~*~*~
Relationships.
I suck at them.
It doesn't matter if they are friendships, romantic relationships or relationships with family, if they involve me, I disappoint.
It's not that I don't care. I do. I would like to have more friends. I would like to be able to nurture a loving romantic relationship. I think it would be great if I was actually "close" to my family.
It's not even that I don't know how. I mean, I get the steps. I can follow a relationship flow chart. It just requires so much work.
After receiving several emails from my mom, and one from my dad, I posted this facebook update:
It was meant to be funny. As you can see by the comments, my dad (Jim) didn't take it that way. In fact, after his reply on facebook he sent me the following email:
UGH! OK ... now what? So I send him this email response:
I'm thinking issue resolved. I just won't post any more updates on facebook. I've been trying to keep family updated that way, but either they want more details (Why? It's not like they can fix anything) or they don't get my humor and create more drama.
Then dear old dad sends this email:
Missed my point - entirely - not surprising and not worth trying to explain because it's become abundantly clear to me those efforts usually do little more than make things worse.
Let me use this (awkward and nonsensical) "Tale of Lima" to illustrate the challenges I face in nurturing any type of emotional relationship.
Relationships (generally) are my Lima Beans. I know what I'm supposed to do. I watch (closely) to what other people do in relationships and try (desperately) to emulate them. I can manage to fake the process early on, but over time I tire of trying to do what is "right" but which makes no sense to me.
How many times must I ask someone how they are when I really don't care?
When a co-worker gets a hair cut that looks like crap, why must I say, "That looks really good."
When someone stops in my cubicle to chit-chat, why must I engage in eye contact and pretend that I care what they are saying.
I know it's the right thing to do, but it makes no sense to me.
I love my parents. I care about what happens in their lives. But I am more than OK if I don't talk to them for months at a time. It seems silly (and requires a HUGE amount of effort) for me to engage with them regularly, so I don't. They take that personally.
Typical of my emotional relationships.
I'm not an idiot. I am more than aware that the common factor in all of these relationship failures is me. I am more than aware that the only person who can make this right is me.
I just wish everyone I engage with would have random Lima Beans materialize in their mouths many times a day - every single day - for 46 years.
Maybe then they'd get it ...
I suck at them.
It doesn't matter if they are friendships, romantic relationships or relationships with family, if they involve me, I disappoint.
It's not that I don't care. I do. I would like to have more friends. I would like to be able to nurture a loving romantic relationship. I think it would be great if I was actually "close" to my family.
It's not even that I don't know how. I mean, I get the steps. I can follow a relationship flow chart. It just requires so much work.
After receiving several emails from my mom, and one from my dad, I posted this facebook update:
It was meant to be funny. As you can see by the comments, my dad (Jim) didn't take it that way. In fact, after his reply on facebook he sent me the following email:
UGH! OK ... now what? So I send him this email response:
I'm thinking issue resolved. I just won't post any more updates on facebook. I've been trying to keep family updated that way, but either they want more details (Why? It's not like they can fix anything) or they don't get my humor and create more drama.
Then dear old dad sends this email:
Missed my point - entirely - not surprising and not worth trying to explain because it's become abundantly clear to me those efforts usually do little more than make things worse.
Let me use this (awkward and nonsensical) "Tale of Lima" to illustrate the challenges I face in nurturing any type of emotional relationship.
Once upon a time the world is taken over by residents of Lima, Ohio. Now that the Limans are in charge, Lima Beans randomly, throughout the day, materialize in your mouth.
Each time one does, you must chew it - savor it - with a smile on your face convincing everyone that you love Lima Beans. If you don't? You'll alienate people. They won't like you. You'll be considered rude and elitist, and you will be shunned from the community of Lima.
Now, for some of us, this is GREAT! We love Lima Beans. We look forward to the random materialization of those Lima Beans in our mouths.
But for most? You know what you are supposed to do with the Lima Beans, but it seems silly. It doesn't come naturally for you to find that random Lima Bean in your mouth. The fake enjoyment is manageable early in the day, but as the day goes on and your mouth continues to be assaulted by Lima Beans, you tire of trying to do what you know is "right" but which makes no sense to you.
Seriously? Why must these Lima Beans materialize in you mouth anyway? You aren't hungry. They don't taste good. What is the point?
Relationships (generally) are my Lima Beans. I know what I'm supposed to do. I watch (closely) to what other people do in relationships and try (desperately) to emulate them. I can manage to fake the process early on, but over time I tire of trying to do what is "right" but which makes no sense to me.
How many times must I ask someone how they are when I really don't care?
When a co-worker gets a hair cut that looks like crap, why must I say, "That looks really good."
When someone stops in my cubicle to chit-chat, why must I engage in eye contact and pretend that I care what they are saying.
I know it's the right thing to do, but it makes no sense to me.
I love my parents. I care about what happens in their lives. But I am more than OK if I don't talk to them for months at a time. It seems silly (and requires a HUGE amount of effort) for me to engage with them regularly, so I don't. They take that personally.
Typical of my emotional relationships.
I'm not an idiot. I am more than aware that the common factor in all of these relationship failures is me. I am more than aware that the only person who can make this right is me.
I just wish everyone I engage with would have random Lima Beans materialize in their mouths many times a day - every single day - for 46 years.
Maybe then they'd get it ...
~*~*~
22 comments:
I don't have any facebook drama. I should start some.
Engaging in small talk isn't necessary, you really don't have to say "How are you?" all the tim.
The person with the haircut you can tell her that change is good...even if the haircut sucks.
And the chatty coworker problem is just about universal.
I'm significantly selective who I form even the most superficial relationships with. There are consequences to that which I understand and accept.
Parents fall into a different category. (especially at "our" age) Unless there is a serious reason to be distant maybe this is one line of communication you could throw more effort towards.
I thought the Facebook exchange was funny...obviously misinterpreted due to preexisting feelings.
How would you feel in your Dad's place. Would it be cool with you if in a few years you didn't hear from Cam for months at a time?
I have no idea what the history is between you and your parents. I do wonder what you think your relationship with Cam will be once he is on his own. Will you be hurt if you have no contact with him for months at a time?
I really can't relate. I speak or email with my parents almost every day. I'll miss it horribly when they are gone.
Curvy Jones, feel free to copy and paste my status update - it seems to do the trick!
katherine, what is interesting is communication "gap" between my parents and I is not a double standard. I'm fine not hearing from them. I figure if they have some significant news (good or bad) to share they will. If they chose not to speak with me for months at a time I don't think it reflects on their love for me. *shrugs*
Now, the Cam issue? Give me a few years and I'll let you know. Something tells me I might understand my parents position a little better then.
You just don't understand each other. It sucks but sometimes that's how it works. I can only wish for you that somehow you will be able to place more people in your life that do understand you and vice versa.
What did we do before social media?
I am your friend...
Actually I speak with mom and dad every Sunday. Some weeks it is an hour long conversation...some (like yesterday) the calls lasts less than 5 minutes ...
But at least they get to hear my voice and know I am breathing. They know about The Couch and dad reads every day (not always a good thing I will admit), but I told them about it long ago and so they have access.
I saw where you were talking about letting them know about this place on twitter.
I have censored in the pas because I know they read...again, not always a good thing.
Finally, I am a friend...
Keep moving forward Dana. You might not know it, but as a long time reader, I have seen a change in you...a change that shows you moving forward and making yourself like yourself better. This is a good thing and can only result in your forming more real friendships and finding a relationship that will be full of love.
Sometimes we can't see it in ourselves...I see it in you.
Susan, I can't pretend to know how this will play out when Cam leaves home, but I will say that I am fairly certain Cam will handle his relationship with me in much the same way I handle mine with my parents.
Knight, actually, I do understand their desire to hear more from me, and I struggle with what I feel is my selfishness in doing things my way and what I see as their selfishness in expecting me to do things their way.
Doc, we used the phone ... well ... some people did - I didn't do that either :)
Vinny "Bond" Marini, I have considered sharing my blog with my parents. That way they would know what is going on, but likely would wish they hadn't. We'll see ...
I talk to my dad, my sister, my brother and my grandma at least once every single day. I see and talk to my close friends a few times a week. Maybe my level of closeness is overkill, but when I love someone, I want to spend time with them and hear from them. Maybe I just like Lima Beans. But I also don't invest in people who don't invest back in me. So if I had a close friend who could go months without speaking to me, he or she wouldn't be my good friend for very long.
I am also pretty good at social graces, but I know that not everyone is. So I don't stop to make small talk with those people who are uncomfortable with it.
I speak to my parents every single day, sometimes several times a day. I communicate with most of my siblings at least once a week in some way. I have friends who go a long period of time without speaking to their parents. Relationships are different. Just because it works for me and feels right does not mean what you are doing is wrong for you. Some of my brothers and sisters only call them a few times a year.
Our son lives 5 minutes away. Sometimes we don't hear from him for weeks. Our daughter is 15 minutes away. We talk to her more often because she calls. That's just the way life works.
So, if I'm reading this right, your parents emailed you and you never responded and then they emailed again (and maybe again) and instead of responding you left that status update on your Facebook?
Actually, I would be a little pissed too. I understand there's a lot there when it comes to your relationship with your parents, but people being non-responsive is one of my pet-peeves and if it's a family member I can see it being even more frustrating. Someone choosing to leave a rather smartass-y public status comment rather than take 30 seconds to reply to an email would definitely piss me off.
Karen, soooo, now that you've made it clear that we would never be good friends ... *grin*
Anonymous, but is it wrong for me if it's not right for my parents? Where do you draw the line and who shoulders the responsibility?
Mike, I think my parents may need lessons from you :)
Jay, Yes! You would be understanding that correctly! Now, part two of this is, how would you answer the questions? My dad specifically asked, "How's the new school working out for Cam? Everything still going well for you at work? Still participating in the Church functions and finding time to share some quality time with just your own thoughts?"
The truth to those questions would be the new school, although promising, is NOT going well. I hate my job and have to remind myself daily that I am lucky to have one and had better do my damnedest to hold on to it. Time for my own thoughts? You've got to be kidding me! I'm a single parent doing my best to manage on a daily basis. My needs are so far down the list it's not even funny!
My parents are 1000 miles away. There is NOTHING they can do to help ease any of my challenges. If I'm honest I increase their worry. If I'm dishonest I'm lying to my parents. So, what do you do?
I'll stick with Jay on this one....Lie to your parents if that's what you want to call it, I'd call it a half truth and they help keep the world together. I too am a brutally honest kind of person and have a very hard time saying stuff that I don't REALLY feel, but your parents are your parents and you don't get another pair of them EVER. So no matter how dificult it may be to you, a half truth may be all they want from you too.
I never had that problem with my mom and dad and more often than not, I do not pretend feign interest in a person. To each his or her own. But of course...
I do love Lima Beans although Lima, Ohio? That place is a dump. Cheers Dana!!
As different as we can be, DAMN, I get you on this post.
Parental FB-turned-email drama? I know it well. Sigh.
Micky-T, really? I should assume that my parents - of all people - don't really want to hear the truth? That they would prefer I blow sunshine up their ass? Of all the people who ask me how I am, I'm fairly certain they expect to hear the truth - the WHOLE truth.
Matt-Man, how can any city named after a legume be a dump??
Gina, I'm stepping away from facebook for the time being. I prefer to invite my drama from other sources ;)
Dana-
I totally get you on this. Luckily, I am mostly blessed with a family that also doesn't need to reside up each other's butts. There are members I'm lucky if I talk to yearly. But, we all just pick up where we left off. I'm thankful for FB in that it makes sharing easier. I do admit, I probably am a little better about that than you, it seems. I'm usually posting a couple times a week about what the Chiles are doing, although rarely say much about me.
On the flip side, I do have a couple family members who act the way it seems your family does. When we moved to NC & didn't talk for many months, I was asked if I was ashamed of them. WTF?! This is paranoia on thier part about not being so involved. I've since had to basically sever all contact with them b/c it is so stressful. Not that I'm suggesting you do the same. Just sharing my experience.
Just keep being who you are, you are fine. However, I would recommend possibly a more frequent FB posting, just a quick line or two every other day, for the benefit of your family. Yes, it's annoying to be "one of those people" who practically post their every little move, but it does pacify others.
As your Dad said in his email, he cares about you. He just wants to let you know he is interested in your life.
"How's the new school working out for Cam? Everything still going well for you at work? Still participating in the Church functions and finding time to share some quality time with just your own thoughts?"
Gee! Let me see.....(parent asking concerning questions)
1) Well Dad the school for Cam doesn't seem to be really great so far, but we'll see.
2) Work sucks Dad but it's a job and in these times....I'll keep it.
3) Trying to keep up with the church Dad, but not a lot a time to myself.
These are what I'd call half truths, and not blowing sunshine up someones ass.
FOR CHRISTS SAKE DANA....STOP BEING SUCH A "VICTIM"...man-up and get yourself out of this shit you portray yourself to be in!
All you've ever posted is how terrible your husband is to you AND your son...how terrible your parents were to you ...and how difficult it is to bring up your son with such a terrible husband and parents who don't care. (seems to me your parents at least half-way care)(they asked)
GAWD! It must be terrible to be YOU!!!!!
"sobs" "shrugs"
I know this is HARSH...but Gawd Dang it!!!! MAN-UP.
Micky-T, Man up?? Seriously?? This comment doesn't sound harsh, it sounds like you are stuck on thinking I feel sorry for myself. I don't. I've ALWAYS taken responsibility for *my* actions and inaction.
Do I have challenges in life that you don't have? Absolutely! And I'd guess you probably have some that I don't have. I'm not special. I'm not a victim. Just someone out here with more balls than you have. Me thinks it is YOU that need to find a set of gonads!
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