~*~*~
It's nothing major.
I haven't had to visit the local food pantry since November.
My rent, utilities and student loan payments are current.
I have a job.
Cam and I are both healthy.
In the grand scheme of things, I have no room to complain. None. I know that, and knowing that evokes waves of guilt.
I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread.
One paycheck. Hell, two unpaid sick days, and it will all collapse. A minor car repair will send me into financial crisis. Summer camp registration is looming and resources are slim.
I am tired. Tired of living life this way - the threat of ONE.MORE.THING crumbling the house of cards. The anxiety - the constant worry - I'm not as good at hiding it as I once was.
Cam said to me the other night, "Mom, you always think of the absolute worst outcome, even when there is no probability it will happen!" He's right. I do.
I do this because I've convinced myself that somehow, if I can just predict the worse possible outcome, and then it should happen, it won't catch me off guard. I'll be able to handle it because the element of surprise will be eliminated.
If it doesn't happen? Well? Then I'll be pleasantly surprised and even if the outcome is undesirable, it won't be as bad as it could have been. Viola! It's a win either way.
Of course, spending all of this time "preparing" myself for Cam's cab to crash on the way to school, for my employer to fire me for one too many mistakes, for a direct deposit not to hit my account on time ... all of this "preparing"? It keeps my brain from doing what it needs to do. I am constantly distracted - when driving, when working, when walking through the grocery store.
"Just stop it" doesn't work. I cannot (if you prefer, will not, since everything is under my control, right?) just stop. Trying to stop gets me right back to that place that evokes those waves of guilt.
I should be strong.
I should be grateful.
I shouldn't worry.
I think I'm ready to admit that maybe this is bigger than me and the fifth of vodka that has become my constant companion.
It's nothing major.I haven't had to visit the local food pantry since November.
My rent, utilities and student loan payments are current.
I have a job.
Cam and I are both healthy.
In the grand scheme of things, I have no room to complain. None. I know that, and knowing that evokes waves of guilt.
I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread.
One paycheck. Hell, two unpaid sick days, and it will all collapse. A minor car repair will send me into financial crisis. Summer camp registration is looming and resources are slim.
I am tired. Tired of living life this way - the threat of ONE.MORE.THING crumbling the house of cards. The anxiety - the constant worry - I'm not as good at hiding it as I once was.
Cam said to me the other night, "Mom, you always think of the absolute worst outcome, even when there is no probability it will happen!" He's right. I do.
I do this because I've convinced myself that somehow, if I can just predict the worse possible outcome, and then it should happen, it won't catch me off guard. I'll be able to handle it because the element of surprise will be eliminated.
If it doesn't happen? Well? Then I'll be pleasantly surprised and even if the outcome is undesirable, it won't be as bad as it could have been. Viola! It's a win either way.
Of course, spending all of this time "preparing" myself for Cam's cab to crash on the way to school, for my employer to fire me for one too many mistakes, for a direct deposit not to hit my account on time ... all of this "preparing"? It keeps my brain from doing what it needs to do. I am constantly distracted - when driving, when working, when walking through the grocery store.
"Just stop it" doesn't work. I cannot (if you prefer, will not, since everything is under my control, right?) just stop. Trying to stop gets me right back to that place that evokes those waves of guilt.
I should be strong.
I should be grateful.
I shouldn't worry.
I think I'm ready to admit that maybe this is bigger than me and the fifth of vodka that has become my constant companion.
~*~*~
12 comments:
Man, I could have written this. With my alimony and other debts, I am constantly worried about what ifs....like when I had a car problem a few weeks ago...had to borrow from a family member to get it repaired...so now I owe THEM
You sound kinda like my Hubs. He takes something to help slow the constant "turning of the wheels", it must help a little 'cause he can tell when he's forgotten to take it. Take it from someone else who lives with a dooms dayer, LIGHTEN UP WILL YA.
*kisses*
Life is bigger than all of us. We can only control what we can and make the best of the rest. Cheers Dana!!
This post is beautiful and speaks to my heart. Meds have helped me slow my brain down enough to think more rationally. I wish you strength!
Vinny "Bond" Marini, this is one time when I kind of wish no one knew what I was talking about ...
Lu', I'm sure those would be Cam's sentiments exactly!
Matt-Man, See? I should just be able to make this all good! Obviously, I'm flawed.
Anna, I am telling myself I will talk to a Dr about this. I think it's time.
"Mom, you always think of the absolute worst outcome, even when there is no probability it will happen!"
Well, as mom, that is your job. ;-)
I think it's difficult not to let all the negative stuff overwhelm us sometimes. I know some people who just completely ignore all the possible disasters and when they happen they have get caught off guard.
There has to be a happy medium there somewhere.
The element of surprise will never go away as you can't prepare for all possible outcomes. You just gotta' go with the flow.
Would it help you to know you are not alone in this?
Sounds like you need a few Xanax. Constant worrying doesn't allow a person to enjoy life.
I like to call that particular subject of worry "Being Prepared" maybe because I have always been in the same situation and I know how close that line is at all times. So I'm probably not the best one to offer comfort but cut it out and don't worry yourself sick!
I am a stresser, my husband is not. He also does not handle the finances...sigh.
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