*looks around* This place reminds me of somewhere ...

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It's been a while, hasn't it?  What I though would be a few weeks away from the blog turned into over two months away from the blog.

So much has happened in those two months - some good, some bad and some ugly.

After finding myself in a place where I was actually looking into caregivers for Cam should I not be around for him, thinking I was putting on a good front so that everyone thought I was doing just "fine", and then having Aunt Becky go all "I will load you up in the minivan and drag you by the hair to the doctor if you don't go NOW" on me (I'll admit, there was a moment when I considered refusal just to see if she could pull it off), I did finally talk to my doctor about how I was feeling.

I've been on an antidepressant for about a month now.  I had some initial troubles with some side effects, but those seem to have mellowed out now.  I had no idea how sick I was (and how long this had been going on) until I started feeling better.  Although I really don't like the idea of depending on a daily dose of drugs for my mental stability, I now realize it was exactly what I've needed ... likely for years.

Now the trick is getting used to my emotions not being all over the place. I had gotten so used to the high, highs and the very low, lows, that this place where I'm at now feels wrong.

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Some of you noticed that this blog went private for a bit.  Although I've had experiences with people reading my blog (and leaving comments) that I often wished would go away (notice I'm not using the "T" word?) I had my first experience with a true internet stalker.

I have mentioned again and again that I hide in plain sight out here (and on twitter and tumblr).  I knew that carried a risk of being "found," but the benefit of being me far outweighed that risk.  What I didn't expect was a vindictive streak from someone I've known for quite some time - someone who I've had disagreements and words with in the past, but someone who I didn't imagine thought much about that past.  I was wrong.

On July 6th, this person decided to send an email to my employer (through my employer's CONTACT US website page) that said, "This is what your employee has been doing while at work" with a link to my tumblr.  The intent was clearly to cause me emotional and financial harm (thus crossing that line to stalker).

My tumblr is very much like this blog - it is me - in the raw. This was the first thing my employer saw when they clicked on the the link:

I was, not surprisingly, called into my boss's office.  This photo was clearly taken at work (using my personal phone - not company resources).  When asked to explain, I shrugged my shoulders and said, "It's a personal blog.  I do not mention you (my employer) by name.  I post to it using my phone, not your resources."

I was asked to not used my phone to post to the blog during work hours unless I was "off the clock" and my tumblr was blocked.  My employer did spend quite some time going through my tumblr and definitely got an eye full (and possibly an eye poked out).  I have no doubt they were more embarrassed than I was.

This is me, and there was some relief in learning that they now know this is me.

~*~

Last thing on the agenda for this not-so-brief update, I'm taking a ROAD TRIP a week from today.  Cam will be at camp for the week, I have rented a car and will be meeting the internet along the way.  The bulk of my time (3 days) will be spent in Nashville where ... well?  We'll see if there is a story or two to tell when I get back.

This is the (fairly) firm route.  

I'll be stopping for the night in Redneckville, AR (it's time for me to meet Jay in person and give him a boobie-squishing hug), then hopefully lunch in Memphis with Vinny Bond, Nashville for a few fine folks, then heading towards home Wednesday with a possible overnight in Indianapolis if I can find an internet friend to have dinner with me *hint*hint*

I desperately need this break - some time alone to ponder life and the direction I want it to head.  Getting my life back is finally becoming a priority again.

It's about time, don't you think?!

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Maybe?

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I'm trying to decide what to do with my little corner of the cyber world. Blogging - consistently and with any amount of interest - is more work than most people realize. I'm running out of motivation to do it well ... assuming I ever did.

I miss taking photos.

I still do not have an IEP, nor placement, for Cam for the coming school year.

I'm not giving Band Back Together the attention that I feel it deserves.

After 5 years of incompetence, my bookkeeper in Arizona was finally let go. Her work is being redistributed (I'm getting about 25% of her daily work - 100% of the problems she left behind) and I am buried ... deep ...

I need to get a second, part-time job.

It's time to prioritize and this blog currently has a negative return on investment.

Not sure if I will let it go entirely, or just take an extended break.

Time (and priorities) will tell.

You can still find me (if you are so inclined) on the twitter and on tumblr.

See ya when I see ya!

~*~*~

Anxiety is a Bitch!

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There! I said it, but it might surprise you to learn just how much anxiety has taken over basic functional parts of my life.

The new ink? There are two stories behind the ink, one of letting go (to be told on Band Back Together) and one of overwhelming anxiety - anxiety that, if it hadn't been for the insight of Aunt Becky, would have kept me from getting to letting go.


The trip with Aunt Becky to The Tattoo Factory had been planned for a while. I was her support, but I had ulterior motives. I knew I was ready to have some ink done. I picked out the Tolkien quote quite some time ago. I decided that I didn't want a flagrant ink memorial to Alan, but rather something subtle - something that wouldn't SCREAM, "Ask me about this important person in my life who died!" yet would still have significant meaning to me.

I don't want to tell Alan's story to strangers - I ... I just don't.

We got to The Tattoo Factory and I started to lose it the minute we walked through the door. I had my printed out Tolkien quote with me - there was clearly an artist who had the time to do it - and I could NOT walk to the counter to speak with him. My ass was firmly cemented to the wooden bench by the window.

My heart was pounding.

My hands were shaking.

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes just thinking about walking up to that counter.

It wasn't the ink I was anxious about. I wanted the ink. I was ready for the ink. I could not get past walking up to that counter and talking to a ... a stranger ... and I cannot give you a single logical reason for that very overwhelming physical reaction to such a non-threatening situation.

I can tell you that I deal with anxiety multiple times, every day. Sometimes it's a phone call. Sometimes it's placing an order at McDonald's. 9 times out of 10, I am able to get past the moment where the anxiety becomes debilitating. This day I was not.

Aunt Becky's artist called her back. As it turned out, Aunt Becky hadn't prepared well for this visit (imagine that - *giggle*). Although her "Shut Your Whore Mouth" t-shirt was appreciated by the staff at the shop, it made inking her impossible. I offered to run to Target and pick her up a more "ink appropriate" garment.

It gave me an excuse to flee the anxiety.

A chance to breathe.

An opportunity to slow my heart rate.

When I got back to the shop, Aunt Becky had taken it upon herself to talk to Phil about my ink - giving him the printed out Tolkien quote so that he could work up a drawing for me.

She knew.

She's been there.

Getting inked is cathartic for me. The discomfort of the pain takes me to a place where all outside stimuli is muted. I crawl into the very dark crevices of my emotional self and I feel - I really feel - something I don't allow myself to do very often.

That day? I felt the joy of having a friend who not only likes me, but has many shared life experiences and has developed a keen sense of empathy, and I felt the relief of being able to trust a friend enough to tell her the truth, even though I knew how irrational my truth was at that moment.

It was a good day ...

~*~*~