A Picture Can Speak A Word Or Two

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This picture is fairly significant.

Why?

Well, because it's likely the last photo you'll see of me taken with my trusty, loaner LG EnV3 (I just checked - the Droid X2 - my very first smart phone - is on the FedEx vehicle for delivery).

AND ... (this is a biggie, that's why my AND is in all caps) ...

It is one of the last times you'll see me with all of this hair!

See? A strange thing happened.  I had this haircut

about 4 ... maybe 5 years ago. It was the first time in decades (literally) that I had worn my hair short. I liked it - it was easy to style - it was sassy - and I was frequently complimented on it.

Then I started gaining back all of the weight I had worked so had to lose, and as I did, my hair got longer and longer.

My self confidence waned - I just wanted to hide my face - and although I will admit to plucking the occasional chin hair, I wasn't able to grow a full beard to accomplish face hiding.

It wasn't intentional - definitely a subconscious thought - but when I was asked recently why I quit wearing my hair short - why I was hiding my face (not the exact words, he might have used "pretty" somewhere in there) - that little cartoon-ish light bulb lit up above my head and I realized that was exactly what I was doing.

Tonight, at 5:00, I have an appointment at the salon. I'll be going back to sassy me, highlights and all.

This year is about learning to take care of myself. Treating myself as well as I treat others.  Allowing myself the occasional want instead of requiring everything to be a need before I designate myself worthy of having it (and sometimes, not even then).  It's about taking care of myself - physically and emotionally.

It's about balance.

Balance that I lost over three years ago and haven't made a priority to regain.

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Opening Lines 2011

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I could have sworn I've done this in the past, but I'll be dammed if I can find it.  Oh well, that won't stop me from doing it this year!
*shamelessly stolen from Os*

JANUARY - I've often thought the whole New Year's celebration thing was highly overrated (Where I waxed poetic about a TO-DO list rather than New Year's Resolutions).

FEBRUARY - Hey! Where have y'all been? What? Y'all have been around, but I haven't? Maybe if I had a pair of Chuck Norris' ACTION JEANS I'd be kicking ass and taking names, but alas, my pajama jeans aren't having the same effect (Continuing struggles with Cam).

MARCH - That he's not 18 yet?? It seems like it was forever ago that he was this adorable little ball of fluff - drooling and dripping all over me (My standard March 1st blog post).

APRIL - I fear that if I let you inside the walls you'll find nothing in there that you'll want (Sunday secret).

MAY - There! I said it, but it might surprise you to learn just how much anxiety has taken over basic functional parts of my life (Where I discuss my inability to talk to strangers).

JUNE - [...] (When blogging started getting really thin last year)

JULY - It's been a while, hasn't it?  What I though would be a few weeks away from the blog turned into over two months away from the blog (Obviously when I came back).

AUGUST - I have been an organ donor since getting my license (over 3 decades), have been a regular blood donor since turning 18 and pay an extra $25 per year to have a Donor Awareness license plate on my car, proceeds helping support organ/tissue donor awareness efforts across the state (Where I encouraged everyone to explore Be The Match registry).

SEPTEMBER - [...] (Another blogging gap)

OCTOBER - I've stopped wandering and am officially lost having pushed away all who cared making sure my greatest fear became a reality (Sunday secret).

NOVEMBER - Every day I hope my demons will never turn into your demons (yet another Sunday secret).

DECEMBER - I have an aunt and uncle who are very dear to me ... far more like parents than my own parents were (Sharing a piece of a handwritten letter from my uncle).

After reading Emmy's A Rant And A Challenge post, I'm going to try to get back here more frequently.

Yes ... I know ... I think I said those very same words at least 7.2 times last year, but maybe they'll stick this time.

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HNT - The Finale

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"For good and evil, man is a free creative spirit.
This produces the very queer world we live in,
a world in continuous creation and therefore
continuous change and insecurity."
~ Joyce Cary

Well?  All good things must come to an end, right?  No, not the blog (yet) but HNT ...

What started out as my selfish, passive-aggressive attempt at internet validation in February of 2008 became so much more

A reflection of self

Documentation of life events

Personal insight

A chance to express myself creatively

I've had a love/hate relationship with HNT ... and with myself ... and my photos have often reflected that (current status --> HATE myself)

In the almost 4 years since I first dabbled in the HNT nekkidness, I finished losing - then regained - 100 lbs. I fence sat in a marriage that needed to (and eventually did) end. Cam got his learner's permit. I joined twitter and tumblr. I dealt with cyber stalking. Cam struggled in public school, was then placed in a therapeutic day school and is now (as of January 2nd) back at the public school

And I've made many, many friends - several who were initially connected to HNT in some way (participants, oglers, etc.) who later became friends in real life. There happens to be one of those oglers who has recently become a very special part of my life. The ripples of HNT reach far and long

Hindsight being what it is, HNT was never really about perfection or traditional beauty (although at times it felt that way) - it was about community and learning to see the beauty in every person who was a part of that diverse community

I'm so glad I stumbled upon HNT

And I'm a little sad to see it go

*NOTE* Os put together a fabulous tribute to HNT [HERE]  It contains the words and photos of many who participated along the way. Worth taking a long ogle at

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