I constantly compare myself to others - physically - emotionally - professionally, and it is destructive.
Comparing myself to others often results in a "not good enough" conclusion and lately I've found that my parenting is the comparison du jour.
Cam is in his junior year of high school. This is a time where parents often talk about ACT/SAT scores, what colleges their kids will be attending, how successful their kids will be. How well our kids do in school seems to be the primary way we measure ourselves as parents.
That's a broken barometer for anyone who has a child who struggles academically in school.
Cam will likely not take the ACT/SAT. He probably won't attend a 4-year university, in fact, it will be nothing short of a miracle if I can talk him into a 2-year college or trade school program.
I often feel I am measured far more on his perceived failures than I am on his successes.
At least I do when I compare myself to other parents.
I don't measure up.
His "failures" must be a result of my parenting.
It's the only logical conclusion ...
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16 comments:
I agree, comparing ourselves with others is a dead-end street. I find myself doing it constantly, and it's really hard to stop. For what it's worth, I think you're a great mom. You put so much time and effort into communicating with him and with getting the best educational program you can for him. Have a great Sunday!
His academics is not really on you.
I hope you come to realize that. There is only so much you as a parent can do.
Plus, think about all the things so many people in our society have done successfully that were not college graduates (or even college attendees). Your son could be that.
And even if he is not, hopefully, he will be doing things that make him happy and make him feel that you are proud of him.
Traditional school is not the best measure for some. The key for me is to help them find something they love to do and encourage them in it. Them help them get through the schooling. Sounds like he's almost made it through. You and he are to be congratulated. (And honestly, the way things are going -- having a college degree is not necessarily they best route to job security.)
And if he never goes to college, it might better for him if he struggles academically. There are a lot of people in college that shouldn't be here. They do well on the ACT/SAT, but their work ethics suck.
So, I do think that measuring your/his competency based on school is a very bad idea. I think we're too focused on academic achievement as a society when there are other things people are good at, too, like creating things, communicating with people, cooking, and other things ^_^.
I worked in the Career Center at my local high school for years, and I can tell you that you're not alone. Every parent I talked to with a child who wasn't interested in 4-year or 2-year post high school instruction felt like they failed. I'll tell you what I told them. You only fail when you don't respect the wishes of your child. You only fail when you don't set the options in front of your child, and let them choose which road to follow. You're only a failure when you control your child into doing what they are not ready for. If more education is right for your child, he will come to that conclusion with gentle guidance from you, his loving parent, when he is ready and not before. Forcing in every scenario I witnessed at the high school resulted in failure on the part of both the child and parent. It's painful to watch. I wish you the best. Love the job you did with your son, and he'll love you for it. :) ...Sandra
I have often said I am so glad my son isn't the same age as so & so. But that doesn't exactly work because people will still refer unsolicited, when my son was that age such and such. It's very annoying. So I understand what you mean even though at the moment I am recalling the comments to potty training - but I know what you mean.
P.S. It's not your fault mom.
I feel as if I could have written this myself! My kid is struggling and I keep thinking that it's all my fault! Please know, it is NOT your fault! Hopefully the bestsolution will come but please don't feel bad!
My oldest daughter is not as old as your son, but she is one who struggles in a traditional school setting. I know what it's like to blame yourself for your children and their academic successes or failures.
Try to be gentle with yourself... easier said than done, but it's really not your fault. Lots of people never go to college, or never graduate college, and they have perfectly happy and successful lives.
those last 2 sentences sum me up completely. i feel you, even though i don't have kids in high school yet...
We are always so hard on ourselves ... instead of it is what it is, we work on the it is what I make it ... this does not always ring true xxx
(what I make OF it ... now there is a thought!)
Tracy Dee, Awwww ... thank you! Logically I know that I'm not a terrible mom, I just wish it felt better to parent. It's like I can never get it just right.
a.eye, Let me be clear, I am proud of him, and will continue to be. He is an amazing young man, but in ways that aren't reflective of "traditional" measurements.
SouthMainMuse, Music is his passion, and it's something that he excels at. And honestly? Right now it is the one thing keeping him in school. I am grateful he has that!
Unie, Agreed, not everyone is cut out for college. In fact, I was one of those kids myself and after dropping out of the university after my first year, finally went back at 40 and completed my degree. I'd much rather he realize that college isn't for him that to be beaten down by doing something he'd rather not do.
Sandra, What's interesting is that I am not terribly bothered by his lack of enthusiasm for post-secondary education. Based on his experiences in the public school system, I'd have been surprised if he was all "YES! I want to go to college!" I just wish that I didn't feel so compelled to have a kid that met other people's expectations.
Kenya G. Johnson, Potty training and college have far more in common than it might appear at first glance ;)
Rachee Fagg, I just don't want to let him down, I think that is my greatest fear. I tend to be somewhat of a "free-range" parent - allowing for natural consequences. I just hope that my parenting has taught him the right things - the skills he'll need to be successful.
Heather O, And some of it is not self-imposed. I've had educators, after learning that I am a single parent, say things like "Oh! THAT'S why he struggles!" or, "That explains a lot!" It's tough to hear that kind of stuff and not blame yourself at some level.
Erin, Right? There are plenty of people who are willing to push you out in front of the parental guilt train ... just in case you haven't jumped out their on your own.
Nicole, I might have to try on the "It is what I make of it" mantra and see how that feels :)
It hurts me that you've had educators blame you!
Perhaps music is in his future!!
You never know about the trade schooling Dana..
My brother and I are both ADD, and we're able to do successful schooling.. First, you need to see what he is interested in, then see if there's a school around that teaches it.
For me, it was computers. Yes, there are classes that I could care less about, but when you think about the potential good you can do with the schooling, you learn to deal with the distractions.
Once that's done, he can conquer anything!
Here's wishing y'all the best!
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