Sunday Secret

As I was writing my dining room table post yesterday, I realized two things:

1. I keep things visible that remind me of my failures daily, and

2. My life is very much like my dining room - it looks put together and pristine on the outside, but the chaos lies just below the surface.

What's On Your Table?

About 2 weeks ago - or is that 2.7 blogging years? - Anastasia over at Apathy Lounge posted a bit of a meme challenge. She asked her reader's to post a photo of their dining room table to offer a glimpse into their "real" life. Jay, the Cynical Bastard that he is, actually took on the challenge, and if Jay can do it, so can I! But, as you are about to see, if my dining room table speaks volumes about me, we are in BIG trouble! Let's start in the formal dining room, shall we?

What? You don't see anything on that table? That would be correct! Of course there are decorative items - my basket of balls, a table runner from Target, and if you look really close I'm sure you'll find some dust, but other than that, nadda! What's even a bit more sad is the fact that we've had this table for two years and there has NEVER been a meal served on it.

Next up, the table in the informal dining room.

This is actually where we eat all of our meals, almost every night. Yes, we are a "family dinner table" family. Of course, there isn't much to see here either - just some place mats from Target, salt and pepper grinders from Costco (I *heart* fresh ground pepper and sea salt), assorted trivets and napkins. Yes, this is how this table always looks - there was no cleaning prior to taking this photo!

I know you all are thinking I'm some freak of nature. I mean, everyone has a table full of daily activities, right?? Well, my secret is the desk in the kitchen. This is where "real" life accumulates!

The two stacks of paper on the left? Those are hubby's - much of which needs to be shredded (note the shredder under the desk) - but will likely continue to accumulate for another 3"-4". The red book under the stack of papers on the far left? A photo album that never found it's way home.

As you move to the center of the desk you'll see two cordless phones. One has speaker phone capability but a short battery life, so they both sit there. This is also where the quick charge for the rechargeable batteries stays.

The right half of the desk? Well, that's all mine. You'll see the local weekly paper waiting to be read, the Tuesday Morning circular left there to remind me to stop by next week, a copy of Railroad magazine (I've got to get that on the coffee table) and more stacks of paper waiting to be shredded. You'll also notice a stud finder on the far right - that is there waiting for me to use it to finish the bathroom update project - I need to hang a storage cabinet in the "water closet." Oh, and the photo cube - a $2 garage sale find which holds all the miscellaneous little junk that gets in the way. I've got chap stick, Dave & Buster's game cards, keys - all that kind of good stuff lives there.

You'll see that we also use under the desk for overflow. This is where the shredder stays. That white bag behind the shredder? A bag full of paperback books given to me by a friend about 5 months ago. I put the bag there and haven't moved it since. You'll also see my son's backpack and his oboe. This desk is right next to the door that goes out to the garage, so my son uses this space for the things that he needs to take to school each day. The red leather squashed bag on the far right? That would be the bag I bought for the commute downtown when I secured my "perfect" job - the one I was let go from back in November. I think I likely keep that bag there as a daily reminder of what I had and lost.

Maybe it's time to clean?

Why HNT?

I've been doing a little thinking the past few days about HNT and why I do it, and I thought I'd bare a little more than my body and share a long, boring story little insight with all of you!

Yesterday, as I was making my HNT rounds, I came across several bloggers who were making public announcements regarding the fact that they were no longer participating in HNT. Their stories were varied - some felt whatever they were getting from HNT was no longer there for them, some were concerned about being "discovered" - my guess is that the reasons for not participating in HNT are just as numbered as the reasons for participating in HNT. As we all know, blogs are individuals, in every sense of the word. Our alter egos personalities ooze into what we write and what we write about. I suspect HNT is no different.

Seeing people leaving the ranks of HNT, seeing a recent influx of *new* HNT-ers on several of the blogs I regularly read, and reading a recent post written by the HNT master, Osbasso, (you can find his post [HERE]) got me thinking about why I did my first HNT and what I hope to get out of continuing with HNT.

In a single word, VALIDATION.

For me, it really is about validating the woman that I am. For those of you who are married with kids, you know that you become so-and-so's mom (or dad), or so-and-so's wife (or husband). It is the strangest thing and it hits without warning. Even having a career outside of the home doesn't seem to make one exempt from the process. Somehow - and almost instantaneously - we become the object of someone else’s possession.

In my life, this has been compounded by surrounding myself with people who talk about the virtues of others while never seldom expressing any admiration for my virtues, coupled with battling significant weight issues for 30+ years. It has landed me in a place where self-doubt and self-loathing of my physical appearance are commonplace.

I know, this is starting to sound like one of those pity-party posts, and before I lead you too far down that road, know that HNT - and all of you - have put me in a place where I can start to change that way of thinking. What you don't know about my weekly HNT post is that each and every week I have somewhat of a panic attack moment of perpetual deliberation prior to posting a pic. That damn little voice in my head asks, "Will it be offensive?", "Will the compliments I receive seem forced?", "Will people be thinking, 'That old woman needs to put some clothes on!'?" You'd think, after seven weeks of positive feedback, it would get easier, but it has been a terribly slow process.

HNT has been, and hopefully will continue to be, validation of my womanhood if you will. Validation that although a 20-year old body is quite a beautiful thing, a 43-year old body can be just as beautiful. Validation that sexy comes in all shapes, sizes and ages, and is far more about attitude than genetics. Validation that, at some level, we all deal with self-doubt. Validation that I am OK fabulous, just as I am, imperfections and all!