~*~*~
I've been in the midst of a disturbance on the internets. It's kind of like being a 747 at Heathrow Airport - an ash cloud overhead, grounding me from my normal flight pattern.
Now, I've been caught up in these before, but never with someone who touched so many corners of my cyberworld. When it has happened in the past, it was easy enough to just stop visiting a blog ... and that was the end of that. But this one? This one is much, much different.
This one touches Twitter, Facebook, the majority of blogs I read and a few other of my cyber haunts. It reaches outside of the cyber barrier. It hurts my heart. Yes, it bothers me, and it bothers me a great deal.
I am used to ruffling feathers. Although sometimes intentional (Hey! I'm not going to lie!), it is most often done without malice ... as was the case this time.
What's odd about this was that I was never angry or upset. I was frustrated that I couldn't seem to explain my side of things in a way that was beneficial to the relationship, and I was hurt when my apology went unrecognized, wondering how those words were interpreted. Did I say something wrong again, or am I just not worth the effort. But angry? Upset? Not ever even a little bit.
I feel guilty every time I comment or show up somewhere that I know this person visits wondering if my actions will be interpreted as something other than what they are - me trying to keep in touch with a friend who just happens to be a friend to us both.
I edit myself. I shy away from situations where I feel my presence might be misinterpreted or unwelcome. I try to make sure I don't put myself in a predicament where someone has to choose between the two of us because I'll feel horrible when I'm not the one chosen.
And I often wonder if this was the point all along. Maybe the intent was for me to take it personally - a very successful plan to make sure I felt just as bad as this person did when they felt wronged. Or maybe I just never mattered as much as I thought I did. Maybe they were just being nice out of some sense of obligation or good manners and I fell for it. Or maybe ...
Maybe I've missed the point entirely. I just don't know. And maybe I'll never know.
So readers, here is the dilemma. What do you do when this happens? I mean, this might as well have been my neighbor down the street as so much of our cyber worlds collide.
I don't want this to be a "they should know you better" comment fest either. You are hearing only one side of the story (and not even very much of that) and if I know anything about the other side of this story, it's that I probably know nothing about the other side of the story.
What would you do. Would you just stop visiting places you both frequent? Would you edit yourself on social media? Is there some sort of "They were here first" or "They were friends first" cyberworld protocol? How would you handle the continuous, daily, unresolved (at least for me - the other person may very well have resolution) conflict with respect and grace?
~*~*~
I've been in the midst of a disturbance on the internets. It's kind of like being a 747 at Heathrow Airport - an ash cloud overhead, grounding me from my normal flight pattern.Now, I've been caught up in these before, but never with someone who touched so many corners of my cyberworld. When it has happened in the past, it was easy enough to just stop visiting a blog ... and that was the end of that. But this one? This one is much, much different.
This one touches Twitter, Facebook, the majority of blogs I read and a few other of my cyber haunts. It reaches outside of the cyber barrier. It hurts my heart. Yes, it bothers me, and it bothers me a great deal.
I am used to ruffling feathers. Although sometimes intentional (Hey! I'm not going to lie!), it is most often done without malice ... as was the case this time.
What's odd about this was that I was never angry or upset. I was frustrated that I couldn't seem to explain my side of things in a way that was beneficial to the relationship, and I was hurt when my apology went unrecognized, wondering how those words were interpreted. Did I say something wrong again, or am I just not worth the effort. But angry? Upset? Not ever even a little bit.
I feel guilty every time I comment or show up somewhere that I know this person visits wondering if my actions will be interpreted as something other than what they are - me trying to keep in touch with a friend who just happens to be a friend to us both.
I edit myself. I shy away from situations where I feel my presence might be misinterpreted or unwelcome. I try to make sure I don't put myself in a predicament where someone has to choose between the two of us because I'll feel horrible when I'm not the one chosen.
And I often wonder if this was the point all along. Maybe the intent was for me to take it personally - a very successful plan to make sure I felt just as bad as this person did when they felt wronged. Or maybe I just never mattered as much as I thought I did. Maybe they were just being nice out of some sense of obligation or good manners and I fell for it. Or maybe ...
Maybe I've missed the point entirely. I just don't know. And maybe I'll never know.
So readers, here is the dilemma. What do you do when this happens? I mean, this might as well have been my neighbor down the street as so much of our cyber worlds collide.
I don't want this to be a "they should know you better" comment fest either. You are hearing only one side of the story (and not even very much of that) and if I know anything about the other side of this story, it's that I probably know nothing about the other side of the story.
What would you do. Would you just stop visiting places you both frequent? Would you edit yourself on social media? Is there some sort of "They were here first" or "They were friends first" cyberworld protocol? How would you handle the continuous, daily, unresolved (at least for me - the other person may very well have resolution) conflict with respect and grace?
12 comments:
Ok, this post just woke my nosy side up... I wanna know!!!
Doc, nope! In all honesty, I don't think there has been any "trash talk" on either side of this "disturbance" and I am very grateful for, and respectful of, that.
Ugh...If there was a blog I enjoy reading, I would never stop reading it or commenting simply because there was another visitor that I had some type of blow up or conflict with.
I know people who adhere to the "We were friends first" mentality, and c'mon, you know in your heart that that is pretty damn childish on their part.
Lastly...If you begin to edit yourself in a social media or anywhere else, you are not beiong true to yourself.
Okay, I do edit myself once in awhile on Twitter and my blog, but that's only when I supress a comment on how much I want to have sex with someone and may get cyber slapped by some chick with whom I want to get naked.
Good Luck and Cheers dana!!
Matt-Man pretty much said it all. Scary, huh? ;)
Seriously, friendships are a rare commodity. I'm talking about real friendships. And yes, I do believe that you can have real friendships in the cyber-world.
Don't edit yourself and don't stop visitng places you both frequent UNLESS it's someplace that YOU no longer want to be. And if anyone ever throws out the whole "they were here/friends first" thing, they never really WERE friends.
To quote Dennis Miller: "Of course, that's just my opinion...I may be wrong."
I want to know too. I have no idea what you are talking about, but think it might help if I did.
But based on what you have said here - my gut says we are not in middle school. We are all adults and we can co-exist and have mutual friends and comment on mutual blogs without any issue.
Sounds like you're tried to communicate with this other person and explain your side of the story to the extent of an unrequited apology.
I also wouldn't bother changing ANY of my on-line habits or haunts over this. It the other person is uncomfortable with the situation, let them tell you about it, or let them make the changes. It really sounds like you're made as much effort as you need.
How often do we think we've grievously offended someone and gotten all angsty over it, then finally asked the other person about the situation and they reply "Oh, that? It never occurred to me to be offended."
I have had this happen recently...Not sure anyone noticed, but I was asked to no longer visit a blog of someone I had a long relationship with and I did.
We are on the same blogs all the time..I see retweets from this person on twitter...they no longer visit my blog nor do they come to Music On the Couch.
Did it hurt - sure in the beginning...but I truly felt like I did not do anything wrong...I was playing...I also apologized...they decided I was not worth their friendship...my ship moves on and so does theirs...we pass, but we never signal each other.
Oh well
I think my brain is a little fried this afternoon, because I'm not entirely grasping the context of the situation. However, I'm going to comment anyway. Hooray!
I think the simplest solution would be to go to the person directly and express your fears/reservations. See what they would prefer--or if they even care. If you're worried about them choosing someone else over you, convey that that's not how you want it to be perceived.
I'll bring up an example--when I was still blogging, I was very touchy about commenting on other blogs that didn't have similar content or where the writers might not approve of my lifestyle (even though I liked reading them). The easiest way to stop worrying about it was to contact a blog author (in my example...you :) directly and ask if they were offended by my desire to comment/read.
I visit/comment on blogs where I don't have much in common with the main readers (i.e. I'm conservative, so therefore in the minority), but I try to leave comments that are neutral. It sucks, but I hate conflict.
I don't think I would be concerned with crossing cyber paths with anyone who I might have had a blow up with. They can ignore me and I can ignore them. Whatever. I'm not going to censor myself anymore than I already do.
Karen repeated my thoughts..'cept I was gonna say it sounds so jr high...and might add super co-dependent to be worrying about what some other person might think about your commenting or visting another blog
They call it a "healthy debate" for a reason. I say quit putting so much energy into worrying about it and it will blow over. Keep being you though. A filtered Dana is not Dana at all.
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