~*~*~
I hadn't really thought much about it. If I look at myself in the mirror, it isn't usually to see how I look, it is to remind myself of how ugly I am. "My nose is too big," "I have a chin like Jay Leno" and "I better be sure to always face the camera head-on because my profile is hideous."
Don't let me catch a glimpse of my entire body ...
"God I'm such a pig," "It's no wonder people don't like me, I'm a big fat ugly cow" and "I really should be ashamed to hang out with normal people because it just makes me look even fatter."
It's not just my appearance. Spelling error on twitter? "I'm such a idiot!" A blog post where it's clear I'm not getting my point across? "If I were a half-way decent writer people might get what I'm saying!" A mistake at work? "Some day they are just going to fire my stupid ass!"
I don't know when I started doing this, but I do know it's been decades ago.
I distinctly remember taking private clarinet lessons when I was 14, and after screwing up a rather difficult passage saying (out loud), "Dana! You are so stupid! Can't you do anything right?" I also remember the look of horror on my teacher's face when he made me stop and said, "Do you always talk to yourself in the third person like that?"
It was the very same day that I started internallized those dialogs - saying them silently to myself after discovering it wasn't OK to say them out loud. And they got louder ... and stronger ...
They never go away.
Sometimes they yell and scream at me telling me how worthless I am. How ugly I am. How it's no wonder no one wants me.
Sometimes they are a more quite, persistent voice reminding me that there will always be people prettier, skinnier, smarter and more desirable than I ever will be.
They are the words that tell me people only make nice comments my HNT pics out of politeness. The words that remind me I don't deserve to be happy. The words that won't let me forget that I am worthless and will never be special.
They are seldom quiet.
They are never nice.
Am I begging for compliments? No ... in fact I'm hoping this might explain why your compliments are seldom heard even when you do make them. You see, the words - the messages inside my head? They talk far louder than all y'all ever could. They have over 30 years of practice.
But you know what? I'm tired of listening to those words - words that I would never speak to anyone but myself. Words that I wouldn't even dare think about anyone else.
It's a very bad habit and one I'm struggling to put behind me. For now? I avoid looking in mirrors, choosing instead to walk with my head down when I think there is a possibility of catching a glimpse of my reflection. It's not a cure, but at least it's a start.
I've been trying to do a few nice things for myself. Very small things but things that remind me that I have value. It's amazing what a difference just buying moisturizing soap and a bath poof can do. Up until about two weeks ago I used Irish Spring. Irish Spring that made me sneeze and dried out my skin terribly. Why? Because it was the soap Cam likes and I really wasn't worth spending the extra $4 on to get something that I liked. I could get by. I don't deserve special treatment.
Or do I?
Which voice wins?
Don't let me catch a glimpse of my entire body ...
"God I'm such a pig," "It's no wonder people don't like me, I'm a big fat ugly cow" and "I really should be ashamed to hang out with normal people because it just makes me look even fatter."
It's not just my appearance. Spelling error on twitter? "I'm such a idiot!" A blog post where it's clear I'm not getting my point across? "If I were a half-way decent writer people might get what I'm saying!" A mistake at work? "Some day they are just going to fire my stupid ass!"
I don't know when I started doing this, but I do know it's been decades ago.
I distinctly remember taking private clarinet lessons when I was 14, and after screwing up a rather difficult passage saying (out loud), "Dana! You are so stupid! Can't you do anything right?" I also remember the look of horror on my teacher's face when he made me stop and said, "Do you always talk to yourself in the third person like that?"
It was the very same day that I started internallized those dialogs - saying them silently to myself after discovering it wasn't OK to say them out loud. And they got louder ... and stronger ...
They never go away.
Sometimes they yell and scream at me telling me how worthless I am. How ugly I am. How it's no wonder no one wants me.
Sometimes they are a more quite, persistent voice reminding me that there will always be people prettier, skinnier, smarter and more desirable than I ever will be.
They are the words that tell me people only make nice comments my HNT pics out of politeness. The words that remind me I don't deserve to be happy. The words that won't let me forget that I am worthless and will never be special.
They are seldom quiet.
They are never nice.
Am I begging for compliments? No ... in fact I'm hoping this might explain why your compliments are seldom heard even when you do make them. You see, the words - the messages inside my head? They talk far louder than all y'all ever could. They have over 30 years of practice.
But you know what? I'm tired of listening to those words - words that I would never speak to anyone but myself. Words that I wouldn't even dare think about anyone else.
It's a very bad habit and one I'm struggling to put behind me. For now? I avoid looking in mirrors, choosing instead to walk with my head down when I think there is a possibility of catching a glimpse of my reflection. It's not a cure, but at least it's a start.
I've been trying to do a few nice things for myself. Very small things but things that remind me that I have value. It's amazing what a difference just buying moisturizing soap and a bath poof can do. Up until about two weeks ago I used Irish Spring. Irish Spring that made me sneeze and dried out my skin terribly. Why? Because it was the soap Cam likes and I really wasn't worth spending the extra $4 on to get something that I liked. I could get by. I don't deserve special treatment.
Or do I?
Which voice wins?
~*~*~
21 comments:
You, my dear, deserve the VERY best! And nothing less! Listen to the quieter voice. It's your heart and it's always right.
No one deserves special treatment, but on the other hand, no one needs to feel as they aren't as good as anyone else.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't say to myself, "Mahoney, you are such a fucking moron."
I meant it, but it doesn't get me down. I think quite a few people do the same.
Adapt and overcome. Cheers Dana!!
You go girl! 1 little thing here and there does so much to help your self worth. I understand so much of what you are saying. my husband does not understand that i criticize myself more than anyone else and that any little thing he says is magnified by my past, and my inner voice.
Thank you for being honest about all of this. You are a good person
Knowing what you are doing is half the battle. I am glad you recognize this. Like all of the obstacles that have come before you these past two years that I have known you.
This is another one I am confident that you will conquer....
I applaud the fighter in you!
I was just cutting a piece for the radio show and screwing it and I was yelling at myself calling myself all kinds of names. Maybe I shouldn't do that.
I think that it's okay to be self-critical, but it's when we really start believing the things we say that it becomes a problem. So, stop listening to yourself. ;-)
There are times when I have to remind myself that if I don't treat myself well, why should others?
Like you, I am very self critical. Those voices some days just need to STFU. That's why God gave us beer. But, I digress.
I think starting small - making changes where you make yourself important and worthy will go a long ways. And remember, the loudest voices are rarely right - they are merely loud.
Learning to do a little something for yourself is a huge step in learning to care about yourself again...or for the first time.
I just realized I was buying Irish Spring when I was unemployed because it is what my boyfriend likes and I was thinking of him first. I guess it's a little easier to consider myself when I'm not struggling as much.
I vote for the Loofa and Dove bar....
It's crazy how much I think just like you and can tell you how much nicer life is when I interrupt my internal dialog and tell it to shut it's pie hole. No really, try it. And then I laugh - I call it's mouth a different name each time. (And I'd love to tell you it works like a dream but sometimes? It just doesn't.)
Stay strong!
Jana, I've got to convince that quieter voice to get a little more ballsy!
Matt-Man, I think you (fortunately) don't understand the extent of my self-talk which, in this case, is a good thing!
AmbyLand, Until I really started paying attention, I didn't realize just how often I do this. It is ridiculous ... more so because I do it to myself!
Joker_SATX, I'll beat those loser voices down one of these days - just need to keep badgering them!
Jay, I think you hit the nail on the head. We ALL do this occasionally, but I'm pretty sure most people just brush it off knowing they aren't really an idiot. Me?? I'm not there. I still talk to myself AND listen to myself, but I'll get there!
Emmy, I think I may have gotten to where I am via the "I'll treat myself like others treat me because they obviously know something I don't" route. I've got a pretty good idea where it all started, but what matters here is that I stop it.
Knight, that has been part of the problem the past year. I've tried to lessen the financial impact on Cam by doing without. It became second nature and now that things are better, I was still doing it. I think I'm worth $4 :)
Alfro, LOOOFFFFAAAA!
Anna, I figure it's about time I call those words some of the same (or worse) names than they call me!
It is ok be critical of yourself, but not to berate yourself about things that are just not true. You are not stupid or ugly or bovine.
Look in the mirror and affirmations instead of cutting yourself up. "Your good enough, your smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you!"
Love yourself!
I know that your self-criticism is NOT deserved. And you know that I know of what I speak.
Its hard to do, but you have to tell your voices to shut their whore mouth, and tell yourself something nice.
"hang out with normal people"
You can be the modern day Diogenes. Get your lamp and start looking them.
Why do we allow ourselves to treat ourselves worse than we'd treat anybody else? We ALL are guilty of it at some point. Now that you've seen it and named it (telling the interwebz) and recognize it, you have a leg up on beating it.
I've missed you..... so many ppl out there...so little 'trueness'..you're true. You say it as it is...no sugar..no artificial sweetner...raw sugar maybe...but true.
keep putting one foot in front of another..you'll get there...eventually...you're too smart not to. :) xo
if nothing else, CERTAINLY you deserve the very best in soap! and i have a feeling you deserve the best in so, so much more.
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I ditto Karen's comment. I'd also like to add that to me you are special and I'm not just saying that because I don't just say shit like that. Git yer head right gal. I know I'm not the brightest bulb or the prettiest bauble but 'sall good, I like me :)
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