Second, I finished up my first Picture Fiction Challenge project and it is ready to post on Wednesday. I am Last but not least, I thought I'd share a little background on the issues surrounding a few of my recent Sunday Secrets. I don't often talk about my family situation on this blog (at least not directly), but I'm thinking there just might be a few of you out there that not only can identify with my situation, but may even have some words of wisdom.
My family is a "blended" one. Husband and I have known each other for over 20 years, but have been in a "relationship" for just the last five years, and married just short of two years. Although we don't have any ours kids, we do have some his and hers kids. On husband's side, T1 is 20 years old, the bio son of ex-wife that husband adopted when T1 was 10. We also have D2 (13), bio daughter of husband and ex-wife. On my side we've got C3 (12), my bio son from a previous relationship.
"Blended" marriages/families are far more of a challenge than I ever imagined. They require that you take all of those ideas you've learned throughout life about what a marriage is and throw them out. Whomever said, "Love will conquer all" never had to deal with a blended family. We've got ALL of the struggles usually common in marriages coupled with a
We've had a difficult year. Both husband and I experienced a job loss - his in May of 2007 (he was unemployed for almost 4 months) and mine in November, however our biggest struggle has been in defining parenting relationships in regards to C3. As you may recall from a previous Sunday Secret, C3's father died about three years ago. C3 never met his father, although he did speak with him on the phone two or three times. Due to the non-existence of a father figure, husband has taken it upon himself to fill that spot. An admirable undertaking, but one that has been volatile at best - not because of any resistance by C3, but because husband's expectations and demands of C3 are far greater than his demands and expectations of T1 and D2. Husband also refuses to acknowledge C3's Asperger Syndrome (autism spectrum) diagnosis and would prefer to believe C3 is jusy "lazy."
Most recently, this manifested in parenting actions that crossed that proverbial "acceptable" line. Although I'm not comfortable sharing the nitty-gritty details, I will say that this was a serious breach of safety in the home - safety C3 deserves to expect but that was violated. Having grown up in a home where similar behaviors were tolerated, I knew that I had to do something about this now.
Of course, husband has shown a great deal of remorse, but that remorse has been sprinkled with bits of justification. In my world, there is no justification for what happened. I did something I never do - I gave an ultimatum.
In a manner beyond calm, I explained to husband that this must NEVER happen again, and that if it did there would be no discussion about the next step - C3 and I would leave immediately. I also demanded (yes, I really did!) that we begin family counseling immediately or again, C3 and I would need to leave, as I was concerned for his safety. Within three days, we were in the office of a family counselor and we continue with weekly visits.
I don't know where this will lead. Some days I think I will never be able to forgive husband's actions, other days I think I may be able to move beyond what I feel to be his ultimate betrayal, but I know that I will never forget what happened. I feel a great deal of anger (at husband) and guilt (at me) and no longer feel confident that I'm always doing the right thing. This week, I'll have the opportunity to sort through my own thoughts without having to deal with husband's thoughts. I see it as an opportunity to gain clarity and I plan to use it to my advantage.
