Yes? No? Maybe???

Well, DH is now speaking to me. No surprise, I became “worthy” of conversation when my step-daughter came for weekend visitation. We wouldn’t want her reporting back to the ex that Dad and Dana aren’t talking now, would we? Of course, this is my cynical view of things, but I’m starting to think that is all I have left.

Before I start this next segment of blogging, let me give fair warning – following are adult topics that may not be appropriate for all readers!

Last night, DH and I finally had a “rational” discussion about the shit/fan moment last week. One of my *BIG* issues over the past 6 months has been sex, specifically the lack of it (before it became an issue of control). DH tells me last night that the reason he hasn’t wanted to have sex is because he fears I’ll get pregnant. Of course, he qualifies that by saying, “It’s not that I wouldn’t want you to be the mother of my child …” which of course leads me to believe that he does not want me to be the mother of his child (see cynical view comment above), but whatever.

He feels he/we are too old to have another baby. Actually, I agree – it wouldn’t be an ideal situation, but not only because we’d be in our 60’s when the child graduated, but because our marriage isn’t any place I’d want to bring another child in to right now. Of course, rather than discuss his concerns with me, he’s been sitting in his office, jacking off to porn every other night.

He doesn’t want any more children – wouldn’t it make sense that he make an appointment for a vasectomy? Of course it does, which is why he tells me that he just can’t bring himself to do that. OK, fine – I’ll get my tubes tied – quite frankly, I don’t see any need to keep my reproductive options open, and since my risks for serious side effects from BCP’s are significant at my age, and I don’t like the way IUD’s “prevent” pregnancy, having my tubes tied seems a reasonable thing to do. But wait! He doesn’t feel it’s “right” for me to have to do that.

According to him, we aren’t having sex because he’s afraid I’ll get pregnant, he doesn’t want to get a vasectomy, but it’s not “fair” that I have a tubal. Sure, that makes sense to me – NOT! Bottom line, I have no idea if his story is true or not. He’s had about a week to come up with some story (any story) that at least partially explains his behavior. Am I just hearing what he thinks I want to hear, or does he really find me so repulsive that he can’t bring himself to have sex with me?? I guess he’s the only one who knows …

He also claims that he will have a list of marriage counselors for us to review by the end of the week. Yes, this is EXACTLY what I told him last week that started the whole shit/fan episode, but now that he is offering (and not being TOLD), it’s all good. I’m not holding my breath (remember cynical view comment earlier) – I don’t look good in blue!