Sunday Secret

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I Am Too Old

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To be living paycheck-to-paycheck

To be unable to finance even a used car because my credit is so poor

To have to stay "married" so that Cam and I can still have medical insurance

To have to depend on others

To not own my own home

To be working a job well below my knowledge and abilities for a salary I made when I was 30

To have lost just about everything - twice

To make such poor life decisions

To watch it all happen, but do nothing to change it

This wasn't my dream

This is not where I should be at almost 50-years old in my mid 40's

My expectations were much higher

I was fully capable of meeting those expectations

But I didn't

And I have no one to blame but myself*

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*Sometimes I just need to get it out of my system - acknowledge that the only person who failed me, was me - and hopefully move forward

I've Lost My Independence

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This blog has always been the place where I could spill the oftentimes incoherent thoughts roaming my brain and organize them into something that made at least a little sense.

I have shared things here that I am ashamed of.

Parts of me that need to change.

Ideas that are unpopular.

Inviting others to pass judgement on me.

Then things changed.

Although I have met some of the people who read this blog, I've not shared my daily life with them.

Until Mike.

It's a bit ironic really - the man who learned so much about me through this blog is, in large part, the reason I feel like I've lost my voice here. No, he hasn't asked me not to write, he still enjoys reading my posts, yet I feel that I need to temper my words if I write about him.

It's because I care about how my words impact him and how my words might impact my reader's perception of him. I never had that concern with husband.

I suppose this shows growth in my character, but I don't like the conflict I feel. I've been proud to share what is my real life on a platform usually reserved for passive-aggressive rants and "Oh my life is perfect" mommy bloggers. This blog was a place that was all of me, not just the parts I wanted other people to see.

This new feeling of responsibility for my words and how they impact Mike has carried over to other topics and people too. I've wanted to talk about some challenges Cam has been facing, but find myself wondering if that is in his best interest. I'm also working on a very public project right now that has my dander up, but because my words could adversely impact that project (and all of those working on it), I've had to keep quiet.

I don't like it, but I'm wondering if it somehow makes me a "better" person ... at least in the eyes of those who might be negatively impacted by my words.

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