When Honesty Backfires

A day after posting my "Me Too" post, I received this text from someone I consider a dear friend: 

Now, just so everyone is clear, I don't care if this friend - or any of you reading this blog - think Kavanaugh is being railroaded. That's your opinion. Quite frankly, I don't know what happened. It's difficult, especially in the political arena, to get a straight answer from anyone. What I do know is that Kavanaugh has a lot to lose if this accusation is true (as well as infinite financial backing to insure it isn't "true"), and Blasey Ford has already lost everything just by reporting this. I will also say that if it can be proven that she has made a false statement? She should be prosecuted.

What bothered me most about this text was not that we have differing opinions (we often do), but that the way this was presented minimized and dismissed my story.

Although the statute of limitations ran out long ago on my "date rape", if I had to prosecute it or try to get someone to believe that my story was true? I guarantee I would NOT be successful. No one can corroborate my story. I have no doubt he would claim it never happened. And then? I'd be victimized not only by my rapist (that is so hard to type), but by the judicial system as well.

There are a million reasons someone would wait 35 years to report. Just check out the twitter hashtag #WhyIDidntReport and you'll see what we have been told (not just women, but men too) - what society has shown us about our worth. 

Rape is our fault - we dressed provocatively- we were asking for it - rape doesn't happen to big/fat/ugly girls - we are ashamed - we were young - we did tell someone and they didn't believe us - we were drinking/drunk - we thought this never happened to anyone else - it was a family member.

And then? Ask yourself why, in a he said/she said situation regarding sexual assault, do people (generally) believe the accused and not the accuser? 

Many of us have seen this too many times to put ourselves out there - to report a sexual assault. What is the benefit to us? Additional shame and embarrassment? I think I'll pass ...

I will ask all of you to not leave nasty comments about this friend. We are working our way through this. We are making progress. This is the latest text I received:

*UPDATE* We had a wonderful (and healing) talk yesterday and all is well - VERY well!!

Me too

I’ve avoided this topic/trend - I didn’t want to come across as a victim, even though I was

I was date raped when I was 19. This is the FIRST time I’ve ever told anyone about this (*waves* Hi Internet!!) - it’s been 35 years

I went out to dinner with a guy I met at school. We actually had a good dinner date. When it was time to go home, he wouldn’t take me home, instead he took me to his apartment

I didn’t know what to do. He picked me up from my house. I had no transportation - no way to get home

It was “that time of the month” He forced himself into me even though I was using a tampon 

I stopped saying “no” when it was clear that “no” wasn’t going to be honored. I figured it would be over more quickly if I just laid there pretending it wasn’t happening

This was before cell phones - I had no access to an “out” - I eventually walked the 4 miles home at 2 AM (after he fell asleep) - I cried all the way

This was a time when it was assumed that women were in a perpetual state of consent. If a man wanted it, the woman consented. And for goodness sake - I was 6′ tall and probably 200+ lbs - how does someone my size get raped. Let's get real … no one would have believed me ... I knew that ... even then. Worse yet? I felt like I deserved it. That I dressed to provocatively - that I wasn't more forceful trying to get him to stop - that I din't drive myself. There is so much guilt ...

This thing with Brett Kavanaugh has brought up emotions I thought I had locked away 3+ decades ago

I guess I didn’t