I Have It All Figured Out, You Know!

*NOTE* I wrote this post in June of 2012 and it has been sitting in DRAFT mode since then. At the time, I was asked not to post it, but knowing what I know now? I should have posted it and listened to the feedback I likely would have gotten. The events described below did indeed happen. At the time, I was led to believe that my imagination was getting the best of me - that I was creating some alternate reality. And I let myself be convinced that these events were just coincidental. After  six year of these types of "coincidences" (one VERY recently), it became clear that my fear was quite justified. And as you all know, he eventually did leave ...

~*~

This relationship has been too good to be true.

I knew that from the beginning. No one has ever cherished me like this ... at least outside of DMs, texts and emails behind their wife's back. I knew this relationship couldn't possibly be what I hoped it was.

I was afraid to ask you to help out with rent - to contribute towards groceries - to split the utility bills with me. I figured I'd have to carry the load alone to actually have you stay with me.

I'm not all that. I'm fat, frumpy, and otherwise forgettable, and I come with a moving truck full of baggage.

There were the issues with PayPal. Payments that you said you made but that never showed up. Finally, the issues were resolved and a payment showed up mid-month.

The following month? Again, I was afraid to ask you to contribute. I sent a PayPal invoice - a passive-aggressive way to ask you to contribute without having to ask you to contribute.

It didn't work so well. I had to ask you if you got the invoice when your payment didn't arrive. I figured this time you'd be gone for sure. You assured me you would call the bank on Monday to straighten it out.

Saturday I went to the market - a chore you usually do with me but you weren't feeling well - so I went alone. You gave me your debit card (and the PIN) so that I would have your contribution for the groceries. The debit card didn't work. I was beyond embarrassed in the checkout line.

I was snippy when I got home ... "The next time you give me a debit card, please give me the right PIN."

You claimed you did.

Today, you tell me someone has withdrawn all of the money from your bank account - that the bank is looking at their tapes to see who it was - and the police department will be calling to follow up with you.

Oh! And that your mom has cancer again.

I have it all figured out, you know! I'll leave for work tomorrow and when I come home? You'll be gone. You'll tell me that you need to be close to your mom while she fights the cancer - that she needs you there.

And then you won't come back.

You shouldn't have told me that you are an expert liar. Now I question everything you say - examine all of your actions looking for inconsistencies.

If this wasn't all one big ploy to find a way to leave?

I'll push you away with my constant scrutiny, distrust, and fear of abandonment.

It's much easier to play it safe - to tell myself that I have it all figured out - I hope it helps protect my heart.

I have it all figured out, you know! I might be naive and gullible, but eventually even I have to face reality.

TMI Tuesday | Nosy

TMI Tuesday Blog

1. How old is your longest living relative?

Why do these questions have to be so hard?? I don't know ... late 70's? My mom is 75, her older sister is my oldest living (blood) relative, so I think late 70's is my final answer.

2. Do you hope to live to this age? Why?

Yes, I'd like to live at least into my late 70's. The older I get the older I want to get. I'm 53 - I'd like at least another 25 years. I've got places to go, people to see, and things to do for goodness sakes!!

3. What is your family’s native language? Your native language?

When my great-grandmother came to this country she spoke only German. She was the last generation in my family whose native language was not English.

4. How old were you when you started dating?

I'm pretty sure I went on my first date when I was 16. After that? My only "date" (we went as friends) was my senior prom. It wasn't until I was 22 that I actually dated someone ... someone I ended up marrying 2 months into our dating relationship ... and someone I divorced 2 years later.

5. How old were you when you first had sex–any kind of sex?

Let's see ... I was 12 when I had my first orgasm, but that was solo sex (and quite a story). I was 17 when I had my first non-solo sex. And in true TMI form? My sex life was far more active than my dating life between 17 and 22.

Bonus: How would you describe your sense of humor?

My sense of humor can be best described as sarcastic and witty.

The Best Worst Year

This really does sum up my 2017.

Never did I expect that my relationship with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with would end, nor did I ever think I would learn things about him that really did break me - that made me realize that words are only words, and sometimes people say them for their own benefit.

Yet I was reminded of how strong I am - that although I let myself depend on him, I was perfectly capable of taking care of myself and making my own life better.

The death of my dad certainly made me smarter and wiser. I didn't realize what needed to be done (and maintained) while I am alive so that Cam is not left with a mess to clean up. I do now.

There were unexpected friends - people that I didn't think gave me a second thought - who ended up being so important to me this past year.

I'm grateful that 2017 is over. I am well aware that a new year guarantees me nothing - no magical happiness - no unexpected peace - yet there is a part of me that is grateful for the perceived fresh start.

Yes ... 2017 was the best worst year ...