When I'm Not Here

I'm most often on tumblr (Still Tied To The Tracks - some of you will recognize that reference)

I've been doing this August Blog-A-Day challenge all of this month. Since most of you who read me here don't do the tumblr thing, I thought I would post a few of the more interesting daily prompts/responses here. Yes ... I'm cheating on all of you with tumblr *snicker*

August Blog A Day - Day 1

Advice you wish you could give everyone. Things 

you’ve learned you wish you knew earlier.

• Life is not fair. Believing that it should be will do little more than drive you crazy
• Karma is real, but it doesn’t usually work the way you wish it would. People do get back what they put out there, but seldom will you ever see them “pay” It’s okay - just watch your own karma
• Don’t let fear keep you from trying 
• Don’t wallow in misery, pity, or deceit. If you feel the need to wallow, wallow in marshmallow fluff!

August Blog A Day - Day 11

Where did you grow up? How often have you moved? 

Where do you live now?

I was born in a small (under 5,000 people) town in eastern Washington near Grand Coulee Dam.

My parents moved to an eastern suburb of Seattle and purchased a home when I was 18-months old, and I lived in that same house until I was 18. I went to school with the same kids from kindergarten through high school.

At 22, the wanderlust bug bit me … and continues to bite me …

I’ve lived in southern California, Maryland, Wisconsin, Minnesota, southern Texas, Illinois, and now I’m in Las Vegas

Barring any unforeseen major life events?


I’ll likely stay here 

August Blog A Day - Day 22

Write a letter to the person who has hurt you the most

Dear Dad,

All that I ever wanted from you was unconditional love, but that never happened, did it? 

It was all good if I got straight A’s on my report card (no A-’s), if I was first chair clarinet in band, if I made some spectacular play in a softball game, if I went on to college after high school, if I didn't get pregnant when I was single …

If … if .. if …

But if I failed … even just a little bit (like I was “average”)? You were quick to tell me how worthless I was.

After 16 years of that - day in and day out (I wish you and mom had divorced long before), it was seared into my brain that I would never be enough for anyone unless I was perfect … and I have never been able to be/find perfect. At 54, I still can’t believe that anyone would love me unless I were perfect - physically, emotionally, intellectually. In other words, I don’t believe anyone will love me as I am … EVER!

You DESTROYED my ability to feel loved, and I still haven’t forgiven you for that.

I’m glad you died in December.

At least you can’t cause anymore damage

Sincerely,

The daughter who was never enough who grew into the woman who was never enough