tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post6812278857446186174..comments2023-07-12T06:23:31.852-07:00Comments on <center>Amid Life's Crises</center>: A Man in the House is Worth Two in the Bush?Danahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05427053242655177097noreply@blogger.comBlogger26125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-11655243123189885242008-12-16T20:37:00.000-08:002008-12-16T20:37:00.000-08:00I agree with you that two parents are preferable t...I agree with you that two parents are preferable to one...in the sense that it means that there is support for each parent. I cannot tell you how many times I turned to Emmy for support with our children. (I must confess I turned to her more than she turned to me) Many hands make light work.<BR/><BR/>But, as for a male role-model? That I am not so sure about. I'm not saying it is wrong, but I'm not sure it is right either. I would argue it is more important that a child sees a loving, supportive, healthy relationship between two people than it is to see a "man."<BR/><BR/>But, I could be wrong. I try to model the loving relationship.Brian Gardeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15786639309366228473noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-89783064609338714492008-12-16T08:18:00.000-08:002008-12-16T08:18:00.000-08:00I think the last sentence says it all and says it ...I think the last sentence says it all and says it well.Lu'https://www.blogger.com/profile/11278553170295772582noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-75083513051111118362008-12-16T07:13:00.000-08:002008-12-16T07:13:00.000-08:00Dana:Coming from the viewpoint of a single deadbea...Dana:<BR/><BR/>Coming from the viewpoint of a single deadbeat dad who is now the primary caretaker of three kids, I can actually say that I understand EXACTLY what you're talking about.<BR/><BR/>There are days where I don't know who these kids are. <BR/><BR/>They come home from their weekly visit at their biological mom's house, and are complete and utter terrors.<BR/><BR/>It's times like these when I become the complete buttwipe of a dad, and total killjoy for everything fun and rousing in a child's life.<BR/><BR/>Why? Because the boundaries have been completely wiped out in the two and a half days they were with mom, and they need to be put back up in order for them to function at school, in public, and at home.<BR/><BR/>Do I like being the "bad guy"? Do I want them to think of me as only having the stick, and never the carrot?<BR/><BR/>No. <BR/><BR/>But I also think that they understand where I'm coming from, and can appreciate the order that eventually comes through the chaos.<BR/><BR/>When two parents can agree on a course of action, it's great.<BR/><BR/>However, if only one is willing to step up and take action, at least there's some action being taken.<BR/><BR/>Now, that's not to say that I don't try to get out and do special things with the kids.. I try to get at least one or two "personal" days with each kid in a month.. But as far as I can tell, I'd rather make sure the rules are solidly in place before I agree to let them run wild.<BR/><BR/>That's just a personal preference of mine, and probably one that has been influenced on me from my upbringing.. What little there was.Jormengrundhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11513869926202626970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-59543173960792777142008-12-16T04:22:00.000-08:002008-12-16T04:22:00.000-08:00Having a man in the house who is selfish, unprotec...Having a man in the house who is selfish, unprotective and gives condional love is no better than having a man in the house period...<BR/><BR/>If your happy then everyone around you will be happy.<BR/>Laters<BR/><BR/>NiceyNiceyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09140066070165636283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-1391423875068273272008-12-15T22:35:00.000-08:002008-12-15T22:35:00.000-08:00Sorry to hear you didnt have the best experience s...Sorry to hear you didnt have the best experience starting out as a mom....I can't imagine not having loved ones around for me to lean on, let alone my children. Maybe you have become a better person because of it. You have a lot of life experiences to share with us, and I am sure there are people that appreciate it! (do I dare admit to being one of those people?? Hmmmmmmmm)gottaluvme3https://www.blogger.com/profile/16144584320455540062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-13560103928815952252008-12-15T20:59:00.000-08:002008-12-15T20:59:00.000-08:00I agree with you. And I really liked what Rage sa...I agree with you. And I really liked what Rage said.<BR/><BR/>While I was married to the father of my children, he was never a 'dad'. He lived in our house. The birth of my son was actually the initial demise of our marriage (long story).<BR/><BR/>I'm not married to someone who cares much more for them and shows much more interest in actually being their "DAD"....but they are less responsive bc he has taken somewhat of a disciplinarian role that my ex never took with them.<BR/><BR/>*sigh*Vixenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07295575995939125741noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-1502464569183525162008-12-15T18:17:00.000-08:002008-12-15T18:17:00.000-08:00I think it's just important to do the best you can...I think it's just important to do the best you can, irregardless of whom you do or don't have in the household.ragehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06983729666150401903noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-16274829893137635622008-12-15T15:49:00.000-08:002008-12-15T15:49:00.000-08:00Boo, I didn't take it as a lecture *wink* Cam and...<B>Boo,</B> I didn't take it as a lecture *wink* Cam and I are becoming more involved with our church and I hope this affords him the opportunity for additional role models. We participate in a service project at the church on the second Saturday of each month and this often takes us places where there are many opportunities for Cam.<BR/><BR/><B>Doomed,</B> sometimes it just takes a little reality check and reorganization.<BR/><BR/><B>Flyinfox,</B> I believe husband thought he could "fix" Cam - that the issues stemmed from poor parenting on my part. Now that he sees this isn't "fixable" he seems to have given up.Danahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05427053242655177097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-8994914337480532222008-12-15T15:37:00.000-08:002008-12-15T15:37:00.000-08:00Corky, that's what I am hoping for - and actively ...<B>Corky,</B> that's what I am hoping for - and actively seeking!<BR/><BR/><B>Karen,</B> I do know you are not judging, and I know that your upbringing was far different than mine (or Cam's). I do appreciate your comments on this as it helps me better gauge what others have experienced as "normal."<BR/><BR/><B>Jeff,</B> I feel a HUGE responsibility to help him fill that emptiness- not just with my love, but from the love of others as well.Danahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05427053242655177097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-33505291808961926762008-12-15T15:34:00.000-08:002008-12-15T15:34:00.000-08:00Jay, my fear is that being ignored is what Cam is ...<B>Jay,</B> my fear is that being ignored is what Cam is facing daily now. Being invisible is never a good thing for a child.<BR/><BR/><B>Bond,</B> actually, the church (my church) is becoming my focus now. I have reached out to them - baring all of the "shame" - and am hoping to find some additional resources there.<BR/><BR/><B>Slick,</B> husband does have some good qualities (as is the reason I am still here), I just don't know that he is capable of filling the void in Cam's life.Danahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05427053242655177097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-85553182717067703512008-12-15T15:30:00.000-08:002008-12-15T15:30:00.000-08:00Modernswinger, your soapbox is well placed and wel...<B>Modernswinger,</B> your soapbox is well placed and well received. Poor parenting is in no way limited to fathers - I learn daily of more and more mothers that qualify as "deadbeats." Sex (protected or unprotected) really must take into consideration an unplanned pregnancy.<BR/><BR/><B>Breve,</B> I am actually seeing the results of the lack of a good male role model in a girl's life with my step daughter. She, too, is a victim of conditional love from husband.<BR/><BR/><B>Knight,</B> I am now exploring other options for male role models for Cam. It's not a place I saw myself in 5 years ago, but I can see the necessity of it now.Danahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05427053242655177097noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-60719052069638151472008-12-15T12:22:00.000-08:002008-12-15T12:22:00.000-08:00I do hope you find some common ground for everyone...I do hope you find some common ground for everyone involved. I've served as male role model for a few kids because I have understood the importance AND the magnitude of lending such a presence in their lives. Makes me mad when a father withholds child support money because he knows the mother doesn't have time to keep the house clean and doesn't have the $ to hire a lawyer to prosecute the deadbeat. The list goes on. I just do what I can for the fatherless kids.Nolens Volenshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15036305398084993224noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-59585983062702919732008-12-15T12:03:00.000-08:002008-12-15T12:03:00.000-08:00My husband grew up with two parents but his father...My husband grew up with two parents but his father placed that "conditional" type of love on him so I know of what you speak. I grew up with no father but a very promiscuous and tired single mother. I don't know which is better. It's a tough argument. <BR/><BR/>I know we all have good reasons for doing the things we do and I can totally understand why you would marry your husband. It sounds to me like you give the situation a lot of thought and don't just stay because it's easier than leaving.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-4681871208185968122008-12-15T10:43:00.000-08:002008-12-15T10:43:00.000-08:00Being a single mom, but with an involved dad in th...Being a single mom, but with an involved dad in the picture, I feel for you, Dana. I really do.Anndihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08703154815958841195noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-40636656168707441452008-12-15T10:26:00.000-08:002008-12-15T10:26:00.000-08:00Dana,I agree with most of what you wrote but much ...Dana,<BR/><BR/>I agree with most of what you wrote but much of the blame does go to the would be father figure.<BR/><BR/>My wife was a single parent of 3 boys. One of which is autistic. I knew going into this relationship that this was a package deal. I had to make that decision and stick to it. I love my step-sons as if they were my own. Discipline and all. Bottom line is that it all started with me. If I wasn't totally committed to my wife then I would have made the decision to not make her my wife.<BR/><BR/>Sounds (and maybe I am wrong here) like Hubby would have taken you...sans Cam. And that simply should not have been part of the deal. So, true...he should not take all of the blame but a really good portion of it should be his because of the decisions (and the inconsistencies in those decisions) he has made.<BR/><BR/>Just my 2 cents....I could be wrong.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-74835265318902831152008-12-15T10:22:00.001-08:002008-12-15T10:22:00.001-08:00I think that you have accessed your challenge for ...I think that you have accessed your challenge for your family with much thought. I wish you the best in solving or improving the serious issue that you and Cam and your family face.we're doomedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08315508168842771048noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-4940487298833875102008-12-15T10:22:00.000-08:002008-12-15T10:22:00.000-08:00Parenting is hard, no matter how you slice it. You...Parenting is hard, no matter how you slice it. You've had some tough circumstances to work with, but it seems to me that you've been raising Cam as best as you've been able to. That's all any parent can do. Love them, do your best, reach out when you need help. If husband cannot or will not provide him with the role model he needs, help him one that will. Mentors often come from surprising places, in unexpected forms. You don't need Big Brothers to hand you a mentor - just go down to the local food bank (or retirement home, or hospital, etc), and start volunteering regularly with Cam. Give him the opportunities, with your eyes watching over him, to find himself a mentor. A man to respect and emulate, for all the right reasons. <BR/>Talk to the homeless men you pass when you are out together. Ask them their stories, how they got to where they are at. Let him absorb these things naturally. <BR/><BR/>Why am I lecturing you? You don't need a lecture. You weren't asking for advice, just thinking with your fingers. <BR/><BR/>I don't know if you've addressed the issue on your blog or not, if you have I've missed it, but how much does Cam know of his birth story? Does he know the reality of his biological father? Do you think it is/can be/will be an obstacle to him finding the mentor he needs? <BR/><BR/>You're a good Mum, with your kid's best interests at heart. We all make mistakes, and we all fall down. You just gotta pick yourself back up, dust yourself off, and try again.boohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08136675123443006529noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-80306752974540729642008-12-15T10:20:00.000-08:002008-12-15T10:20:00.000-08:00For better or worse, we tend to emulate those that...For better or worse, we tend to emulate those that either raise us or are the closest to us during our youth. I hope Cam will be able to see past the emptiness he is apparently finding with his father and rise above it as he becomes a man himself.Jeff Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10978944708950054312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-54965648705974469662008-12-15T09:43:00.000-08:002008-12-15T09:43:00.000-08:00I really don't think that any man is better than n...I really don't think that any man is better than no man. A 2 parent, mom and dad, home is ideal. But that is not to say that single mom or dad couldn't raise a fabulous child. <BR/><BR/>I am really saddened by your statment that your husband doesn't give unconditional love. I am not sure I could endure a life with a partner who couldn't love me unconditionally. And it has to impossible for a child to understand why a "parent" cannot give type of love. With my personality, I would end up giving everything and never feeling truly safe. <BR/><BR/>I am not usually a rosy-colored-glasses sort of person when it comes to matters of the heart, and I know every relationship is different, but everyone deserves uncoditional love from the person with whom they are sharing their life and building their future. And if you take on the role of step-parent, you have the duty to give unconditional to your step children.<BR/><BR/>I hope you know that I am not judging your family at all. I think I went a bit of topic, but that is what stood out to me.Karenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14978375225313974459noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-6075879099978052022008-12-15T09:42:00.000-08:002008-12-15T09:42:00.000-08:00I hope Cam does find a good male role model someda...I hope Cam does find a good male role model someday. It's very important. I grew up with two parents and still needed and found a male role model outside of home.captain corkyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10782650450297504567noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-88676153243291394752008-12-15T09:39:00.000-08:002008-12-15T09:39:00.000-08:00I agree with most of that....Although I guess it w...I agree with most of that....<BR/><BR/>Although I guess it would depend on what the relationship is actually like with the man and woman.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-2183672503463850112008-12-15T08:58:00.000-08:002008-12-15T08:58:00.000-08:00Jay hit on the point of the comment I was about to...Jay hit on the point of the comment I was about to write. Coaches, teachers, ministers (I know you have not really 'selected' a church yet)<BR/>can be role-models...<BR/><BR/>Sad that husband and Cam can not find that common ground - sports would have been an excellent start - if husband had volunteered to be a coach or assistant to one of Cam's teams.<BR/><BR/>I do think no role model is better then a lousy role-model though.Vinny "Bond" Marinihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07033455144526676371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-56366653703753263822008-12-15T08:53:00.000-08:002008-12-15T08:53:00.000-08:00A lot of times kids (especially boys) who are rais...A lot of times kids (especially boys) who are raised by single parents get lucky and find father figures, or "mentors" from coaches, teachers, their pastor and other places. Unfortunately a lot of single moms don't really think about things like this and don't encourage these relationships. <BR/><BR/>I don't agree that having a man in the house just so that there's a male figure in a kid's life is a good thing. We were better off without dad here. Being ignored would be much harder if it happened every single day right in front of us.Jayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17134850383532818765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-46138159027974789842008-12-15T07:07:00.000-08:002008-12-15T07:07:00.000-08:00Obviously you can't force a father figure relation...Obviously you can't force a father figure relationship with husband and Cam but to be honest, biological sons living in the same home as their fathers often end up with the same relationship or worse. You are completely correct that simply having a man in the home doesn't fix anything. If there is a void in Cam's life I trust he has been given enough love from you to find what he needs elsewhere in a safe way. He is a happy, healthy, kid and he is going to be fine.Knighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14108347590219803283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2099017124265155833.post-22587991671761448242008-12-15T06:55:00.000-08:002008-12-15T06:55:00.000-08:00I agree with you...no matter how well intended, I ...I agree with you...no matter how well intended, I don't think a single parent can take the place of two, and my heart goes out to you for the lack of support....and the right man is vital. And as I said in another comment, I have seen the affects of not having a decent male role model...detriment to BOTH boys and girls. We sometimes forget that a girl's identity as a female are greatly influenced by early male involvement. <BR/><BR/>I have also witnessed children who are expendable in the lives of their blood relatives and treated like possessions rather than flesh and blood.......thank God that Cam has a loving parent that adores him and would I am assuming give your very life for. That makes up for a lot.....I wish you the best.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com