"It's one thing to read about what goes on in my head

And something entirely different to live with it every day."

I said these very words to Mike last night

Much of my waking hours are spent in a state of near-exhaustion. And at night? Uninterrupted sleep evades me.

Normal daily functioning leaves me drained. Making a phone call requires a level of concentration and determination usually reserved for tasks like proving the Pythagorean theorem. I role play the entire conversation with if/then statements, trying to anticipate every twist and turn of the conversation before it ever happens so that I insure I get the information I need while meeting social expectations. If, by chance, the person is not available and I have to leave a voice mail, my stress level dramatically increases. Each time the phone rings I fear that it is - or isn't - the person returning my call. If I answer the call and it isn't them, I don’t know what the person calling is going to want, and I don’t like not being prepared with an answer. If I answer the call and it is them, I don't know if they have the answer to my question and fear I might then be unprepared to get the information I originally called for.

If I have to talk to to someone face-to-face, it's even more tiring. It demands so much energy. I have to remind myself to look at them when they are speaking, and when I respond. I have to attempt to listen to them while insuring that I am following the "rules" of social engagement. I have to listen to their tone and watch their body language to decipher what might or might not be behind the words that I am listening to.

And all of these things are happening simultaneously.

Do you remember when computers were slow, and you'd get the Windows hour glass turning over and over again while your computer tried to launch an application? That is what my brain feels like.

I never stop thinking - planning - anticipating, even during the most mundane tasks. Before I drive to the market to pick up a few things, I think about the drive there. Which is the most efficient route? Which route has the most traffic lights? What is the traffic going to look like at this time of day. While driving, I'm anticipating speed limit changes. An escape route (from my car and from the road) should there be an accident. Did I remember my wallet? Is my debit card in my wallet? Or will I have enough cash to cover the purchase. What if I have to pay for part of my purchase in cash and part of it on my debit card? Will the cashier roll their eyes at me? Where is the best place to park so that I will be able to find my car again? Is it close to a cart corral in case I need to return a cart?

And all of this happens about 2 minutes into my drive

And it continues

Getting together with friends or attending a social event is especially challenging. I like to get out of the house and feel like I am an important part of the larger world, but then I have to think about where we are going. Is food involved? What will I eat? What will I wear? Do I look fat? Frumpy? Slutty? Inappropriate for the venue? Should I bring a jacket? A sweater? What will we talk about? How will discussions go? How will I respond if someone has had bad news? Or really good news? How will I reply if they ask me how Cameron is? How much information is too much information? Or should I just be transparent?

And all of this happens right after someone has said, "We should think about getting together."

Once firm plans are made, it gets even worse.

I have very few friends, in fact, I don't have a single friend that I talk to daily, or weekly, or even consistently once a month. It takes so much effort for me to maintain friendships. In theory, Mike "knew" what he was getting into before we started dating, although I cannot help but wonder if he'd do it all over again knowing what he knows now. I long for that comfortable space where I don’t have to think so much about everything I’m saying and doing. I envy others that feel that sense of ease throughout their day, without over-thinking and analyzing every encounter.

All of this effort and thinking and questioning and planning is overwhelming enough, but on top of that? I tend to absorb other people’s feelings.

If someone is angry, I can feel it inside. It rattles me and distracts me. It’s like the air around me is charged with the emotion they feel. The same goes for other emotions too - sadness, anxiety, frustration, disappointment. I absorb the feelings of others' like a sponge. I wrestle around with them inside me, fighting over control of my own emotions. But I always lose the fight, and my own feelings are wrestled away from me as I’m forced to exist within the anger or confusion or embarrassment of someone else. And they don’t even know this is happening. That their feelings have taken me hostage. It’s not their fault, really, so why should I tell them?

Sometimes, especially during high stress periods of my life, I turn to other things to quiet the thoughts and anxiety

Facebook games

Garbage television

Alcohol

Self-harm

And although all of these things work for a short period, in the long run they just complicate matters. I know that, yet in the moment, that immediate relief - that quest for a quiet brain - is a stronger pull than the long-term consequences

I can’t help but think that none of what I've described even comes close to really conveying what it's like inside of my head. I just don’t have the ability to put into words the complexity, ferocity, and relentlessness of my thoughts. I would change it in a heartbeat if I could. When people say, "Just relax and let it go," I wish more than anything that it would actually be possible for me to do that. To be a freer version of myself. To be able to just sit in the moment and take in only what was right there, right now.

I would still be the same me, but a better, less exhausted me.

I would like that very much.

Where did my words go?

Did I use them up on twiter in 140 character bits?

Or was it on Facebook, where I spend more time telling people to simmer down rather than actually engaging in meaningful dialog

I suppose I could have depleted them on tumblr, although I've run out of things to say there as well

Honestly?

I think Mike took my words

And listened to them

And let me know that they make a difference

And now I need nowhere else to share them

Just Write: Thugs

Having grown up in Seattle during the time when they didn't have an "American Professional Football" team, celebrating when the Kingdome was constructed and the Seahawks were finally a part of the NFC West (then later the AFC West, then back again to the NFC West), and cheering for Jim Zorn and Steve Largent like they were family members (Seattle fans have always been the 12th man), I was thrilled to see the Seahawks beat the 49ers and head to their second Super Bowl.
Enter Richard Sherman's interview with Erin Andrews ...
I have no issue with Richard Sherman. He is a 25-year old who had just made the play of a lifetime to win the game of his lifetime. He was fueled by adrenaline and competition. He was in the moment - raw and unfiltered - and gave FOX some amazing footage.
I do, however, take issue with the name callers that clogged social media.
Racial slurs and innuendos were hurled far and wide, and all that I could think was, "These are the same people who teach my son in school, who will interview him for jobs, who will watch him closely as he walks through department stores. These are the people who think these thoughts, but keep them undercover until they feel protected and fueled by the anonymity of the internet."
THUG
It was the most common word I saw used to describe Richard Sherman.
Dictionary.com defines THUG as:

a cruel or vicious ruffian, robber, or murderer

Richard Sherman is an American Professional Football player, not a cruel or vicious ruffian, robber, or murderer.
One has to wonder if the same word would have been used to describe J.R. Sweezy or Zach Miller had they had similar post-game interviews.
My heart tells me no - they would have been seen as "intense" and "competitive".
Do not be fooled, racism is alive and well, society has just gotten much better at keeping it to themselves ...
At least until they have the protection of anonymity on the internet.
And that hurts my heart.
~*~*~
In an attempt to revive this blog, I've decided to participate in Heather King's "Just Write" campaign:

Write whatever is happening around you WHILE you are writing (sometimes that’s the very best) OR whatever DETAILS you remember about your day or a specific recent-ish experience.

Next, try not to clarify or explain what you want to speak through your post too much. (Try not to force a theme or message.) Just write your experiences. What did you: See? Smell? Touch? Feel? Hear? What did it make you think?

Then watch how your ordinary and extraordinary experiences speak all on their own. That’s it!

A special thank you to Jana for continuing to blog and inspiring me to attempt to get back to the platform that was (and still is) my first love.