Some Things Never Change

Yesterday, I was wondering how I was going to make it through four more days with my mother - by 6:00 last night, I only had to wonder how I'd make it through the next 18 hours.

My mother is, and always has been, a button pusher. I remember the behavior as far back as when I was five. My mother finds, then pushes, pushes and PUSHES, the emotional buttons of EVERYONE she meets. She had been pushing buttons, and boundaries, since the moment she stepped foot in this house. Yesterday afternoon, a minor incident brought her visit to a screeching halt, when she decided to participate in her button pushing mantra one too many times.

Cam had picked up one of those paddleball toys and looked like he was going to start playing with it in the family room. I looked at Cam and said, don't play with that in the family room. If you want to play with it you'll need to take it outside of upstairs to your room." Seems harmless enough, doesn’t it? Well, here is the rest of the conversation:

MOM: Why can't he play with it in the family room? (Said in an openly defiant manner)

ME: Because we don't allow toys in the family room.

MOM: Why? (Again, openly defiant and taunting)

DH (to my mom): Karen, you don't want to go here. You really need to respect our home and our rules or you need to leave.

MOM: MAKE ME! (Anyone having flashbacks to a recent conversation with their five-year-old?)

DH: I'll pack your shit up and throw it in the middle of the road if I have to!

MOM: Dana, can I use your computer?

ME: Of course.

DH (as my mom heads down to the basement): Please close the door.

MOM: What do you think? I'm STUPID?

… and this wasn't the worst of it. You see, this little game has played out THOUSANDS of times in my childhood home. I know what is supposed to come next. It was at this point that I was supposed follow her downstairs and tell her how much I love her and beg her not to leave (she went downstairs to change her flight information). The problem? She was WAY out of line and there wasn't a chance in hell that I was going to do what she wanted. The next hour was ugly.

She eventually went upstairs to her room and beckoned Cam to bring her cell phone to her room. Not happening! Again, I *know* this game. This is where she finds the most vulnerable person in the immediate area (me, as a child, now Cam) and fills his or her head with nonsense about how everyone else is wrong and she is just misunderstood. You see, at this point she knows she's done wrong and she attempts to cover her tracks as best she can. This CANNOT be her fault so she begins her crusade to convince those she can manipulate to be on her "side." Well, she was NOT going to do that to my son, so I refused to let Cam go talk to her and instead, I brought her cell phone to her.

I can only speculate on what happened over the next 30 minutes. I *know* that she called her friend in Las Vegas who was going to pick her up. I *know* she called my aunt (her youngest sister) to make changes to her itinerary so that she could leave today (three calls from my aunt followed the blow-up with my mother) and I *know* that the story she told my aunt was NOT what happened in my home. By the time my mother went downstairs to attempt to print her boarding pass, I was livid! Not only had she been unreasonable with her behavior in my home (not a complete surprise), she had attempted to drag Cam, and had involved other family members and strangers, in this situation. Cam was SOBBING on the sofa - certain he was responsible for what had happened. It was time for me to confront her.

I don't believe my mother has EVER seen me stand up to anyone the way I stood my ground with her. Not only did I tell her I couldn't believe she had the audacity to do this to my son, but I told her I wasn't playing her games - that I was an adult and she was a guest in my home - and not only did she need to change her flight, but she needed to find an airport hotel AND call a cab because she was not welcome here any longer. Her response? GO TO HELL!

Eventually, with my aunt acting a "mediator," we were able to move somewhat forward. I decided to allow her to stay here her last night and I will be driving her to the airport at noon today. It is definitely time for her to go, and I will tell you that she is not welcome in my home again.

Now comes the tricky part. I don't want to interfere in the relationship between my mother and Cam, yet I'm not sure that her influence in his life offers more positive energy than negative energy. Cam deserves caring, loving and STABLE grandparents, and although I know my mother loves him, she routinely sabotages our parenting and our household rules. I'm thinking this is in no way a good thing.

I wanted to believe my mother had changed - that she had figured out that the way she lives her life brings nothing but chaos and confusion to her. Unfortunately, at 65, she still hasn't figured it out, it's becoming more and more clear that she never will.