Milestones

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There have been a few of them lately. Not momentous life events, but rather small things with significant meaning.

As of last Thursday, I made my final payment on an employee loan - THE employee loan - the one that I took out to pay for the deposit on the apartment Cam and I moved into 10 months ago.

The $25 per week deduction didn't have a huge impact on my finances, but it was something that reminded me I hadn't quite accomplished our move yet.

Last night, for the first time in two-ish years, I slept in a real bed.

I can't remember when it was that I started sleeping on the futon in the "guest" bedroom when I was still with husband (a year+ would be a good estimate), but when Cam and I moved out there was only one bed to be had, and it belonged to Cam.

Since moving to the apartment, my nights have been spent on the sofa or the futon. Not a big deal - I can sleep anywhere (good Army training) but I haven't had a really good night's sleep for quite some time.

Cam begged to have the futon put in his room. He wanted the option of having a "sofa" in his room when his friends stop by. Yesterday we made the move ... after I bribed him, telling him his room had to be clean in order to make the switch. It worked!


Sure, the bedding is of the WalMart, college dorm clearance variety, but it's a step up from the sleeping bag I've been using since Cam and I moved and boy, did I sleep well last night!

This afternoon I'll be dropping off my first "publicly" displayed photo. I stopped off at the photo kiosk at my local market (they use Kodak paper) and had an 8 x 10 print made of my Moment in Time photo. Another trip to WalMart (I was there THREE times this weekend) for a pre-matted frame and TA-DAA!!


I will be the first to admit that this past 10 months has seldom gone the way I hoped it would. I wanted dramatic, consistent change for the better. I got struggles, BIG struggles, and financial and emotional turmoil. What I thought would be a temporary move - 6 months tops - has turned in to what will likely be a permanent relocation.

There are times when I get really down on myself - when I cannot seem to acknowledge my success with a single thing - but that's because I'm looking for the big, dramatic change when in fact, it's been a lot of little changes that will one day put me EXACTLY where I want to be - me again!

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Ch - Ch - Ch - Changes

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It's been a while, hasn't it? I think I've gone through every emotion on the spectrum ... and then a few ... in the last week.

For some of you, this is old news (it pays to be a Twit) but entertain me and pretend like you're excited to hear it again, OK?

After last week's events (you can read about them [HERE] if you missed it), I knew I couldn't keep Cam in this environment any longer. The realization that Cam's head could have just as easily looked like his bedroom wall was just too much. Apartment hunting in a small town is a daunting task. When your population is 3500, there just aren't a lot of available rental units, and not a single multi-building apartment complex.

I found three apartments to look at - one in the town just east of us but still within Cam's school attendance boundaries and the other two here in town - just blocks away from where we live now. The third one I looked at was a keeper. Ground floor, 2 BIG bedrooms, a remodeled kitchen with a microwave over the stove. This is our new home!


See the window in the center? The one with the tree trunk running through it? That's our living room window! It's a six-plex and the landlords live in one of the units. I always feel a little better knowing that the owner of the building is willing to live there too!

After having a civil discussion with husband Wednesday night surrounding how we were living and the lack of doing anything to change it, I let him know I was signing a lease the next day. He's not happy - he'll have to alter his lifestyle a bit to stay in the house - but he agreed that it was the best thing.

Much to the dismay of some of you, there is no talk of divorce. Sure, he might be contacting a high-falutin' attorney behind my back, but honestly, I don't think so. And I just can't operate from a "must get him before he gets me" mode. I'm ready to move out - I'm clear that we cannot work on making a marriage any better when Cam and my safety and security is at risk daily - but I'm not willing to throw in the towel. Not yet.

Husband and I will likely date each other and both have the freedom to date others if we choose (NOT anywhere on my radar thank-you-very-much) He has mentioned going back to counseling. I hope he does - not for us but for him. In one of our discussions he mentioned that he didn't think counseling helped much. I reminded him that counseling requires participation from ALL parties involved to actually "work".

I'm in a prepare for the worse, expect the best mode for these next two weeks (Cam and I move in December 4th). I think emotions are going to be quite raw for everyone involved and it will take a lot of work to keep those in check. I've got a back-up plan in place should Cam and I need to get out of here sooner, but I'm hoping we won't need it.

This is much harder than I expected ... and much harder than it probably should be given the history of the relationship ... but I'm moving forward.

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Routine and Comfort, Escape and Change

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If I lived in a perfect world, I'd have today off - a day to overcome the jet lag - a day to unpack and do laundry - a day to recover from the past month of travel and "vacation." Unfortunately, bills need to be paid, money needs to be made and I need to keep my employer happy.

I've certainly missed the blogsphere and all of you! Although I've done fairly well keeping up with all of you, commenting on your posts (my favorite part of blogging) has been sporadic at best. I'm actually looking forward to getting back into my routine. There is great comfort in routine and sameness - sometimes too much ...

“I find it fascinating that most people plan their vacations with better care than they plan their lives. Perhaps that is because escape is easier than change.”
~ Jim Rohn

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