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I've been waging an internal war for about the last year. You've seen glimpses of it here - moments when I seem to be in the throws of a major pity party - times when I just don't quite keep up with the blog, my commitments to others, life in general.
Usually I put on the happy face and move forward. I'm pretty good at stuffing emotions ... I've got 45 years experience. What once was a survival tool (growing up in an alcoholic home, you learn quickly that being invisible is the best place to be) became the only way I know to deal with emotions.
I'm quite good at diverting attention when needed too - talking about something, ANYTHING, other than what's going on in my life. I can keep the inner turmoil at bay for months and even years without allowing most people to see the struggle. I'm smart enough to know what people expect to hear from a healthy, well-adjusted person and I make sure they hear every one of those things.
Recently, I've gotten to the point where putting on a happy face takes far more effort and energy than I have. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to shake the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. I've tried just about every diversion I can find - from church to Twitter - hoping to find some way to connect to life again. They all last a while, and then fade just as quickly.
I'm starting to have a difficult time justifying why I'm NOT addressing this - why I DON'T need to talk to a doctor. I think I'm ready to admit that I've failed yet again, that this is bigger than I am, that I am too weak to just "get over it," because I'm starting to fear what will happen if I don't.
I've been waging an internal war for about the last year. You've seen glimpses of it here - moments when I seem to be in the throws of a major pity party - times when I just don't quite keep up with the blog, my commitments to others, life in general.Usually I put on the happy face and move forward. I'm pretty good at stuffing emotions ... I've got 45 years experience. What once was a survival tool (growing up in an alcoholic home, you learn quickly that being invisible is the best place to be) became the only way I know to deal with emotions.
I'm quite good at diverting attention when needed too - talking about something, ANYTHING, other than what's going on in my life. I can keep the inner turmoil at bay for months and even years without allowing most people to see the struggle. I'm smart enough to know what people expect to hear from a healthy, well-adjusted person and I make sure they hear every one of those things.
Recently, I've gotten to the point where putting on a happy face takes far more effort and energy than I have. No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to shake the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. I've tried just about every diversion I can find - from church to Twitter - hoping to find some way to connect to life again. They all last a while, and then fade just as quickly.
I'm starting to have a difficult time justifying why I'm NOT addressing this - why I DON'T need to talk to a doctor. I think I'm ready to admit that I've failed yet again, that this is bigger than I am, that I am too weak to just "get over it," because I'm starting to fear what will happen if I don't.
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