I hadn't really thought much about it. If I look at myself in the mirror, it isn't usually to see how I look, it is to remind myself of how ugly I am.
"My nose is too big," "I have a chin like Jay Leno" and
"I better be sure to always face the camera head-on because my profile is hideous." Don't let me catch a glimpse of my entire body ...
"God I'm such a pig," "It's no wonder people don't like me, I'm a big fat ugly cow" and
"I really should be ashamed to hang out with normal people because it just makes me look even fatter."It's not just my appearance. Spelling error on twitter?
"I'm such a idiot!" A blog post where it's clear I'm not getting my point across?
"If I were a half-way decent writer people might get what I'm saying!" A mistake at work?
"Some day they are just going to fire my stupid ass!"I don't know when I started doing this, but I do know it's been decades ago.
I distinctly remember taking private clarinet lessons when I was 14, and after screwing up a rather difficult passage saying (out loud), "Dana! You are so stupid! Can't you do anything right?" I also remember the look of horror on my teacher's face when he made me stop and said, "Do you always talk to yourself in the third person like that?"
It was the very same day that I started internallized those dialogs - saying them silently to myself after discovering it wasn't OK to say them out loud. And they got louder ... and stronger ...
They never go away.
Sometimes they yell and scream at me telling me how worthless I am. How ugly I am. How it's no wonder no one wants me.
Sometimes they are a more quite, persistent voice reminding me that there will always be people prettier, skinnier, smarter and more desirable than I ever will be.
They are the words that tell me people only make nice comments my HNT pics out of politeness. The words that remind me I don't deserve to be happy. The words that won't let me forget that I am worthless and will never be special.
They are seldom quiet.
They are never nice.
Am I begging for compliments? No ... in fact I'm hoping this might explain why your compliments are seldom heard even when you do make them. You see, the words - the messages inside my head? They talk far louder than all y'all ever could. They have over 30 years of practice.
But you know what? I'm tired of listening to those words - words that I would never speak to anyone but myself. Words that I wouldn't even dare
think about anyone else.
It's a very bad habit and one I'm struggling to put behind me. For now? I avoid looking in mirrors, choosing instead to walk with my head down when I think there is a possibility of catching a glimpse of my reflection. It's not a cure, but at least it's a start.
I've been trying to do a few nice things for myself. Very small things but things that remind me that I have value. It's amazing what a difference just buying moisturizing soap and a bath poof can do. Up until about two weeks ago I used Irish Spring. Irish Spring that made me sneeze and dried out my skin terribly. Why? Because it was the soap Cam likes and I really wasn't worth spending the extra $4 on to get something that I liked. I could get by. I don't deserve special treatment.
Or do I?
Which voice wins?
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