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There were quite a few opinionated well thought out comments on my Birds, Bees and Purity post on Monday - comments that really seemed to indicate (generally) quite a negative association with religion and sex - comments that indicated (to me) a place of judgment.
I need to touch on a few things that either made me feel defensive (as those are often the most important comments) or that hit a nerve because I already struggle with the conflict they bring up.
Let's start this with a bit of clarification on the Purity Promises. Cam and I decided to pick three that we wanted to work on - three that were important to us and our goals. I wrote out a Parenting Promise in partnership with his Purity Promise (not anything that was required by the conference, it just seemed to make sense) and signed my Parenting Promises.
In case you are curious, this is how it went ...
CAM: I strive to keep my thought life pure by developing a habit of prayer and Bible study.
ME: I strive to develop a habit of prayer and Bible study with my son.
CAM: I strive to watch only PG rated movies that honor God, genders and the gift of sex.
ME: I strive to set a good example by watching only movies that honor God, genders and the gift of sex and commit to communicating with parents who may have Cam at their home our family movie guidelines.
CAM: I commit to having an open and honest Internet accountability partnership with my parents.
ME: I commit to enforcing an open and honest Internet accountability partnership with Cam - monitoring chats and Internet usage, and enforcing consequences for misuse.
This isn't about me throwing Cam under the bus - setting him up for failure - or assuming Cam’s signature on a Purity Promise gives me immunity from parenting. No, this is about setting priorities and goals for my family (that make sense to us and may seem "silly" to you). This is about involving as many positive influences in Cam's life as I can possibly find.
Part of the weekend conference involved a panel discussion - three married couples who answered questions written by the kids. The three married couples included one couple on their second marriage with "checkered" sexual pasts, one couple who each had a handful of sexual partners prior to their marriage and one couple who remained virgins until they were married (and are currently in their mid-thirties, attractive and I'm guessing had many opportunities to lose their virginity prior to marriage).
Questions included things like, "What does sex feel like?" and "Shouldn't you get a test run to make sure you are sexually compatible?" What might surprise you is that these questions were answered honestly - even the ones that contradicted the purity concept. Sex was never said to be bad, evil or wrong - just something that was best saved for marriage. No one is claiming abstinence is the only way, or that you'll go to hell and be damned forever if you have sex before marriage, but rather giving examples of why abstinence should be the goal. Somehow, I don't think that is such a terrible thing.
Buff, one of my faithful commenters, mentioned yesterday that I might get myself in trouble with the "Do as I say, not as I do" lifestyle I have led. I wanted toreach out and strangle him attempt to explain my position. I answer TMI questions based on my past as they are most often “Have you ever …” questions, and it is just that - my past. Although I am open and honest with my thoughts and actions, that doesn’t mean I am always proud of the person I was and continue to sometimes be. I am often ashamed and embarrassed by my past, and for good reason. However, that doesn't mean that I will raise my son from the standpoint of setting expectations based on my past. I just can't. Hypocritical? I'm sure many of you would say yes, but I don't believe so. Hypocrites judge, and although I might set a high standard for my son, I will not pass judgment on his actions should he struggle – or fail - along the way.
Isn't that what healthy and responsible parenting is about? Setting goals, expectations and boundaries for your child(ren), determining (with them) how to achieve them, then "walking the talk" by their side, and with as many helpful hands as you can find? Being there to praise their success as well as to help them up should they stumble? Do I fail in my parenting goals on occasion? More than just on occasion! Do I resort to what is easy rather than what is “necessary and good” sometimes? That would get a yes too! But I each and every day I try to do better, and I expect the same from Cam.
I need to touch on a few things that either made me feel defensive (as those are often the most important comments) or that hit a nerve because I already struggle with the conflict they bring up.
Let's start this with a bit of clarification on the Purity Promises. Cam and I decided to pick three that we wanted to work on - three that were important to us and our goals. I wrote out a Parenting Promise in partnership with his Purity Promise (not anything that was required by the conference, it just seemed to make sense) and signed my Parenting Promises.
In case you are curious, this is how it went ...
CAM: I strive to keep my thought life pure by developing a habit of prayer and Bible study.
ME: I strive to develop a habit of prayer and Bible study with my son.
CAM: I strive to watch only PG rated movies that honor God, genders and the gift of sex.
ME: I strive to set a good example by watching only movies that honor God, genders and the gift of sex and commit to communicating with parents who may have Cam at their home our family movie guidelines.
CAM: I commit to having an open and honest Internet accountability partnership with my parents.
ME: I commit to enforcing an open and honest Internet accountability partnership with Cam - monitoring chats and Internet usage, and enforcing consequences for misuse.
This isn't about me throwing Cam under the bus - setting him up for failure - or assuming Cam’s signature on a Purity Promise gives me immunity from parenting. No, this is about setting priorities and goals for my family (that make sense to us and may seem "silly" to you). This is about involving as many positive influences in Cam's life as I can possibly find.
Part of the weekend conference involved a panel discussion - three married couples who answered questions written by the kids. The three married couples included one couple on their second marriage with "checkered" sexual pasts, one couple who each had a handful of sexual partners prior to their marriage and one couple who remained virgins until they were married (and are currently in their mid-thirties, attractive and I'm guessing had many opportunities to lose their virginity prior to marriage).
Questions included things like, "What does sex feel like?" and "Shouldn't you get a test run to make sure you are sexually compatible?" What might surprise you is that these questions were answered honestly - even the ones that contradicted the purity concept. Sex was never said to be bad, evil or wrong - just something that was best saved for marriage. No one is claiming abstinence is the only way, or that you'll go to hell and be damned forever if you have sex before marriage, but rather giving examples of why abstinence should be the goal. Somehow, I don't think that is such a terrible thing.
Buff, one of my faithful commenters, mentioned yesterday that I might get myself in trouble with the "Do as I say, not as I do" lifestyle I have led. I wanted to
Isn't that what healthy and responsible parenting is about? Setting goals, expectations and boundaries for your child(ren), determining (with them) how to achieve them, then "walking the talk" by their side, and with as many helpful hands as you can find? Being there to praise their success as well as to help them up should they stumble? Do I fail in my parenting goals on occasion? More than just on occasion! Do I resort to what is easy rather than what is “necessary and good” sometimes? That would get a yes too! But I each and every day I try to do better, and I expect the same from Cam.
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Anyone remember this song? I might have one or two readers that can recall the words. For some silly reason this song has become an earworm for me since I wrote Monday's post and I'm hoping that if I share, it will find a new home in someone elses head!
The Birds And The Bees - Sam Cooke
The Birds And The Bees - Sam Cooke
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