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I will not play at Tug O'War
I'd rather play at Hug O'War
Where everyone hugs, instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rugs,
Where everyone kisses and everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles and everyone wins.
~ Shel Silverstein
I'd rather play at Hug O'War
Where everyone hugs, instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rugs,
Where everyone kisses and everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles and everyone wins.
~ Shel Silverstein
Did you know that today is National Hugging Day? No? I didn't either, but when I read about it I started thinking about how important touch really is, and how little of it is in my life.
One drunken night, while on twitter, I wrote:
I'd have sex with a stranger right now just to be touched.
Yeah? So?? It's true ... and extremely pathetic ... but ... but ...
With the exception of a friendly hug goodbye now and again, it has been, what? Over two years since I've been in a place where reciprocal touch happened regularly with anyone? I'm not talking about sex here, I'm talking about general touch. I miss holding hands. I miss hugs. I miss laying my head in someone's lap and falling asleep.
I miss touch - being touched and being able to touch someone else - and I've really not given any validation to how lonely that makes me feel.
I do a lot of internal rationalization - Cam needs to come first right now - my needs can be addressed when Cam graduates from high school - adding someone to this mess of a life I have would just make it messier and be unfair to everyone involved.
I've convinced myself that I shouldn't be lonely. That I shouldn't miss being touched. This should be enough. I should be happy. For goodness sakes there are homeless people and sick children and ... and ... I'm whining about being lonely and not being touched?? I have a roof over my head and reasonably good health. What's not to be happy about?? It could be so much worse, right??
More importantly, I've told myself that missing touch - being lonely - is my penance to be paid for the choices I've made. Somehow, that seems a more rational and sensible explanation.
I'm not sure how to fix this. I mean, I can fix the shitty self-talk, but maybe lonely is just where I have to be right now. Maybe reciprocal touch is reserved for other people - people who are more deserving (for lack of a better word) of it? Maybe it's just not as big deal as I make it out to be.
And no, I'm really not feeling sorry for myself. It's just where life is right now, but I do wonder just how much reciprocal touch plays a part in all of it.
*shrugs*
Go hug someone today! They might need to be touched!
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15 comments:
No one should be lonely nor should they deserve to be lonely. Are you equating being lonely with sex here? If you are...I'd much rather be absent the sex, than truly be lonely. Cheers Dana!!
I think that a feeling of loneliness is more common than you might think. There are times when I feel profoundly lonely, despite the fact that I am getting hugged by my children. I have a very good relationship, but that does not stop me from feeling that absolute desolation-type loneliness at times. A need to reach out, or be reached out to, at just the right moment in time to validate one's existence. When that need goes unmet, that unmistakable sense of utter alone-ness sets in.
Matt-Man, Oh! Heavens no! I've been far more lonely at times I was having sex regularly than I have been when practicing (involuntary) celibacy. But I do think touch - that physical connection between people (NOT sex, nor sexual touch) - contributes to overall loneliness.
boo, I'm sure I'm not alone in this place, and I'd be willing to bet that loneliness has many levels - emotional, physical - maybe even spiritual. And yes, I do believe much of it has to do with validation - of humanness - at it's very basic level.
Damnit Dana! You do NOT deserve to be lonely. Please stop telling yourself that. You don't need to punish yourself. Hell, you have a teanager...isn't that punishment enough?
Get a massage. Honest. Find a massage school somewhere near you. The students are always looking for people to practice on, the prices are cheap, and the power of someone intentionally putting their hands on you in a way that makes you feel taken care of is so amazing. Until you're in a place where reciprocal touch is part of your every day life, this could fill the gap. But, be prepared to cry a little the first few times. Releasing that junk you're carrying around with you can sometimes cause some tears.
Touch has been proven to be very important for humans. That's why premies get massages from nurses when they are in incubators.
I have done the same thing many times. Telling myself I don't deserve to be happy or whatever. It's very destructive to start thinking that way.
Everyone deserves to feel loved. Don't put yourself on the back burner. You will be a better mom to Cam if you take care of yourself.
I like the massage idea - being pampered and meeting a physical need of touch can't be bad. I'm a touchy feely person - even with people I'm meeting for the first time. If you ever have occasion to come this way, I would hug you and then sit next to you and poke your leg every so often. :-)
Just choose wisely because as you probably know, not all partners are good at making you feel less lonely and not all are good at touch.
It's called skin hunger, and it often lies at the bottom of bullying behavior in children -- they just want the physical contact to affirm that they really exist.
Massage is an excellent idea.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I said this just this week to a friend. My husband left in March so it's been nearly a year. And even then, it wasn't genuine. I just miss feeling "worth it."
You don't need to feel guilty about this. It's a basic need. Yes, there are homeless people and sick children and those of us who just want to not feel lonely. None of those invalidates another.
Wish I could give you more than cyber-hugs....
Massage. Absolutely. It helps. And no one deserves to be lonely. I'm with ETW - if you're ever out this way, I'll give you a hug and I do a decent massage, too.
Simple little touches are so very important...even more important than sex...YES, I said it
This is just an over-the-internet hug, but I hope you feel it.
*HUG*
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