Happy Birthday Boo-Bear!

9:01AM, twelve years ago, my life changed forever. It had been less than perfect circumstances.

The morning that I finally took the pregnancy test I kept looking at that little blue line thinking, "It can't be positive." I was 30 years old, not married and not in a committed relationship. I had just left the military a few months before and was still in the "evaluation" phase of my new, civilian job. That little blue line ... SHIT!

My parents were going to be extremely disappointed. Having their first grandchild should be a a cause for celebration, but I knew better. Not only would I be a single mother, but a single mother of a bi-racial child. My racist father would likely disown me.

How would I afford a baby? My income was just enough to take care of my daily needs, but adding a child to the financial responsibilities would be impossible. Daycare costs alone would be more than I was paying for rent. I couldn't breast feed forever and what about diapers?

And then the thoughts of responsibility came flooding through my brain. I could barely take care of myself most days - how was I going to manage to take care of someone else? Not just someone else, but someone who was completely and totally dependent upon me for his every need. I had no family living anywhere near, and no emotional support system in place.

For a brief moment, I considered that I didn't have to face any of this. I could effectively erase this moment of indiscretion. My future could look very much like it had before the blue line. I could have an abortion. Then just as quickly I realized that I couldn't have an abortion - it wasn't an option.

I put off telling my parents until I was four moths pregnant. I got the response I expected from them, but pretended it didn't matter.

I let my employer know. That discussion went much better. They gave me amazing support and let me know that my pregnancy would not negatively impact my recent employment. They even waved the 1 year waiting period for short-term disability payments so that I would be able to receive partial pay after giving birth.

Although I had never felt healthier, the pregnancy itself was not without complications. At my initial OB/GYN appointment they found a tumor on my uterus. At that time it was about the size of a tomato - it would eventually grow to the size of a cantaloupe, require exploratory surgery when I was six months pregnant, cause pre-term labor issues for the last two months of my pregnancy and necessitate a scheduled c-section delivery.

Yet at 9:01 AM on that Friday morning, as I lay in the cold operating room alone and afraid, the most amazing thing happened - I became the mom to a 9 lb.-12 oz., 23-1/2" long toddler baby boy.

These past twelve years have had some very bright moments and some very dark moments. My parents eventually came to their senses and are as proud as any other grandparents could be - maybe even more. Money was tight for many, many years. There were times when I lived on Ramen noodles for weeks, sometimes even months at a time so that I could afford the things my son needed. And you know what? I'd do it all over again even knowing what struggles we would both face.

As he starts his 13th year of life, many things are uncertain, but there is one thing I know beyond question - he made me a better person and I now have the opportunity, and overwhelming responsibility, to help him be the best person he can be.

Happy "Birth Day" to me!