yes, Cam needs nurturing and direction. But I think, more than that, Cam needs to see there are choices. My job as a parent is to insure he has the skills to make good choices (the best ones for him), and the skills to recover from the bad choices he will inevitably make.
It's difficult to let go of those parental dreams - to come to terms with the fact that a child might not do what you think is best for them but rather what they think is best for themselves - and to then truly support their dreams.
Damn teenagers ...
Dreams. I don't care what parents say, they all have them for their child(ren). Sure, you'll hear a lot of, "I don't care what he does or who he loves, I just want him to be happy," but guess what? They're lying ...Here's the deal. As parents, we do want our children to be happy, but we want them to be happy by our standards. What I mean when I say "I don't care what he does or who he loves, I just want him to be happy," is really, "I don't care what Cam does (when he finishes his bachelor's degree) or who he loves (that will always treat him with dignity and respect), I just want him to be happy (meeting my personal and professional expectations)."
With this latest round of neuropsych testing, and some great discussions with a couple of people that I served with at the food bank (a husband/wife team - husband is the principal at the county juvenile detention center - wife works in administration for a technical trade school) I realized that it was time for me to come to terms with the idea that Cam might not follow a "traditional" educational path.
Don't get me wrong, I expect him to do his best in whatever path he follows, but I had a moment this weekend where I realized that his best might not (and should not) equate to my best.
I think as parents we all want our kids to do better than we did. In my case that means I want Cam to go to college after he completes high school rather than "wasting" his life, waiting until he is 42 to complete a college degree (like I did).
But what if that is not Cam's dream? What if Cam just isn't ready to make the transition to college out of high school? Is it right for me to bombard him with my expectations, thus setting him up for failure?
Yes, Cam needs nurturing and direction. But I think, more than that, Cam needs to see there are choices. My job as a parent is to insure he has the skills to make good choices (the best ones for him), and the skills to recover from the bad choices he will inevitably make.
It's difficult to let go of those parental dreams - to come to terms with the fact that a child might not do what you think is best for them but rather what they think is best for themselves - and to then truly support their dreams.
Damn teenagers ...
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6 comments:
Sometimes what we want isn't what they want. And what we value isn't what they value. And success and failure are both subjective.
Is there a sense of disappointment that Cam can't/won't live up to your dreams for him? I know there shouldn't be as long as he is happy, but I think it would be only natural that there would be. I guess it is just an adjustment of your vision of the future. You are going through so many tough things these days, Dana. Your strength is amazing.
Jay, I agree Jay, it's just hard to switch one's attitude from this is what I hope for to this is what I need to support ... and it isn't what I hoped for!
Karen, there is a HUGE sense of disappointment, especially knowing how intelligent he is and accepting that he might not use that intelligence in the way I think is best. At the same time, I don't want to quash his dreams with my personal expectations. It's been a difficult reality to face.
My parents just made it clear that we went to college or went our own way. I chose college. LOL.
What a perfect example I am of this theory! I didn't. I tried, but it just wouldn't take.
Still, I turned out happy to be me.
I think it's the same way with friends and any relationship. No matter what you want for someone, you get to love them for who they are, not what they do.
I am so excited to have you over at my place on Tuesdays! And you totally bought into my "poor pitiful, busy me" thing! lol Thanks for that!
As long as he continues to grow as a person I don't think the particular path is the crucial thing. Cheers Dana!!
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